kelli-girl

Gram-isms

2012-02-08T16:02:00.000-08:00

I try to not make all my posts about Gram, but this one is solely about him. So many new quirks and funny things going on with him that I just have to share so I don't forgot this fun stage. And it is quite a fun stage! I had heard horror stories about the terrible twos, but thus far 2 years old has been one of Gram's best stages. And I am trying to cherish every moment.

1. I think I have bragged about Gram before, somewhere?, but let me just say for the record again that he is an AMAZING little boy. He is well behaved, obedient, perceptive, attentive and capable. Personally, this stage for me as a stay at home mom is more difficult. I struggle with feeling guilty about whether I am doing enough with him, whether I am intentional enough with our days, if I am being creative enough to stimulate his learning. But I have been reminded these last few weeks that obviously something is going right because he is a good, good kid. And really, that's what I want, a good kid and not, to be honest, a hellun'. Praise God!

2. Gram's first imaginary friend is a monster. Kind of weird, huh? He doesn't have a name, just monster. Monster hides in his cardboard box house sometimes, or jumps in his bed, or lurks in the laundry room. We tell monster to go away sometimes or run and hide from him. Such a fun and silly and quite unexpected imagination. I never know what monster will be doing next. The other night for homegroup Gram wanted to wear his Batman pajamas. We asked him if monster was around and he said, "No, I'm batman!" Apparently, monster knows to stay away when Batman is around. Too cute!

3. While Dustin or I drive, Gram will often yell "2 hands! 2 hands!". Safety first for him, apparently! We haven't been able to figure out where he got this. He has done it with my parents as well and they are just as clueless. However, what I realized today is that I often tell him to use "2 hands" when I want him to be extra careful, such as dumping out the dust pan (yes, that is one of his chores he helps with), or eating a sandwich or burrito that might fall apart, etc. So, did he put those together in his mind? He wants us to be careful driving so is telling us "2 hands"? If so, my mind is blown. That's pretty smart, right?

4. My brother and sister in law got Gram this "Ok to Wake" froggy alarm clock for Christmas. It's awesome and he is loving it. We set it to turn green at 7:15am so he knows it is ok to get out of bed. We often hear him talking well before 7:15am to his animals and such, just waiting for the green froggy to light up. He then comes running out of his room shouting "green froggy, green froggy!" So excited and so fun to experience each morning.

5.Gram has always been a very cautious and capable little boy. This quality influences my parenting quite a bit, I just don't have to worry about him doing certain things because I know he won't. Therefore, he has freedoms that I might not be able to give our next kid, depending on his temperament. However, Gram is just 2 and so it's hard at times to know how much freedom and trust to put in him. A prime example from today: we were having mom's group at Amy Hyatt's house and the kids were playing in Josie and Janie's room. Gram had been in there for a bit so I went to check on him. I found him on the TOP BUNK of the bunk beds, with only a ladder to get him up there. This is how things went down...
Me: Ugh...Gram, watcha doin' up there?
Gram: (smiling hugely!)
Me: Did you climb up there all by yourself?
Gram: Uh huh.
Me: Ok...are you ready to get down?
Gram: Uh huh.
Me: Do you want me to help you down?
Gram: No.
Me: Have you got down all by yourself before?
Gram: Uh huh.
Me: Ok...can Mommy watch you get down all by yourself?
Gram: Uh huh, (big smile)
I proceed to watch him swing his leg over and climb down the ladder.
Me: Well....(stunned and not knowing what to say)..good job bud, I'm proud of you for doing that all by yourself....you need to be very careful getting up and down, ok? Be very careful.
Gram: (smiling) Uh huh.
He probably climbed up and down atleast 50 times throughout the rest of the morning, totally preoccupied with his new accomplishment. I was stunned at his capability. And while I understand the risk, I couldn't bring myself to squelch his obvious control and pride over the situation. I have learned over the last 2 years that Gram just doesn't do things that he doesn't feel capable of doing. He has proven to us time and time again of his control and understanding of situations. It's pretty remarkable and something I did not expect to see in my kid.

Overall, I feel incredibly blessed by Gram and by the stage that he's in as we are embarking on becoming a family of 4. I know his little brother will change family dynamics and I'm trying to think of lots of ways to empower Gram as an older brother. I couldn't have asked for a better time for Gram to become an older brother, I thank God for his timing and for the 2 beautiful gifts He is giving to us.

A bit soul-less and blah

2012-01-20T07:01:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night, Gram is with Meme and Papa and Dustin is at class. The whole night is mine. Knowing myself, I've committed to sitting at a coffee shop for the duration of the evening, keeping myself away from home which tempts me with mind-numbing TV and housework. No, this time is just for me. Wow, it's been so long. It's hard to not include mind-numbing TV and housework in the things that I want to do when I have free time. Honestly, typically, that is what I do. Either veg out or catch up. Sigh.

Right now I'm feeling a bit soul-less. That sounds so awful, I know, but I'm not for sure how else to describe my insides right now. Life is good, but I'm quite blah. Part of this feeling is coming from feeling VERY pregnant right now. Physically, I'm out of breath, I have heartburn no matter what I eat (including cereal, weird!), I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable and my mind refuses to calm down, my husband has been sleeping in a chair for the last 6 weeks and I miss him in bed. Mostly, this soul-less feeling is from not finding the time or desire to focus on myself, even more to focus on God, to spend time with Him, to let him talk to me, to let myself talk to Him. Why do I do this to myself? I know what the problem is and yet I don't make the time to change it. Well, that's what tonight is all about. Changing my soul. Sigh.

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Peter 1:5-8 NIV)

I started a Bible Reading Plan for 2012, today is Jan. 18th and I'm 11 days behind. Ugh. This verse was part of the reading plan and it struck me. It struck me that I feel ineffective and unproductive in my relationship with Jesus, in my relationship with others, in my service to His Kingdom. I hate feeling that way, like I'm wasting my days, like I'm going through the motions for my family but me, personally, is wasting away a bit. I don't want to sound dramatic and as I re-read this, it kind of sounds that way. I'm trying to be honest with myself, I'm trying to take the time to reflect, to understand what's really going on with me. So I can change. So I can stop the cycle, so I can hopefully move away from feeling like this. And this is the first step, sitting here alone in the coffee shop, with no expectations of myself but to write and reflect and move towards Jesus. It feels nice. Deep breath.

I've written out my goals for 2012. 8 goals total, 2 for each of 4 categories: Financial, Personal, Marital, and Parenting. My personal goals are: Write more, spend more quality time with God. They sound pretty simple, but they mean so much to my soul. It's through writing that I do spend quality time with God, so they kind of go hand in hand. Through writing, I find my heart, mind and soul which ultimately leads to God. Simple and specific. Exciting.

I'm looking through my journal, reminding myself of what God has done and is doing in my life. Even though I feel a bit soul-less and blah right now. I know God is working in my life, and this is proof.

Date Unknown: Reflection on Acts 6-8: Because I am a part of God's redemptive community I...

- am learning what it means to truly seek forgiveness and honestly grant it.

- am learning what it means to be transparent with myself and those closest to me and to live an honest life.

- am learning what it means to play my part in loving the community- to do no more and no less than what God calls me to.

- am learning that showing up each Sunday is worth the effort.

- am learning these people that I see week after week are part of my family, I rejoice when they rejoice and mourn when they mourn, and feel the loss when even one leaves.

- am learning that God is powerful enough to redeem even the most seemingly hopeless situations.

- am learning that I need this community as a regular part of my life, they keep me grounded and challenged and loved.

- feel closer to God.

I can say that this past year has been one of the hardest and yet most rewarding years of my life. I anticipate 2012 will be more of the same. Two boys this year! Hard and rewarding, for sure. Dustin leading Evergreen and in school. Hard and rewarding. And...me, what's for me this year. What does 2012 have for Kelli specifically? Not in regards to kids or husband, what can I personally look forward to? What can I pursue? These are the questions I need to answer. Finding these answers will help me not feel as I feel right now a year from now, soul-less, blah and lost.

I am so sorry

2012-01-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

Learning to say you're sorry can be a hard life lesson. Most adults, myself included, have a hard time saying it in some instances. This week Gram took 2 steps forward in understanding sorry, and my heart could just burst.

1 step:

1. While at the community center this week, he pushed a little girl who was going for the same toy that he was going for. After talking to him and asking him to apologize, which he did, we moved on to other toys. Later that night, we were telling Dustin about all the toys he got to play with at the community center and Dustin asked him about pushing down the little girl. We re-explained that we don't push other kids but that Gram did a really good thing by saying he was sorry to the little girl. We moved on and began to play with other toys. A few minutes later, Gram said, "Push the girl....I am so sorry." WHAT?! My heart melted. His little heart was still thinking about what we had just talked about and he said "so sorry", what little kid says that? Such a sweet boy.

2. I took Gram to his last music class this week, only to find out once we arrived that it was cancelled due to the snow. I said to Gram that I was sorry that class was cancelled and we would go play somewhere else instead. In the car Gram said, "Class cancelled....I am so sorry." And he kept repeating it! He was sorry he didn't get to go to his last class, so sweet.

This age is so amazing, he is like a sponge, just soaking in everything we are teaching him. It's humbling to see him listen, think and respond. I wonder if I am doing as well as that as he is.

A time to reflect

2011-12-30T17:01:00.000-08:00

My husband has, once again, prompted me by his reflections to do some reflecting of my own. And so, here is my attempt to recap 2011.

Honestly, I feel like, wow! where do i even begin. this might be the year of the most ups and downs for me.

I'll start with the lows because that's where my mind goes to first (unfortunately!)

1. The death of loved ones, my Grandpa Walt and Uncle Donny. The absolute lowest of lows. Death of loved ones are always heart breaking and they always seem too soon, no matter the circumstances. The two redeeming things in these circumstances are: a. I know they are both with Jesus and that we will get to see them again one day, Praise God! b. Death is always a time of family bonding, it brings the rest of us closer together to reminisce and reflect on the good life and memories we have with those who have left us. Those moments are precious to me.

2. I have learned so much about friendship this year. This will also be placed in the highs section, but I had to place it here as well because I've had to deal with hard friend stuff this year, and it's broken my heart. This is an area of my life that I continue to be humbled, knowing that I have so much to learn as life unfolds about being a good friend, maintaining and developing true friendships in the midst of being a mom, and learning what it means to rely on Jesus as my closest friend in the midst of those times where I feel the emptiness of close friends.

3. Being a stay-at-home mom has had its ups and downs. The low was really at the beginning of the year during a time when Gram couldn't communicate what he knew he wanted and I couldn't figure out what he was wanting. Our days were filled with frustration on both of our parts and it was just hard. He also was still up throughout the night and nursing and after 14 months of that, I was exhausted and almost at my wits ends. Thankfully, that too was a season, and many highs have followed.

Now onto the highs!

1. Being a stay-at-home mom has been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life, maybe even THE most fulfilling experience of my life. There are hard times, and it's not a cake walk on a daily basis, but man, I would not have it any other way. Getting so much time with Gram, experiencing those daily moments of learning and joy and helping him get through his frustration and learn to communicate and work through problems- it's all absolutely amazing. I feel so blessed that God has entrusted him to us, and even more blessed that I get to spend my days with him. It's a financial sacrafice to not have me work full time, but well worth it when compared to sacraficing my time with him. I look forward to getting to share my time with our next little boy and seeing Gram's relationship with his little brother grow on a daily basis. Ahhh, a time in my life that I will never get back, never get to do over again, and I just want to savor these moments.

2. I got to spend A LOT of time with family this year and it was wonderful! I spent 3 weeks in Marshall in Feb., vacationed with my parents to Florida in April, visit from Dustin's mom in May, back again to Marshall in August, my parents here for 3 months this fall/ winter, and another 2 surprise visits from Dustin's mom this Nov/ Dec. Yeah!!! It's hard to live away from family, so I'm thankful for all the visits we get each year. And so, so thankful that my parents enjoy Portland so much that they choose to split their time between here and Illinois. We are so, so blessed by them and it's so fun to see Gram light up when they are around. He loves all of his grandparents and I'm thankful for any amount of time he gets with them. (And I'm thankful for the break it gives me!)

3. My marriage is in a really great place. After having Gram, it took Dustin and I almost a year to get back to a place where we were "us" again. This year has been a time of reconnecting after having our world turned upside down by our sweet little man. I think we'll rebound a bit faster after the next kid, but I expect to have another season of utter exhaustion where there's just not much left for each other for a bit. We don't have a perfect marriage, and I look forward to the years to come when our marriage gets better and better. But I love where we are right now. I love and respect Dustin more today than I did 6 years ago. I feel so supported by him and encouraged by him, knowing that whatever I ask he would grant. He is with me 100% on this adventure and I could not ask for anything more.

4. We have some amazing friends and THE MOST amazing community a girl could ever ask for. The Evergreen Community has shown up in our lives in the most helpful and practical ways. They have and continue to support us and encourage us and believe in us. It's an absolute honor to pastor a church like this one. My heart truly overflows when thinking about them. Through the ups and downs of this past year, we have gained life long friends and we are blessed.

I'll save my goals for 2012 for another blog post, as well as some personal reflection. But for now, that was 2011. A very full year. One of my goals for 2011 was to have a full life and not just a busy life, and I do believe that was accomplished. Life gets crazy and things are busy, but my days were full, and I count that a successful year.

Goodbye Uncle Donny

2011-11-20T20:27:00.000-08:00

It's weird to be writing my second post of the year reflecting on the death of a loved one. My uncle Donny Warner died suddenly on Friday, and quite honestly, I'm hoping this post helps me to process this loss. It's so, so difficult to be away from family during this time. I wish I was there to mourn with them and love them. It's hard to not get to share my hurting heart with theirs. It's hard to not be able to give my Grandma a hug, a hug that says I can't imagine what you are feeling having just lost your second son.

My uncle Donny was one of my favorite relatives. He was one of the most generous servants I have ever known. Ironically, he and his twin brother Danny both died from hearts that just stopped. Two men with hearts bigger and stronger than I have ever seen. Hearts for family and friends that went beyond duty or obligation, hearts that were loyal and kind and hard working. It's just weird how life turns out, and weirder how death happens.

My uncle Donny loved his children and grandchildren more than life itself. I know their hurt is so, so deep right now. And my heart is with them. I know they are feeling lost, as I would had I lost a parent. My prayers are for them to continue one day at a time.

My uncle Donny and aunt Carol Ann visited me in both Florida and Oregon, and I loved their visits. They always cared so much about me and what was going on with my life. I cherish those memories.

My mom has now lost 2 brothers, and life is different now. Life changes when one of us leave it. Our family will never be the same without my uncle Donny. I know this is not what she expected. I know this is not what my aunt Carol Ann expected. My heart is with them...no matter the distance, always with them.

Uncle Donny, I pray you are with Uncle Danny and Grandpa Jack right now. I pray there was a joyous reunion, which I know you have been waiting for for many years. We will be reunited one day... but in the meantime, you are dearly missed.

Sweet dreams

2011-09-08T04:31:00.000-07:00

I'm blogging at 4am, been up since 2am when I was awoke by Gram laughing in his sleep. Quite a contrast from the cries that use to awaken us in the night, a much embraced contrast!

I was sitting on my couch this evening with my feet up and a book in my hand listening to the sweet giggles coming from Gram's room during bedtime routine with dad. I sat there soaking it all in, our living room, the dark night and warm glow of our lights inside, a kitchen cleaned after a good meal, and my two favorite guys giggling in the next room before bed. This is what I have been thinking about in the middle of the night after being awoke by dreaming laughs. I can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of contentment and gratitude, I can't get back to sleep because of it. I am utterly humbled at all God has chosen to give me and at who he has chosen to give me.

It's been about 5 months now that Dustin has been doing the bedtime routine with Gram and putting him to bed. After 18 months of nursing Gram and putting him down, I have gladly given this over to Dustin and Dustin has even more gladly and gaily accepted. Gram's bedtime routine includes reading books with dad right before night-nights. Every night is a little different in that there's no set amount of books that Gram and Dustin read together. Some nights Gram can hardly get through 1 book before he points to the crib and says, "night-nights". Dustin obliges with an "I love you bud, night-nights" and puts him to bed. Other nights Gram seems to delaying the inevitable with more books even though he is so tired. Those nights Dustin says, "just one more book bud and then night-nights." Gram obliges and is carried to his crib with an "I love you bud, night-nights." But some nights are like tonight, when both Gram and Dustin want to sit, cuddling in the rocker, pointing to and talking about each page in each book. There's no hurry, just delight in spending time together. I admit that on the nights when Dustin is at a meeting and I read with Gram, I find myself wanting to hurry through bedtime routine so I can get him down and have some time to myself. But Dustin, he doesn't do that, he savors each moment with Gram. He truly delights in his son.

What is on my mind tonight that I can't seem to shake is how amazing of a dad my husband is. Those of us who knew Dustin before he was dad often thought, "What kind of dad will Dustin be?" Dustin wasn't the kind of guy that flocked to babies or had kids flock to him necessarily. He had only held 1 or 2 babies before Gram came along! I didn't know what kind of dad Dustin would be, but I knew he would be a good dad. I knew he would surprise us. However, I greatly underestimated his skills as a father and have realized over these last months that Dustin is a great dad, a really, really great dad.

I knew that I would be a good mom. I love babies and have looked forward to this time in my life for a very long time. But I learn weekly from my husband what it means to be a godly parent, what it means to guide, correct and love with patience and intention. As I laid in bed tonight I just felt deeply grateful for the man who sleeps next to me night after night. For his for love me and our son (and the one on the way!) that comes from the very depth of who he is.

And so, I have no doubt that Gram was dreaming about his dad tonight. He could have been laughing at Dustin eating his head like a zebra (a notion totally made up by Dustin!), or kissing him in the small of his neck, or chasing him around the house, or pretending to drop the book, all things that Gram loves to do with his dad.

Sweet dreams, my boy, sweet dreams.

Moments

2011-08-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

"The rituals just seemed to stop, like all the other natural endings- such as the last time one of the boys crawled into bed with us, or I carried them on my hip, or saw them naked, even. Such moments evaporate so quietly that you don't realize it's the last time until long afterward."

I'm reading this book called, "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman" by Joan Anderson. She is writing about her experience to not move with her husband when he accepted a new job and to, instead, spend a year in their Cape Cod cottage, basically trying to figure out now that her kids were out of the house and married what she wanted out of life. It's been a good read so far. I empathize with her, knowing that I could very well feel as she feels 20 years from now. I don't want to feel like she does, but I can understand how easily it is for women, in particular, to spend their whole lives managing their households that we forget to be us, to maintain our sense of self and purpose outside of our family.

This passage in particular really hit me because I've been feeling a bit of the same lately. Gram is almost 2 and, wow, how the time has flown. The days, however....they have not flown. And that's why this passage hit me. Because many days I feel like I am just trying to make it through the day with Gram, trying to meet his needs and keep crying/tantrums to a minimum. But I don't want to just make it through the days. Because one day I'll wake up and I won't have those days...the days of nightly baths and feet pajamas, the days of cuddles when he's tired or hurt himself, the days of pure elation when I come home from being gone, the days of "mom, mom, mom" in his sweet voice, the days of him wanting me to be with him all the time, of choosing me above anyone else. Those days won't be here forever. I don't want to push them along. I want to savor them. I want to savor this time with my baby boy.

But I also need to make time for myself, time which does not include watching TV or reading Facebook. I need meaningful time, time to read and write, time to pray and reflect, time to have adult conversations with those I love, time for silence and rest.

So this is where I'm at, trying to find the balance of savoring my time with Gram as well as carving out time for myself. I get the feeling this will be my challenge for the next 20 years, which is ok. I accept this challenge as opposed to the alternative, completely giving into serving my family at the expense of myself and feeling like I lost 20 years of my life. Life is so short, I want those 20 years to be meaningful to myself and to my family. I know it's possible. I know God has equipped me for it. I depend on Him to see me through.

Cutting right to my heart

2011-03-11T08:31:00.000-08:00

As I seek to reconnect with God this Lent season, I am trying to steal away a few moments this morning to do just that. The Scripture I am reading for today is cutting right to my heart.

Isaiah 58: 1-12 (The Message)

^1-3 "Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'

^3-5"Well, here's why:

"The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won't get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, God, would like?

^6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

^9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

Grandpa Walt

2011-02-18T07:27:00.000-08:00

"Many people say, 'Who will show us better times?' Let your face smile on us, Lord. You have given me greater joy that those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe." Psalm 4:6-8

Nine days ago my grandfather passed away. Walter Kell Lashbrook was just shy of 90 years old. We had the funeral last Saturday and buried him on Monday in the Moores Ridge cemetary in French Lick, Indiana where a whole host of Lashbrooks lie. This time has been emotional for so many reasons. Primarily and obviously, it has been hard to know that grandpa is gone. He will be missed by so many. He had been living in a nursing home this past year and he brought so much joy to those around him. All the staff loved him dearly, they loved his smile and his interest in being a part of whatever was going on. He loved to be around people, even when he couldn't see and couldn't hear very well. There were times when you didn't know if he really knew what was going on, when his speech was slurred and difficult for him to get out, and then out of nowhere he'd make a statement as clear and thoughtful as ever. My parents tell a story of a time that they went to visit him and he suddenly exclaimed, "Lisa, you have boots on!" (My mom was wearing boots with a skirt, apparently shocking and funny to my grandpa.) And when my grandmother arrived, he couldn't wait to tell her, "Eldeana, did you see that Lisa has boots on!" Such a silly guy.

I don't know if my age or the fact that I'm a mom now has contributed to this emotional time, but the reality of death has been heavy on my heart - the fleetingness of this life. While 90 years is quite a long time to live, for me, it's not enough. There wasn't enough time with grandpa. I didn't get to hear all I wanted from him. I didn't get to share all I wanted with him. My grandma is having a really hard time, which is understandable. However, her grief is so overwhelming to her that she wants to join my grandpa. They were married 68 years....68!!! That seems SO LONG to be with someone. And yet it wasn't enough, grandma wants more time.

I'm learning so much about my grandpa and love hearing stories about him, even if I've heard them a hundred times before. Grandpa Walt was in World War II and earned a purple heart. His battalion was instrumental in securing the way for General Patton to cross into Germany, the beginning of the end for Hitler. The story goes that he had a friend also named Walter that he served with. Word came back that Walter had died and they thought it was my grandpa. For weeks my grandma thought her husband was dead. I can't imagine the joy she felt when she got word he is alive!! Yet, the heartache she felt for the wife of the other Walter. It has dawned on me that grandpa alone wasn't spared during his years overseas. We were all spared. I would not exist had he been killed. Gram would not exist had he been killed. Little did he know that he, alone, wasn't saved, we were all saved. That's so humbling. To know that 50 years before I was born, God was ensuring my life through the dedication of a soldier.

Honestly, it's also been hard to know that the torch is being past, so to speak, and one day I will have to pass it on as well. My time will come when I will face death. And my hope is that I do it with the strength and peace of my grandpa. Although I know that grandpa's eternal life isn't over, that he is with Jesus, that I will see him again (Praise God!), it's been hard to see past the ugliness of death. The logistics of dying are ugly. I am so thankful to the many people who cared for grandpa to the very end. I'm thankful for all the family that surrounded him on his death bed. I'm thankful that as he took his last breath, the hands of his two sons were on him, loving and releasing him, assuring him that it was ok, that there was nothing to be afraid of, that what awaited him on the other side was better than what he was leaving, that they would be reunited again one day.

And so life is going on without grandpa. My memories of him are sweet, so, so sweet. My brother and I were his only grandkids, and he LOVED us, and showed us every chance he got. He was always up to do whatever we wanted to do. We would play hide-and-seek in his basement when we were younger. He would slip us dollar bills from his money clip without my grandma knowing. He fixed the best scrambled eggs. He loved sweets and never, ever passed up a piece of pie. He loved my grandma and was so proud of his two sons. He loved Jesus and enjoyed serving His church. He was the kindest man I've ever met. No one ever had a bad thing to say about Walt. Quite a legacy.

I love you Grandpa. I take comfort in knowing this isn't really goodbye, more like 'see you later'. I pray that when I join you my legacy is a reflection of yours, my character one you would be proud of.

Friends

2011-01-21T11:22:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about friendships lately, actually for the past year or so. I've been contemplating what it means to be a good friend and what I want out of my friendships. But mostly, I've been considering how to have friendships during this time of my life, and more importantly, how to maintain my friendships for a lifetime. Is that even possible?

Is it possible to have life long friends? I have moved so much in my life. I remember my friends from each new place I have lived, memories of relationships long gone. To think of that happening again in my life, having to move on from my current friendships and start again breaks my heart. I don't want to continue to make new friends for the rest of my life, I want friendships that are for life. Friendships that stand the test of time, that weather the storms together, that celebrate the big and little joys of life together, friends who are known inside and out. I want accountability and honesty, unconditional and tough love. I want friends who are closer than a brother, relationships that enhance even the dreariest of days.

I want friends who are not of the past but of the present and future. Relationships that I know will be an active part of my life twenty years from now. What I am realizing, reluctantly, is that time often doesn't allow for these kinds of relationships. Time, of all things. I can go a month or more without talking to friends who I hold so dear to my heart. Hard days and days will pass without talking to the people I know can lighten my load. Most of us don't have time for a lot of close friends. But we do have time for some. It's those some that I miss.

It's hard to maintain these close friendships when we live in different parts of town (or country!), when we send our kids to different schools, when we attend different churches, when those things that take up time in our lives aren't able to be shared, relationships suffer. Loneliness creeps in and the void appears ever so large, an expanse uncrossable.

Are close friendships seasonal? The kind of friends that share our every day life. Is it inevitable that people drift apart eventually? That once what bonded us so has passed, we've each moved on to something else, bonded with someone else. I guess this post is coming from a place of realizing I have so many amazing friends in my life, friends that I don't get enough time with, friends that I want more of, friendships that Time is thwarting. Damn you Time.

I have never really realized the utter freedom that will be felt when Time is banished. When we have eternity to spend with our loved ones, forever to enjoy the company of the One and ones who we love so dearly. I eagerly anticipate the days that have no end, when time stands still and precious moments are allowed to linger and linger in the company of friends.

Advent

2010-11-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

Whispers of a coming love fill my ears, whispers of a love so true and pure. I anxiously await, I can hardly contain my excitement and fear of the One who will transform my life and change the world. I know not how to speak of the One except with love. I have not seen, I do not know and yet I am filled with love for He who is to come. No more blood offering, for he is the ultimate sacrifice that washes away the sins of the world, that promises to make all things new.

Worth the Wait

2010-11-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

"The Biblical view of things is resurrection- not a future that is just a consolation for the life we never had but a restoration of the life you always wanted. This means that every horrible thing that ever happened will not only be undone and repaired but will in some way make the eventual glory and joy even greater." (Tim Keller, "The Reason for God")

Preparing for the Advent season this year has got me thinking of hope. After all, isn't that what makes the waiting bearable, hope. I can think of no greater hope than the profound truth of the quote above. This realization of the true nature of heaven and earth has rocked my world. This notion of restoration- that God's work from the beginning has been the renewal of this earth, not the ultimate destruction of it in the end- is Hope with a capital H. This truth- that heaven isn't a consolation for the all the terrible things God has "put us through", but rather heaven is God restoring those terrible things, making sense out of it all, giving us in the end what He and I both have always wanted- brings tears to my eyes, a smile to my face, and, quite frankly, a big sigh of relief.

Growing up I was taught the idea that heaven was a consolation to this life. That this evil and ugly world would eventually be destroyed and we would be taken up into the sky where heaven existed amidst the fluffy clouds and bright sun. I'm not for sure why heaven and earth are portrayed that way, maybe this is the idea that makes the most sense to children and is the easiest way of explaining heaven to them. Maybe, but I don't think so. I think this is a very popular idea of heaven and earth, one that many adults (including myself up until a few years ago) still hold today. It's a nice idea, but quite empty in the end. I don't know, I guess it seems wasteful to me. I mean, a whole earth burned up in the end, really? What a waste.

It makes more sense to me, knowing our Creator, that he would want to restore this earth. That heaven would be brought down and would include the resurrected earth. My small mind is still trying to wrap itself around this gigantic truth, but what a thing to ponder, what a truth to wrap around us, what hope to live in every day.

Advent begins tomorrow. The waiting begins. I'm reminded, yet again, how much is worth waiting for.

2010-11-17T08:57:00.000-08:00

"What can I offer the Lord for all He has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of all his people." Psalm 116:12-14

I was commenting to Dustin the other night that I never expected how much self discovery I would experience as an adult, especially in my 30's. This is probably going to sound very prideful (and I think it was/is), but in my 20's I really thought I had it all together. Sure I had my shortcomings, but they were tiny and manageable and didn't tend to affect my relationships all THAT much. I was confident that most decisions I made were the right ones and my actions were always justified in my mind. My intentions were good of course, my heart pure...for the most part.

I don't know what it is that is bringing about this sense of self discovery, self reflection, and self adjustment. But it's blowing my mind a bit and so very humbling. Maybe it's marriage. Dustin and I have been married 5 years now, we have a kid, and well, the honeymoon is over to be quite honest. Warts and bruises have emerged and I am learning how to love and be loved in their midst. We have experienced some valleys and I have come out on the other side changed. Being so close to Dustin for so long has rubbed off, fortunately. His love has caused change in me.

Maybe it's becoming a parent. I want the absolute best for Gram and I know that means I need to model the best for him. Come to find out I don't always choose what's best for me, who would have thought?

Maybe it's my community. In the past four years, I feel like I have seen honesty modeled in a way that I never have before. These people that I worship with week after week are teaching me so much about what it means to be honest with myself, honest with those around me, and honest with God. I have seen really hard stuff be brought to light and handled in a mature, loving and God-honoring way. I have heard sermons preached challenging me to follow Jesus with my whole being and through my entire life. I have loved the unloving and I have been loved when I have been unloving. I have seen God show up time and time again reminding us all that He is present with us, especially in the seemingly dark and lonely times.

Maybe it's me. So much has happened in my life in the past 10 years, I am a different person today than I was 10 years ago. Why does that surprise me? Did I really want to remain the same my whole life? No. Did I really think I didn't have any more growing to do? Of course not. I guess I'm just now discovering the weight and expanse of that growth. I'm realizing how imperfect I am, how much work there is to be done in my heart and mind, and how much I desperately need God's help.

What I do know that has never changed and will never change is that God has been so good to me. He is so gracious with us, isn't He? Praise God! He is so patient and loving and forgiving. He truly is Abba, Father, a lap I can always curl up in, a hand I can always hold (no matter how old I am), eyes that always see me, and an honest smile always looking down on me. Thank you Lord for your honest smile.

Parenting 101

2010-11-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

I want so badly to write something amazing right now. I feel like I rarely get the chance to sit quietly, uninterrupted for any length of time, with just me, my thoughts and my keyboard. So here I am, waiting for my thoughts to pour forth, waiting for all that has been crammed inside to be vomited out. Instead, I’m blank. Well, not completely blank. The magazines across the way keep catching my eye. What do I care about Max’s The Bootcamp Issue, or Lindsay Lohan on the cover of Vanity Fair? And yet my eyes continue to travel and gaze. Bummer…let down…dumb.

I also can’t keep my eyes off of the mother and her son who are having a go at it in the coffee shop. The son is probably 9 years old. I’ve only caught snippets, but what I can gather is he isn’t wanting to do something that he’s committed to doing. And the mom is trying to teach him/ explain to him how lame that is, how disrespectful that is to someone he cares about to bail on them. He’s cried, he’s crawled onto her lap, she’s given him a back rub all in the midst of talking through this lesson. Apparently, she didn’t convince him of his error, he’s sticking to his guns, so she finally played the mom card, and is insisting that he go even though he has a bad attitude about it. Ah, parenting!

Here I thought I was going to spend the afternoon thinking about something NOT related to Gram, but all I can think about is what just played out before me. I’m evaluating how well I think the mom handled the situation (I’ve concluded brilliantly), how I might handle that same situation, the conviction and yet calm in which she was schooling him. How his tears didn’t break her resolve, and yet how her arms were always open for him to crawl up into. Quite a beautiful picture of parenting, actually. They have gone, but I wish I could have let her know that I was impressed, that she is doing a great job, that I wasn’t staring to be rude or make her feel self-conscious, that I’d actually love to talk to her about what it’s been like to raise this boy.

Dustin and I are discovering regularly that we are no longer simply caretakers of Gram, we have officially entered the parenting stage. Tantrums, though fairly mild, have begun, the word “No” is used pretty frequently, and we find ourselves clapping for the simplest of achievements (“Where’s doggie Gram?”). I love that Gram is a mama’s boy and I pray that continues throughout his life, even when Dad is so much cooler and more fun to be with. I pray for wisdom and discernment for those moments of tough love. I’m excited to celebrate all of Gram’s accomplishments, no matter how small.

In all honesty, parenting scares and excites me. I’m nervous for the hard lessons that we will have to let Gram experience and yet excited to get to pass on whatever wisdom we have been taught. I’m excited to see his sweet personality continue to develop, for him to learn respect and courage and loyalty. I’m excited to tell him about Jesus, for him to pray for those he loves, for him to discover his own tender heart.

I guess right now I’m not really in the mood to reflect on the past or process anything. Rather, I’m anticipating the future, I’m pondering the present, and I’m loving the opportunity to sit in this coffee shop alone and cherish these things in my heart.

Your love reaches me

2010-11-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

As I think about these words I see myself so small, looking up to you, my eyes transfixed on you. You kneel down to me, you dust me off and make me clean. Your heart with all compassion and love reaches to me without an action, without words, I feel you. I watch for you and see you and feel you. Your love reaches me from so high to way down; you stoop to be near me. My eyes light up and there is night all around but my Lord has come.

No distance too far for love

2010-10-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children."

My parents, who have been in Portland for 2 months, left for home yesterday. They are back in Illinois reconnecting with the other grandkids and sorting through lots and lots of mail. I miss them already. We all miss them. Gram was extra sensitive and a bit fussy yesterday. He wanted to be held a lot and wanted us by him while he played. I interpret that as missing Meme and Papa. He doesn't understand quite yet what the goings and comings of people mean. But he knows Meme and Papa. And he LOVES them.

It was so fun over the last 2 months to see Gram's relationship with my parents grow and evolve. At first, when they would arrive at the house he would continue to play or would crawl over to me, still unsure of what was going on. By the end of their trip, the minute they walked in the door he was crawling over to them, lifting up his little arms wanting to be held. He was not only reaching out to be held by Meme, but also Papa! One of the sweetest things I've ever seen was my son wanting to cuddle up with my dad...priceless.

And what an amazing feeling to see my parents absolutely delight in my child. There really is nothing like seeing someone love and delight in and cherish your little one. It warms my heart, it fills my soul, it reminds me that no matter what happens in life, I know Gram will be taken care of - all of his needs will be met, he will be provided for and he will be loved, that's all a girl could ask for.

Someone said to me upon seeing Gram and I for the first time in months that she could tell from his countenance that he was content and felt safe and was at peace. Yes!!! I can attribute some of that to having grandparents that love him. Being able to interact with older people who he can trust, people that he doesn't get to see on a regular basis, is so formative for my son. He is learning that out of sight isn't out of mind or out of love. That just because someone leaves doesn't mean they won't come back. That there really is no distance that's too far for love. Such a great lesson at such a young age.

We miss you Meme and Papa!!

Happy Birthday Gram!

2010-10-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I met my son for the first time. (Wow, beginning this blog post is bringing tears to my eyes!) I will forever remember that moment (thankfully Dustin captured it in the picture above which helps the ole' memory). I am still in awe of the fact that he grew inside of me, that the little person in my arms above was living in my belly, that I "knew" him before we had officially met, that he knew me literally from the inside out.

It is an amazing experience to carry a child, to give birth, and to begin to fall in love with this little being who has altered your life forever. People talk about how much a child changes your life, how everything you know is different after you hold that tiny bundle of joy. What I didn't expect was how much I would be different. I am not and can no longer be the old Kelli. It's impossible, because I now have this incredible new relationship in my life, a person that consumes so much of me. I can't be self focused like I use to be, I am a new me. I feel like a year ago today, 3 new people were born, Dustin, Gram and myself were all born new that day. And every day since then we have been learning who we are in relation to each other. It has been the best experience of my entire life.

I looked at Gram this morning as he was playing with birthday balloons and got a bit choked up. He is just so much more than I ever dreamed. He is more wonderful, more quirky, more funny, more sweet, more cute, more smart than I had imagined. I love every day with him. Not every day is fun and easy, but every day is good. So, so good. I cannot thank God enough for not only giving me this little man, but allowing me the opportunity and desire to stay at home with him. To have so much time with him, I just love it.

And everyone was right, the time goes by so quickly. I don't think I've learned as much or grown as much in such a short amount of time before. Some of things I have learned this past year are:

1. Time really does fly by, whether you're having fun at the moment or not.
2. To enjoy those precious moments with Gram, whether at 3am or 3pm, because they don't last long.
3. Apparently, I don't need 8 hours of sleep a night! For a whole year!!
4. Gram's laugh brightens even the darkest moods.
5. Dustin is the fantastic father I knew he would be.
6. I need God's help every day to be the fantastic mom I want to be.
7. Girlfriends are like morning coffee, you gotta have them regularly.
8. My body will never be what it use to be.
9. I understand my parents so much more now that I am a mom. I want to love my children like they have loved theirs.
10. A healthy marriage is hard work, especially after having a kid, but worth the effort and the most important aspect of a healthy family.

Gram, you have changed our lives forever. We gladly accept that change for you my sweet boy. Thank you for being patient with us as we learn how to love you and care for you. You are a gift from God, entrusted to us, a responsibility we do not take lightly. We are here for you always and will always, always delight in you. Happy birthday baby, i love you.

That they truly know me

2010-10-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things." Jer. 9:24

My heart's true desire is wrapped up in this verse...to truly know and understand my Lord. To not care about boasting in anything else, but Him alone.

The unfortunate thing is I spend my days focused on boasting about other things. The way I prioritize my time would seem to reflect that I care more about boasting about being a good mom, a good wife, a hard worker, an intelligent person, a multi-tasker, a housekeeper, a wise financial person, a cook, a crafter, a friend, a blogger. All of these things so easily crowd out my heart for the Lord, or so it seems. All of these things are good things, but without God as the center they inevitably end in disappoinment, a weary body at the end of the day, wondering if it's worth it, pride in my busy days, a look-at-me attitude.

I have said before that I don't want a busy life, but a full life. I think that's the difference in where we boast. Boasting in ourselves leads to busy lives, full of stuff that make us feel important. Boasting in the Lord leads to a full life, days centered around knowing the Lord in whatever that day may hold.

Lord help me to truly know you today, to understand who you are and who I am in you.

The Wisdom of Stability

2010-09-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

"Life with the God we know in Jesus Christ is lived in community with other people." Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove Dustin and I are starting a home group and will be reading the book, "The Wisdom of Stability" by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. I just finished the book yesterday and am so excited to talk through this book with others in our community. It is full of age old wisdom that seems completely new and fresh to me and is based on the idea that "stability's wisdom insists that spiritual growth depends on human beings rooting ourselves in a place on earth with other creatures." A somewhat novel thought to a girl who has moved 10 times in her life and has lived in 6 different states. I joke that I've never had to "deep clean" a place I've lived because I always move first! (Buying a house is definitely a new experience!)

Dustin and I have been in Portland for 4 years now. We LOVE Portland and know this is where God brought us. But when you follow God you never know how long He's going to keep you there. In the back of my mind, I've wondered where His next adventure might take us. Dustin and I have wondered if we see ourselves in Portland forever, if we see Gram graduating from high school here and attending a local university. For a girl on the move, it's weird to think about planting roots long term, sticking with the day in and day out of life in one place with one group of people. At the same time, the idea of raising my kids with the same community, of being there for the ups and downs of life with the same community, of loving each other through our less than ideal moments fills my heart. Especially so because I love my community.

I always assumed the grandest"spiritual" call would be to go, to go on the mission field in some other country. And for some it is. But for me, I'm beginning to think the grandest for me might be to stay, to stay to love and be loved, to forgive and be forgiven, to fight and work for what is right, and to wear my knees out in prayer for what is wrong right here, right where I am.

"Learn to love the people around you, see them with the eyes of God, and accept them as God does." Sr. Aquinata Bockmann

I could live his life

2010-09-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

"He died so that I could live a victorious life, so that I could become like him and no longer be held captive to my own nature and desires but could instead break out of those for my deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help. He died so that I could live his life." Matt Mikalatos "Imaginary Jesus"

Growing up is hard. Being an adult is hard. I assumed that when I became an adult I would stop messing up, that I would never have that feeling in the pit of my stomach for hurting someone else or disappointing them. I hate that feeling. It physically makes me shake and gives me the chills every time. I'm very good at excusing away my actions, actually at having a good, well reasoned explanation for my choices. I use them to convince myself that I'm justified with each choice and have no regrets. I'm beginning to see it for what it is though...pride. I'm prideful. I like to think it's very confident, but it's pride. Regardless of how confident and secure I am in myself as a child of God and His love for me, it's no excuse for being prideful or selfish.

The quote above has me thinking that maybe I've been going about things all wrong. I've been trying to be the best Kelli that I can be rather than being Jesus. And that has changed my heart in many ways. I feel like being the best Kelli has led to pride, but being Jesus is leading to humility. I should have known that would make a big difference in my life, obviously the best Kelli is no where near Jesus. Allowing Jesus to shine his light into my dark corners and being truly honest with myself in a very real way is new for me. I thought I had allowed Jesus in there all along, but I'm realizing my attempts at honesty in the past were somewhat stale and fake. It's with that lens that I am reevaluating me, my life, relationships, etc. It's been humbling and difficult and yet I know as I process through that I will feel more free in the end.

It's exciting to begin to undercover those "deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help." Thank you Jesus for the gift of your life, for the opportunity to live as you, to renew myself in you each day.

Ride the wings of the morning

2010-09-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

"...I can never get away from your presence!..If I ride the wings of the morning,..even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." Psalm 139

Wow, sitting down to blog, what a treat! Life has been unusually crazy lately with Gram teething. I don't know who writes the books that say babies should only experience about a week of intense teething pain. Yeah right! We are going on 2 months! But, alas, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Praise God!! Gram has been going down much easier the last day and he even slept a 5 hour stretch last night (as opposed to up every 1 1/2 hours for the last 5 nights, ugh!). Woohoo!! Ironically, when he woke up at 4 am after the 5 hour stretch, he didn't go back to bed. That sounds about right.

So when I read this Psalm as I sat down to write, I was encouraged by the words of David. God's presence is always with me, no matter the time of day, if I've showered or not, if I have the energy of mom-of-the-year or are just barely keeping my eyes open to make sure Gram isn't harming himself - God is here with me.

I like the phrase, "If I ride the wings of the morning". Ha! What a positive way to say if I'm up at the butt crack of dawn (where did that phrase come from anyway?) I rode those wings this morning! And, thankfully, God was there with me to guide and support me, to give me the energy I needed to love Gram with his 4 am burst of energy. I think every morning for the last 10 months I been on those wings, barely holding on for sure. I wouldn't say I've been riding them, maybe a handful of times I took the reigns, but mostly I feel like I've been riding cause I have to, because I love Gram and that's what it takes. Gram wants to ride the wings of the morning again and again and so I go along, to guide and support him just as God is guiding and supporting me.

I feel like since having a kid I have a new understanding of God and his love for me. I have a new understanding of free will and grace, forgiveness and discipline, answered prayer and his silent voice. I have a new understanding of myself as a child of God, what I put him through with my rebellious whims, his hand helping to guide my curiosity and learning, the joy he must feel just being a part of my life, warts and all. Whatever I feel towards Gram, I imagine God feeling that way towards me times 100, and my heart bursts. Nothing particularly amazing is happening in me spiritually, just peace and thankfulness for God's unconditional love which is new every morning.

Maybe I do feel liking going for a ride.

5 years!

2010-08-14T06:12:00.000-07:00

Dustin and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary last week. It was a great day! Dustin asked what I wanted to do special for our anniversary and I said, "Go see a movie!!" Funny how what use to be such a simple activity is now a treat. Thanks to friends we got to see a movie and have dinner together, just like the old times. =)

The old times...it seems like so long ago that it was just Dustin and I. Every day was about just us. We had a lot of good quality time together, time to make each laugh, time for lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles, time to talk about anything and nothing, time to love and feel loved. We came so easy for each other I think. Our personalities are so much alike that, honestly, marriage hasn't been as difficult as I know it is for some couples. We mesh really well together and so, without a ton of effort, we happened well.

We have realized, though, that more effort is needed for our marriage now that little Gram has entered our lives. It takes more effort to be us when there's the sweetest, cutest little person around all the time, taking our attention and affection, which we gladly give! It's hard to not have as many moments together, moments for just us, moments to focus solely on the other, to give our attention and affection completely. It's hard. It takes so much intentionality, it doesn't come as easy any more.

What I've also realized anew is that there's nothing greater worth fighting for. Nothing that I want to work harder for. I love my husband. This past year I have loved him in a new way, as a father. I love seeing him with Gram, making Gram laugh hysterically, cuddled up with Gram on the couch napping, feeding Gram at the dinner table, and especially changing Gram's stinky diapers! Do men know how sexy it is to be a father?

But I don't want to forget why I feel in love with Dustin or how I have loved him more and more each year we've been married. I love Dustin because he makes me laugh like no one else in the whole world, he knows how to lift my spirits in the hard times and to make life light again. I love Dustin because he loves Jesus and he has given his whole life to following Him and helping others to do the same. I love Dustin because he loves to learn and is constantly challenging me to grow. I love Dustin because he loves my quirks, I think he thinks I'm the funniest person in the whole world and I love that! I love Dustin because he has such a sensitive and truthful heart. I love Dustin because he is hard working and a man of integrity. I love Dustin because he would do anything for our family, for me. I trust him more than I have trusted any one. He has never given me one reason to not trust him or to doubt his love for me. He is one of the most steadfast people I know and I admire him more and more each year.

This year, like the last 4, I feel priveledged to be Dustin's wife. I don't know how God orchestrated Dustin falling in love with me, but I am and will be forever grateful. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to share life with. In the midst of a group of people, he continues to be the person I want to be hanging around with, the man I want coming home with me at night, the one person I would choose to be stranded on an island with. You're it Dustin!

I love you....forever.

Happy Anniversary.

Sleepless nights..moments I cherish

2010-07-26T21:19:00.001-07:00

Anyone who's been keeping up with me lately knows that I have been consumed the last 9 months with Gram's non-existant sleeping patterns. I have gone back and forth about how to train him to sleep through the night, or the very least not want to eat throughout the night. I have read article after article and talked to countless moms about this issue. In my more sleep deprived moments, I have been convinced that I shouldn't let one more night pass with feeding him every few hours. In my rested moments, I can't imagine not giving him whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I had a bit of a revelation this past weekend. While it's hard night after night to wake up every 3 hours, I realized that Gram is already 9 months old! And I won't have these moments forever. These 9 months have flew by and in another 9 months Gram won't be nursing anymore and will probably be more into Dad instead of me. So I want to enjoy these 3 am feedings, those quiet, intimate moments that I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.

This mom thing has been so much more amazing than I ever dreamed of. I don't want to forget that throughout my days and nights. I want Gram to know that I love being with him any time of the day or night. So, I'm choosing to not worry/ freak out about his night wakings. I continue to pray for patience and strength and rest to care for him in my sleep deprived moments. And although I tend to feel a bit guilty about taking naps during the day, maybe they should be a regular part of my weeks during this season of life. I do love naps!

As I write this I am feeling very tired, physically drained from lack of sleep, but so energized by this little man growling next to me. And so I say....Grrrrrr!!!!

Break through Lord

2010-07-21T08:12:00.000-07:00

"Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace." Luke 1:78-79

I have been feeling lately a bit...out of whack- definitely not at peace. Gram isn't sleeping well so I've been tired. I haven't made sitting down and writing or reflecting a priority. I've wanted to start eating better and exercising most days that hasn't happened. The weather here has been so dreary in the mornings, not at all like summer. But mainly, I haven't taken the time to connect with Jesus. And I'm feeling it, feeling disheveled and all around blah. I hate feeling like that. And I hate when I miss Jesus because there's no reason for it.

I have a picture in my mind of who I want to be and what I want my days to look like, but I'm not doing all I can to get there. That bums me out. And I'm feeling super negative. I want this blog post to be hopeful but so far it feels depressing. Ugh.

So I just keep reading this verse over and over again, comforted by the picture of the morning light breaking upon me. I need that right now. I need the morning light of God's love and hope to break through my dreary, overcast mood and show me peace. I need the light of God to expose those dark places within me. I need to feel the warmth of that light penetrate the cold in my heart and mind. I'm thankful God is willing to break through.

Break through Lord,
Shower me with your mercy,
Light up my life and
Bring your peace.

Left alone

2010-07-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak." Gen. 32:24

Dustin spoke about the story of Jacob wrestling with God yesterday. He talked about Jacob looking for blessing in many different places like from his father and his wife Rachel, yet never finding the acceptance and confidence he was looking for. He talked about how Jacob, on his way to ask forgiveness from his brother Esau, sent everyone ahead and remained alone, probably to reflect on the mistakes he had made in the past, probably preparing to be killed by his brother, maybe even hoping for one last chance to talk to God....

He was left alone and he wrestled. This blog has been my small attempt to be left alone and wrestle. I can so easily move through my days on auto pilot, going through the routine of dishes and laundry and hanging out with great people and playing with Gram and fixing dinner and laughing with Dustin - all good things...GREAT things in fact. But they are easy to do day after day without ever reflecting on their significance or God's role in them. It's easy for me to stay in this sort of shallow place, the land where everything is fine and good, no ups or downs, just a flat open road for my auto pilot.

This is especially easy to do when life is busy. And why is life so busy? (Blog post for another day!) So this was a good reminder for me to blog, to be left alone and reflect, to wrestle with God, to truly look at myself, to look at what God is doing in and around me, to notice and think and feel. Who knew that could be so hard?

So thinking about Jacob's story, I'm pondering where I look for my acceptance, whose blessing I am trying so desperately to obtain, and why being left alone with God often comes in last place. I hope to have more thoughts to share on this later. But for now, I ponder. I invite you to do the same.

Living with Jesus

2010-06-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus."
Romans 6:6-11

As Christ followers, I think we underestimate the power of Jesus in our lives. I know I do. We overlook who He is and the what He has already done in our lives. We lose hope, not convinced that He can do again and again what He has already done before. Whether perpetual or new, our sin often defines us...at least in our minds. We think, subconsciously perhaps, that we will always be our sin. Saying to ourselves something like,

I'm the gossip.
I'm the hater.
I'm the annoying girl.
I'm the dead beat guy.
I'm the alcoholic.
I'm the manipulator.
I'm the adulterer.

But it's lies. Complete un-truth. The Truth is Jesus has changed all of that. Our relationship with Him has power, amazing and unending power, if we allow it to work in our lives - if we continue day after day to allow him into our hearts, to burn away the sin with his pure love and hope and forgiveness.

I have to be reminded again and again that I am dead to the power of sin and alive in Christ. I am alive because Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me. The real truth is

Jesus loves the gossip.
Jesus loves the hater.
Jesus loves the annoying girl.
Jesus loves the dead beat guy.
Jesus loves the alcoholic.
Jesus loves the manipulator.
Jesus loves the adulterer.

Jesus loves us as we are and showers us with himself so that we don't want any more to stay that way. So that we see a new way to live, a new tomorrow, hope for a life with less and less sin and more and more Jesus.

Sometimes I think I don't realize what "living with Jesus" really means. Let's say you're an orphan, living in a land where no one will take you in. You wonder the dirty streets scraping for food, trying to find a warm place to sleep at night, not really trusting anyone because you've been taken advantage of too many times, and bored most of the time. And then one day you meet Jesus. Jesus welcomes you into his home. He provides you with shelter, food, and most importantly love. He calls you his child and you become part of his family. Not only do you now have a secure life, you have purpose. This family you've been adopted into is in the street cleaning business. You know first hand how dirty the streets can be and you always thought "If I could just make the streets a little bit cleaner, orphans like me would have a better place to survive." So here you are, cleaning up the streets, coming home to a loving family with your belly full. How different is your life!? How much better has your Father made it? So much! There are moments, however, when you're tempted to think, "I'm just a dirty orphan." How wrong would you be? In the midst of your warm home, full belly, and loving arms of family, you couldn't be more wrong!

And that's what we do, we forget where we're living. We forget what we have been redeemed from and will be redeemed from tomorrow and the next and the next. Jesus isn't going to send us back out onto the streets. We could choose to go back, but that's our choice not his. We can choose to leave the loving family and go back to the dirty streets. And we do, don't we? Sometimes it's hard to fully believe that Jesus is for real, that He really does want us, baggage and all. But He does. He does!!

I'm remembering today what Jesus has done in my life. I'm thanking him for the sin he has redeemed me from, for the love he gives me every day and for the hope he provides for tomorrow.

Remember with me.

The bride of Christ and her weekly sermons

2010-06-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

"'Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.'" John 6:68

I have been feeling lately an overwhelming thankfulness and need for Sunday morning sermons. I have had weekly sermons in my life for...my whole life! They have been a regular part of my years, year after year after year. You might think at some point I would get tired of them. There have been moments, I won't lie, but overall, I have been reminded regularly of the power of these times - times to sit and let God speak to me.

The church, in all its flaws and strengths, is after all God's plan. I realize how we Americans hold church isn't THE way for everyone, but I have come to love and depend on it. There's something so powerful about gathering together with other people to hear from and worship the Creator. There's power in being in a room filled with people who are trying to figure things out just like I am. People who struggle and hurt, people who rejoice and love, people who have been made in the image of God and who seek to be the image of Christ. There's power in our humanity coming to our Creator, bringing all of that- all of who we are, both the good and bad, the questions and doubts and worry, the joy and gratitude and devotion- to the God who made heaven and earth and yet who chose and chooses all of our days to come near to us, to meet us where we're at in life, to listen and love.

We have been hearing from the book of Proverbs the last few Sundays and this past Sunday Chris preached about conflict. It was just what I needed to hear. I have felt that I need to be more honest in my life lately, which inevitably will lead to some kind of conflict. I appreciated hearing what God's word had to say about it. After all, I can either handle conflict in a healthy and biblical way, or I can handle it like..well..me and destroy relationships and mess things up. Without God's word preached into my life, that's what happens...I happen! =) Even if I have a really great idea, it's not better than God's idea. I need his wisdom and guidance to form my thoughts because left to myself my thoughts aren't good. They are selfish and destructive and just plain stupid. But hearing from God on a regular basis combats all that. Christ's teachings teach me a better way, not just for my sake but for the sake of my husband and child, my friends and family, my co-workers and even perfect strangers. All are affected by the way I choose to live my life, that's no small matter and one that I don't take lightly. One that I want to set aside time to focus on regularly, at the bare minimum one day a week for a few hours.

I have been thinking lately what my life would look like without our weekly church gatherings. What would it be like to have Sunday morning to do whatever with? It would probably be just like another Saturday (which isn't necessarily a bad thing!) But Saturdays in my life have been known to be about me (which also isn't necessarily a bad thing) It's a time to relax and do nothing if that's what I want. Maybe go hiking or do yard work or hang with friends. Or just watch TV all day (pre-kid that is!) All good things. Saturdays usually aren't a time of reflection, they aren't a time for me to listen and learn and be challenged and give thanks. Saturdays are too lazy for that. I need Sundays. I need intentional time that, regardless of how I'm feeling that day or what kind of craziness Gram is being, I need that regular time to come and sit at the feet of Jesus. I need that time of taking a break from all the good things God has given me and focus on Him who is Good.

It's not easy though, especially with a kid. Wow, so hard to concentrate on Sunday mornings. But I'm learning, I'm learning how to glean as much as I can from what's being said. I'm learning that even if I hear 5 minutes of the sermon in between feeding, changing, and keeping Gram quiet, I've heard something and can reflect on that.

I don't say this because I'm the wife of a pastor. My being married to a pastor is one of God's little jokes. I had prayed specifically in college to NOT marry a pastor. Look who has a sense of humor! But God knew my heart better than I did. He knew that deep down I loved His church. He knew I need her in my life so much. Sometimes I wonder if those who are called to ministry are called because they need His church more than anyone! They aren't the most well but the most sick! =) (I'm sure ministers will love to hear that!)

Just like Peter replied when Jesus asked if he was going to leave, where would I go Lord? Where would I go on Sunday mornings that's more beneficial to me than church? Who would I go to for purpose and hope in life if not the Creator? How else would I spend my time if not striving every day to live like the Savior of the world? Nothing else compares. No one else comes even close. Sunday mornings is where it's at.

Who will show us better times?

2010-05-19T09:44:00.000-07:00

"One of the great temptations of the spiritual life is to believe that if I were in another season of life, I could be more spiritual. The truth is that spiritual transformation takes place as we embrace the challenges and opportunities associated with each season of our life." Ruth Haley Barton in "Sacred Rhythms" I have found myself thinking this very thing pretty much every year since graduating from christian college. First it was grad school that kept me too busy, then marriage didn't allow for quiet time, and now with a kid..well..forget about it. A newborn is the ultimate excuse to neglect self reflection all the while crying out to God DAILY for help with seemingly mundane tasks like sleeping, eating, and crying. Why is that I assume if I don't have "quiet time" then I'm not spending time with God? Yet I'm asking him multiple times a day for help, or praising Him for little things in my life, like the precious little fingers that are wrapped around mine.

Being a mom has helped me to redefine my own spirituality and time with God. I have realized that, yes, I still need "quiet time" in a sense, time to sit with just God, time to reflect, time to pray for others, time that allows me to be me, warts and all. But mostly, I've learned that God wants more than just that time. He wants all my time. He wants to be with me while I do dishes and nurse Gram and weed the garden. That has been the most freeing realization. I've known this, but actually putting it into practice has been...like home. It's like having your best friend with you all the time (which is so fun!). It's like having Gandolph (times a billion!) always around guiding and protecting.

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make everything easy. It doesn't make soothing a crying baby easy. I still struggle with feeling like "Mom Jeans: No longer a woman - a mom!" (SNL). God by my side doesn't take away... life. But He makes it so, so full. He makes it character building (instead of character demolishing). Most times, in the midst of dirty diapers and a dirty house, He makes it feel like the greatest place on earth. Like spending my days in my humble abode is better than any mansion or tropical paradise or mountain top that exists. (Of course I wouldn't mind visiting those at some point! Every girl needs a vacation!) Praise God!

"Many people say, 'Who will show us better times?' Let your face smile on us, Lord. You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you along, O Lord, will keep me safe." Psalm 4:6-8

Stinky diapers and a joyful heart

2010-05-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 5:1-2
"Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God."

We read this Scripture last night at home group. I don't remember ever reading it before. But it was a great reminder of how I want to live my life. What I want my days to reflect. Dustin said something last night in the prayer - something to the affect of at the end of this year may our character reflect more of Christ than it does right now. Coupled with this Scripture, I was left wondering, is my character more in line with Christ right now than it was a year ago or 5 years ago? Have I seen growth in myself? I should probably ask my husband as he sees me most clearly day in and day out. I know there are things that I want to change about myself, but have I changed them? I know the person I want to be, but am I her?

I guess this was a good reminder for me that although my days are made up of little things, they all lead to something bigger...who I am. Regardless of how I feel about said little things during the day, what I do with them matters and really is the foundation of my character.

In "The Practice of the Presence of God" the Abbot of Beaumont says of Brother Lawrence
"That the most excellent method he had found of going to God was that of doing our common business without any view of pleasing men, and (as far as we are capable) purely for the love of God."
and
"That our sanctification did not depend upon changing our works, but in doing that for God's sake, which we commonly do for our own."

I love that God cares about the little things in my life. I have hope in life at all because He is present with me in those little things and in the big. He is with me at 3 am when Gram is crying and He is with me at 3 pm when I am knee deep in dishes and laundry and dust bunnies. He is with me as I am a mom to Gram, a wife to Dustin, a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. He is with me and He is calling me to love in all of those things. To love...seems easy. But He is with me when it's hard and confusing and I'm not for sure how to do it enough or well.

He is with me and He is enough. When I don't have the strength or energy or motivation to do anything for myself or for others, I can do it for Him. I should do it for Him. Out of gratitude for all that Christ has done for me, the least that I can do is change stinky diapers with a joyful heart.

Tired

2010-05-12T09:16:00.001-07:00

I've been tired lately, very, very tired. Gram is 6 months old and still waking often in the night. Dustin and I are realizing that now is the time to "lay down the law", so to speak, and teach him to go back to sleep on his own. So I know the nights ahead will be long and hard and more tiresome. However, the light at the end of the tunnel has never seemed brighter or sweeter...the thought of sleeping 8 hours a night regularly brings tears to my eyes! It's time. It's time for Gram to wean off of night feedings, it's time for me to sleep again, it's time. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Please pray for us. Pray for Gram. He's...what you would call...a strong willed one. He wants what he wants. I'm seeing a bit of a change in him though, a maturity of sorts, so I think he's ready for this as well. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated! =)

I'm a stay at home mom, which means I don't have to dedicate 8 or more hours a day away from my home and family to another job. So why do I feel like I can't fit everything in? I feel like some days are filled the way I want them to be and others aren't. I still feel at the end of the week that I could have done more things, spent time with more people, blogged more, reflected more, read more, cleaned more, exercised more, cooked more, prayed more, loved more. What I have never felt, though, is that I wish I had spent more time with Gram. He is my priority every day and I feel like I have such great quality time with him. That must mean I'm doing something right...right?

Last night I went to bed at 7:15pm and got up today at 7:30am. Much needed hours of rest (minus the 4 times I was up with Gram in the night). I want to make exercise a regular part of my days, but it's hard, it's hard when I feel so unrested to feel like I have the energy for it. I know exercising would give me more energy, but often times after I take a walk I'm super exhausted later in the day, just waiting for Gram to go down for a nap so I can lay down as well. I look forward to the next phase, the phase where I am getting rest at night so I can spend my days with energy.

I feel like this post is a downer. I'm not feeling down, just tired. The good news is Gram second tooth has broke through, yeah!! So the nights are sure to get better after the last week of pure craziness. Teething? What a pain in the arse!

Randomness..concluded.

Speaking the Truth

2010-04-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

Psalm 15

¹ LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

² He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart....

He who does these things
will never be shaken.

My resolution for this year is to be more honest. Typically, I'm a sugar-coater. It's hard for me to be completely honest with people sometimes for fear of offending them or hurting their feelings. So, I often sugarcoat my feelings or brush something aside as if it's not that big of a deal, when in fact I think it's a big deal or atleast a deal. This is hard for me because I'm a people pleaser, I want everyone to like me and to think I'm nice and kind and encouraging. And I still want that to be the case, but more than that I want to be someone who speaks the truth. I know people who are so good at speaking the truth into someone's life even when it's hard. I admire their tact and honesty and commitment to love people enough to say things others might not want to hear but need to hear. I want to be like them.

Speaking the truth isn't just about being more honest with others, the heart of it is that I need to be more honest with myself. I need to acknowledge when I've been hurt or when I've hurt someone else more often. I need to be willing to hear truth in my own life as well, which is hard.

One reason I feel the need to make this change right now is because I want to be able to be honest with Gram. I want him to grow up in a home where he can be honest with me and Dustin about how he's feeling and we can be honest with him. I want to be a family of open communicators. I feel like I need to learn that skill before I can teach him.

I guess this post is inviting you to be honest with me and be ready for me to be honest with you!

Random

2010-04-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been so long. I'm realizing when I have guests blogging probably isn't going to happen. Finding time and interest to be on the computer is slim to none.

My mom and grandma have been visiting from Illinois. They leave tomorrow which is sad because I like to hang with my family, but it's always kind of nice to get back to a regular routine. We visited Multnomah Falls today. This is a pic of me and grandma and Gram. Gram was all tucked in his seat, so cute.

I love driving out to the gorge, it's just so beautiful. I'm excited to take Gram hiking this summer, to strap him on and show him all the beautiful waterfalls and trees and blue skies. I hope he loves to hike like we do. After a year of not doing much physically, I hope we still love to hike!

31

2010-04-15T20:50:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday was my birthday, 31! Last year I was pregnant with Gram when I turned 30. It was such a momentous birthday, turning 30 plus being pregnant with my first child. This year was MUCH less momentous and yet completely rewarding, mainly cause I got to hang with my little guy and awesome husband. I definitely know that birthdays will never be the same now that I'm a mom. My day was filled with fun stuff, but not completely relaxing stuff (I REALLY needed a nap today!). Thanks to Facebook, I got tons of birthday wishes, so sweet. My husband made me a delicious meal, yum-o! All in all, good day.

My birthday as a mom also makes me feel a bit older. I've never really felt "older" on my birthdays, but this year I do a little bit and I think it's because I'm a mom. Now that I have a child of my own, I'm in another category of peoplehood...the parent category. That means as the years pass I get less cooler, I start saying cheesy things, and I start acting like my mom, who is a GRANDMA....so weird!!! I'm ok with the changes, it's a part of life, and the change has come because of Gram, the best reason to change.

So, here's to 31! Goals for this year:
1. To be the best mom I can be.
2. To love my husband faithfully.
3. To open my heart and mind to God's leading more consistently.
4. To stay in touch with family and friends more
5. To find joy in the small things.

Irresistible Revolution

2010-04-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

So, I've started reading the book "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and it's good, really, really good. Shane has been living in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Philly for the last few years in an intentional community house that seeks to share the love of Jesus with their neighbors, both those with and without homes. Books like this are always inspiring. They remind me to look outside of myself and love Jesus and others more. Reading this book is extremely timely. My heart has been moving in this direction - towards finding some way to love the unloved. I feel so blessed right now, I feel thankful to be a stay at home mom, to have an amazing little baby and husband, to have a wonderful church community that supports and challenges me. I honestly feel like I have it all. Praise God!

I guess I'm feeling like I have something to offer though and something to sacrifice. I don't want these years to go by and solely focus on my family, although I have every right to do that. I feel that there is space, though, space for something else, some thing that stretches me, some thing that causes me to trust Jesus more and more (as if having a kid hasn't done that already, right?!!), some thing that I will be able to look back on years from now and know that this time wasn't just spent doing laundry and meeting friends for coffee, but that I devoted time to pursuing Jesus in a way that wasn't about me. I don't know if I'm expressing myself adequately right now and I hope I'm not offending any other stay at home moms. I only know what I feel and I feel like God is calling me to some thing. What that thing is...I don't know yet. I'm praying God reveals it before I finish the book!

I'll keep you posted.

New rule

2010-04-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

My new rule for posting is that Sunday is my Sabbath. No posting on Sundays. It's so nice to not have to open up my computer for a whole day. As a stay-at-home mom, there are times when HAVING to open my computer is a pain and times when NOT HAVING to open my computer is a pain.

In this case, Sundays are for everything non-virtual.

Monday post to come later.

Awesome friends

2010-04-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

(This picture wasn't taken tonight, but it has all of us ladies in it. Gram was so tiny here!)

I just returned from an evening spent with 4 of my favorite ladies - Robin, Larissa, Emily and Karli. Our husbands graciously planned an evening of watching the kids (6 in all, with one more on the way!) so that we moms could have an evening together as sane, adult women. Yeah!! It was much needed and oh so good!

I feel so blessed to have a group of close friends who I love and trust, who are in the same stage of life as we are and all spouses get along so well, who I can have truly honest and hard conversations with, who understand and love each other through the ups and downs of life. I fully recognize this unique blessing and am so, so, so grateful. I just can't express fully how much these ladies mean to me. I feel honored to have them in my life, I feel humbled that I get to be a part of their lives and their children's lives, and I feel blessed, absolutely blessed by their friendship.

Thank you God for awesome friends!

My beloved

2010-04-09T19:18:00.001-07:00

Song of Songs 7:10
"I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me."

I LOVE my husband. I love, love, love Dustin Bagby. I can't get enough of him these days, actually I never could get enough of him. From the moment I became friends with Dustin I wanted to be with him all the time. Dating long distance made me want to spend more and more time with him. After getting married I thought maybe I would get tired of being with him day in and day out, but that has yet to happen.

(By the way, right now Dustin is in the other room rationally explaining to Gram why he needs to sleep in until 7:30 tomorrow morning.. you know..because it's Saturday and it's a day off. I can only imagine what Gram's face looks like!)

I digress, these days time with Dustin is...different. Well, it's shared mainly - shared with Gram, the love of both of our lives. We don't get as much quality time together. It's been an adjustment, a somewhat hard adjustment at times. To be real honest, it's hard for me to share Dustin sometimes because I love his love so much, I want it all for myself! With Gram, however, it's been different. I love to sit and watch Dustin with Gram, I love to listen to Dustin's growls and Gram's laughter, I love to see Dustin be so silly and Gram completely eat it up. Quality time with Dustin now often includes quality time with Gram. And I'm perfectly happy about that.

However, we still need time just the two of us. I most feel the effects of not living near family during the times when I miss Dustin the most, knowing that I can't schedule the grandparents to babysit Gram on a weekly basis giving us a regular date night, or call them up last minute so we can have a quiet cup of coffee together. I was really feeling disconnected and completely exhausted after last week, I knew I needed some good ol' Dusty time.

Thanks to Mallory, she watched Gram on Monday morning for a few hours so Dustin and I could hang out. I had no idea how much this time together would help rejuvenate and strengthen me, but that's what it did. Gram hasn't been sleeping the greatest this week, but I don't care. I feel like I have all of this energy now, just from a few quality hours with my hubby. Praise God!

I have just been reminded how important our marriage relationship is, how important it is to keep it healthy and alive for the sanity of both of us and Gram. I was reminded of how perfect Dustin is for me, how he revives me when I'm at my wits end, how he makes me laugh when I feel like crying, how (all cheesiness aside) he really does complete me. I am thankful to have him in my life every moment of every day. I'm thankful he's Gram's dad. I'm thankful he loves me more than anyone else in the whole world. I'm thankful for my beloved, thankful that he is mine and I am his.

My little man

2010-04-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

D. Herrold
"Babies are such a great way to start people."

This quote was given to me by Tara at my baby shower and I just love it. Having a baby has been the hardest thing I've ever done both physically and emotionally. There are times that I feel like Gram's cuteness is the only thing getting me through a sleepless night. It's his amazing smile and big eyes that make waking up at 5:45am after just a few hours of sleep not that big of a deal. I can't get mad at the kid cause he's so darn cute!!

His personality is beginning to come out more and more. It's so fun to see him find what he likes or doesn't like, to make him laugh and get so excited by kicking his feet ferociously. Some of my favorite Gram traits:

1. When you help him to stand up he gets a BIG smile on his face and he just looks so proud of himself. It's adorable!2. When he sits on my lap, he'll turn and look up at me with his sweet eyes, as if to make sure I was still the one holding him.
3. His kisses!! Open mouth and slobbery, sweet.
4. He loves looking at our living room curtains. He gets so excited when we hold him up close to them and, again, kicks his feet ferociously.
5. He talks to lights. All the time. Loves to talk to lights. So weird.
6. He loves, loves, loves to smile and laugh. Warms my heart every time. Can't get enough of it!!

I look forward to getting to know him more, to learning what makes him who he is, to seeing traits that are similar to Dustin and I and others that are just all Gram.

My BFF

2010-04-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 17:17
"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

I have been incredibly blessed to have loyal friends - friends from high school, college, and post college, friends pre-parenting and post-parenting, friends in every part of the United States, friends who make my days memorable, the past pleasant to reflect on and the future hopeful, a few friends I consider family.
Jaime is one such friend. Jaime is my best friend in the whole world and the only sister I've ever known. We met in college and have been attached ever since. We have lived in the same town and across the country from each other. Together we have experienced singleness, married life, and now motherhood. Jaime has been one of my most loyal friends, and I honestly believe she was born to help in times of need. She has been an encourager, jokester, comforter, and confidant. She has been, is, and always will be a loyal friend and part of my family.

I feel like God has blessed our friendship is more ways than I can count. I think the biggest blessing He has given us is experiencing motherhood together. Even though she lives in Florida and I'm thousands of miles away in Oregon, we are bonded once again through this new adventure. As if motherhood wasn't hard or rewarding enough with one, Jaime got two! Twins! Zaya and Chase, whom I consider my niece and nephew, two babies that I am just dying to meet.

Not only have I got to experience Jaime as a loyal friend and sister, I now get to experience her as a great mom. She continues to inspire and amaze me. Her whole life has been that way, actually. A testament to God's goodness and redemption, an example of His promises fulfilled

I miss my best friend and sister. If I could have any wish right now, I would wish to be with her. To watch her love her babies, to introduce her to my little man, to go through the ups and downs of our days together, to make each other laugh when we want to cry, to make each other lunch when we're exhausted, and to witness the beauty of Zaya and Chases' smiles.

One day, friend, one day.

Delight in me

2010-04-06T16:45:00.000-07:00

Psalm 149:4
"For the Lord takes delight in his people..."

I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm with Gram all day, every day. Not counting the times he's asleep, I am with him approximately 10 hours out of every day. That's a lot of time with someone else. I'll admit, there are times when I need a break. But mostly, I can't get enough of him. I can't look at him enough, touch him enough, kiss and hug him enough, or laugh with him enough. There are many times throughout the day that I look at him and feel like I'm seeing him for the very first time, I am THAT amazed at him. Amazed at his beautiful dark eyes, amazed at all his dark hair, amazed at the rolls on his legs, amazed at his perfect button nose, amazed at the back of his neck, fingers and toes. I feel like I could watch him forever and never get bored or tired.

Gram is starting to sit up by himself. So I'll sit behind him with my legs on each side to keep him from toppling to one side or the other. I'll hold toys in front of him and watch him play. I was struck today as I was gazing into the back of his neck, completely in love with the the way his hair swirls round in the back of his head, and I thought of God. I wondered if God feels about me like I feel about Gram. If he would rather do nothing else than sit and watch me all day long. If his favorite part of the day is when I wake up, if He misses me while I sleep. I wondered if He delights in everything I do, if He can't wait to see what I'll learn and do the next day. I wondered if He's even amazed that He created me, that I exist, that I live and breathe, that I am His.

I thought about how God sits behind me too. How his strong legs keep me from toppling over. How even though I can sit up on my own, He's behind me for me to lean on whenever I need to. How he puts experiences in front of me, opportunities to learn and grow. How it's up to me to engage those opportunities, to reach out and experience all that he's brought me. How even though He created me, I am my own person, with free will to make my own choices. How even though He's invested so much in me, has great plans for me, even died for me, I can still walk away and break that relationship. How if I chose to walk away, I would break His heart. How Heaven wouldn't be the same without me. How, in His eyes, no one compares to me.

Today, I delighted in my son and my Father delighted in me.

2010-04-05T19:29:00.000-07:00

I've decided to make Gram's baby food. This is sweet potatoes. I'm freezing it in ice cube trays for easy access and preparation. I'm really excited to make Gram's food instead of buying it. For me, it's the right choice. There aren't many homemaker things I can or am willing to do. I'm not the greatest cook, I can't sow to save my life, and I've never gardened before. I feel like making Gram's food is one way that I can be thrifty and a homemaker. I'm excited to provide fresh and nutritious meals for him and hopefully save our family money.

It's bizarre to know that he is a clean slate when it comes to food. Everything he tastes is new to him. He hasn't tasted any of the stuff that's bad for you yet. He's only had the most nutritious meals possible, breastmilk and fresh veggies. I wish I could say the same for myself! I want to try to keep him from junk food for as long as possible. I'd like to help him be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I don't know what kind of health Gram is going to have, I'm not for sure what genes he's inherited. What I do know is I can feed him well and hopefully teach him to love the right kind of foods and not be interested in the bad kind. We'll see how it goes!

He is not here; he has risen

2010-04-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

Matthew 28:1-6
"After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to he tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen..."

Praise God!! I love this description of the events of the very first Easter. And praise God that the pain and loss and confusion felt on Good Friday wasn't for nothing. Praise God that there is hope! Always hope, eternal hope.

There have been times in my life that seem like Good Friday, hopeless. I have friends and family who have been there or are there right now, stuck in the hopelessness of Good Friday - confused and frustrated, sad and ashamed. I have to remind myself and I want to remind them that there is hope! There is Easter Sunday always. Christ as risen, he has risen indeed! And we don't have to live with hopelessness or shame, we have been forgiven because of Christ's sacrifice and love for us. We, too, can rise again just as our Savior has done.

Praise God!!

Happy Easter!

Father, I need your strength

2010-04-03T19:45:00.001-07:00

It's 7:45pm on Saturday night, the day before Easter. I just put Gram down and am going to bed. Dustin and I both are just...exhausted.

Father, I need your strength.

Jesus, fill me up.

the only thing that matters

2010-04-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've missed the last 2 days of blogging and I apologize. Enough said...

"The only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love." Gal. 5:6

This has been my favorite verse for many, many years. I feel, at times, overwhelmed by all the richness of the Bible. There is so much good stuff in it, so much truth, applicable to all of my life. Every day I find God's words seemingly spoken directly to me. But this verse has always felt like my center. It brings all those other truths together and wraps them up in me. There are times that I wonder what I should be doing from day to day, how I should be living out my faith. This verse tells me. There are times that I wonder what God's will is for my life, what his purposes are for me this very moment. This verse tells me. There are times that I can't make sense of what's going on in and around me, confused by injustice and pain. This verse directs me. For me, if I could have only one verse from Scripture to keep for the rest of my days, this is the verse I would choose. When I read it, it feels like home.

I think I connect so much with this verse because of the images that come to mind when I read it. I think of my family, my grandma Martha in particular, when I read this verse. She has modeled this verse to me my whole life. When I think of her I think of her faith and her love. And I want to be just like that. I want my life to be about my faith and my love - imperfect, incomplete, but with the purest of motives, the most genuine heart.

I think of Christ, of course, and the way each interaction he had on earth was filled with love. He spoke lovingly, he touched lovingly, he laughed lovingly, he wept lovingly and he even died lovingly. Every movement, every breath, including his last, came from a place of love. His faith in mankind is hard to believe at times and yet he not only believed in us, he loved us.

Today is Good Friday. A day to remember Christ's love for us, his faith that what he was about to do and sacrifice would be worth it, for us. Lord, may you remind me today that the only thing that matters is your love.

Going to bed

2010-03-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm not really for sure what to post for today except that I'm still tired. Long night with Gram last night and I'm just hoping for a better night tonight. He's definitely teething and moving all over the place. Lots going on with him and I know he's just trying to get it worked out. He's in the phase where he has a hard time eating because he's interested in everything else going on, he's teething which is painful and full of drool and knawing on his hands, and he's so close to rolling over that he wants to practice in his crib in the middle of the night. The triple threat!

My prayer is for strength and patience tonight, no matter how many times I have to get up or how long I have to be up with him. I LOVE the little man and cherish even the long nights. Good night! Hopefully I'll have a more meaningful post tomorrow. =)

the King smiles

2010-03-29T19:54:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 16:15
"When the king smiles, there is life; his favor refreshes like a spring rain."

Today is the first day of spring. And it has been raining, all night and all day. It's cold and wet and our flowers have got quite a drink. It's been the kind of rain that makes you want to stay inside, cuddled up on the couch with your love, watching a movie and drinking hot chocolate. The kind that sounds refreshing from the rooftop, the kind that leads your refreshment by keeping you inside.

I've felt tired today, physically worn out from a somewhat sleepless night with my Gramcakes and a busy day out and about in the spring rain. My body feels exhausted, it feels worn out from life, the good kind of worn out. The kind of worn out from staying up late with my husband, from filling our days with quality time with friends, from purposeful interactions with my little Gram man, from life...life full of blessing and favor and spring rain. I am excited for rest tonight, whatever amount God and Gram decide to bestow on me, and another day tomorrow filled with life and, most likely, more rain.

The King smiles on me and I am refreshed.

Honoring the Body

2010-03-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

"The Christian practice of honoring the body is born of the confidence that our bodies are made in the image of God's own goodness. As the place where the divine presence dwells, our bodies are worthy of care and blessing...It is through our bodies that we participate in God's activity in the world." - Stephanie Paulsell

I've been slowly reading the book "Sacred Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation" by Ruth Haley Barton for the past few months. This book has come at just the right time for me. Each chapter is full of truth that I need to hear, leaving me feeling convicted to change and grow and really just get my act together. It's a book I want to read over and over again, a book full of words that will never not be relevant to my every day life. It has felt so monumental for me for many reasons: I've been in need of some internal spiritual revival for some time, with the change to being a stay-at-home mom I want to be more intentional and feel I often have the time now to be more intentional with my life, my understanding of living my life for God has changed and needs some more mature teaching, and it's been awhile since I've read a book focusing on my own spiritual walk.

None has been more timely than the chapter on honoring our bodies. Wow...uh...I don't REALLY want to talk about this but feel like I need to. So...For the past year or so, I've been a major slacker when it comes to caring for my body. I cared for it as I was carrying Gram as much as I physically could, but I definitely wasn't caring for it to the extent that I had previously. I lived with the mindset, "I'm pregnant! I don't have to and shouldn't diet!! Physically it's hard to exercise, so I won't! I can eat whatever I want and say it's for the baby." I have been living in indulgence mode, indulge in whatever I want and stay away from anything taxing. And I'm beginning to feel fat and overindulgent, not just physically but mentally as well. (I write this as I'm craving ice cream or chocolate, ugh!)

I failed Lent miserably. I tried to give up sweets but caved time and time again. It's been REALLY hard to get back to a mind set of sacrifice, discipline, and balance. But I need to, I need self-control in this area, I need God's help.

I want every part of my life to be honoring to God, even my body. For so long I believed that my physical body didn't really matter, it was a temporary home to my heart and soul that I could treat however I wanted. But this book has reminded me how wrong I've been. My whole self, physical body included, was created by and purposed for God. If I don't take care of it I'm short changing what He's planned for me and for my family. And it's not just about being healthy and in good shape, it's about the lifestyle I'm leading. A lifestyle of indulgence is not honoring to God, never having to say "no" to myself is not honoring to God, consuming just for the sake of consuming is not honoring to God. I don't want to live like that and I definitely don't want to teach Gram to live like that.

So, tomorrow's a new day, a day I hope to use my body, mind, and heart to honor God.

Cutting Coupons

2010-03-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 31:27
"..She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness."

At some point I'm sure I'll blog about every verse in Proverbs 31: the wife of noble character. Today it's this one. I attended a coupon cutting class today as part of my mission to watch over the affairs of my household, namely our budget. The class was great, very informative and practical. I've always thought of cutting coupons as not really worth my time, but this teacher actually makes money off of buying products, what?! It's amazing and it's exactly what I need to do for our house.

I see my #1 job as raising Gram and my #2 job as saving us money, thus my new found interest in coupons. There is an art to cutting coupons, for sure, but one that I know I can learn and will be worth my time. I look forward to cutting our budget, stockpiling the necessities and throwing out the bread of idleness. I'll keep you posted on how I do.

If anyone has any tips about coupons or ways you have saved money for your household, do share!

A Mom's Prayer

2010-03-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

gram: a unit of measurement

Gram Keaton Bagby: a life immeasurable

May you measure yourself against none other than Christ, our Savior, all the days of your life.
May you measure the world around you by the love of Christ.
May you measure love unconditionally, generously and sacrificially.
May you measure your family and friends with loyalty, devotion and service.
May you measure life in justice, compassion and courage.
May you know that we believe no one measures up to you.
May God have favor on you and bless your life...a life that is truly immeasurable.

...Still thinking

2010-03-24T17:10:00.001-07:00

Hebrews 4:12
"For the word of God is alive and active."

I've been thinking a lot about my post from yesterday all day today. I've asked God for help A LOT today. (Gram is in a phase where every nap is a battle.) I've also been reading the book Baby Whisperer and although it's a good book I'm realizing that maybe I need to take a break from reading books about baby behavior for awhile. I'm realizing that when I'm reading a book like that I get frustrated with Gram more easily because I feel like I'm not doing things right or he isn't acting like he should. I read what is in these books and I feel like I follow what they say and yet still have the same sleep issues with Gram. And I feel like a failure. I feel like I obviously don't know my child well enough or I would have picked up on cues sooner or established a better schedule that would help him to sleep so soundly night after night and nap well day after day.

I don't want to feel like that.

I don't want to feel like I'm second guessing myself because of what I've just read. Or as I'm doing what a book told me and it's not working how my child must be abnormal. So...I'm going to take a break for awhile.

Just prayer and Scripture for this mom - that way I will be more focused on what God is doing IN ME instead on what Gram is or isn't doing. God's Word isn't a how to for parenting, but it is alive and active and has all I need.

Thank you Father for your Word. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for knowing who Gram is and what he needs better than anyone. Thank you for giving me the most amazing little man. Thank you for choosing me to be his mom.

Father help my unbelief

2010-03-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 16:1
"We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives the right answer."

I'm realizing that I don't seek the Lord for the right answer often enough and that I try to make plans of my own without consulting him too much. I realized this last night about 1 am when Gram, who had been up since 10:30pm, wouldn't go back to sleep. I tried everything I could think of - in that 3 hours I fed him 3 times, changed his diaper, suctioned his nose, rocked and bounced him and nothing worked. I was so tired and yet asking God for strength and guidance wasn't the first thing I did. It wasn't until after all of my plans failed that I asked God for help. Why is that? Why do I have such a hard time turning to the One who I know has everything I need?

Gram is teething and probably going through a growth spurt considering he ate 5 times last night and it's wearing on me. It's wearing because he's such a happy and content baby most of the time that it doesn't make sense to me when he's nuts about going down for a nap or when he doesn't eat well during the day, things that typically aren't an issue for him. I feel at my wits end sometimes and yet it's hard for me to ask God for help. It's easy for me to research on the internet and read books about these issues, but it's hard for me to feel like God has the answers I need concerning these every day, small compared to the larger picture, issues. What can God teach me about helping Gram sleep better? How can God help me understand why Gram is upset? Why does he care? And yet I know he does.

I know he has the answers - I know he has specific answers to my questions and I know he has strength and patience for me to just get through, knowing these issues won't be problems forever.

I know He has what I need.

I believe He does.

Father help my unbelief.

Can he get any cuter, really?

2010-03-24T16:58:00.000-07:00

I didn't post yesterday and don't have a good excuse except that I allowed housework to take priority over blogging. I need to not do that.

To ensure that I'm forgiven, here's who I spent my day with. Can he get any cuter, really?

Fatherstyle

2010-03-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

It's pretty obvious in any family that moms and dads relate and parent their kids differently. I noticed this difference almost immediately after bringing Gram home from the hospital. Dustin does things differently than me, not better or worse, just different. He holds Gram differently, he comforts him differently, he plays with him differently. And I love it. I love to see Dustin with Gram. I love to see him hold him and play with him and talk to him and make him laugh. I love that no one..NO ONE... can make Gram smile and laugh like Dustin. It warms my heart every time. I love the bond that's already there between them and look forward to seeing it grow more every day. And I know that bond is there because of the time and attention that Dustin gives to Gram. Dustin and Gram have mornings together (so I can sleep in, yeah!), time that Dustin holds very dear, one on one time between a father and a son.

I started reading a book called "Fatherstyle" about the way fathers parent that is typically different than mothers but is very important to raising healthy children. Just because I'm Gram's mom, I don't claim to know all the answers or think my way is the right way to do things with him. I know I have limitations as his mom and I want to embrace the strengths that Dustin as his father brings. I hate the stereotypes that is often displayed on tv that mothers are nurturing and dads are clueless and emotionally distant. I haven't found this to be the case with Dustin and I don't expect that to change.

But it takes work. It takes work for me to not just take over when Dustin isn't doing what I would do, and for Dustin to not give up but try to figure things out with Gram. It takes effort on both our parts to learn from each other, to see the strengths that we both bring to parenting Gram, to appreciate the other parent and respect their differences.

I'm excited to read this book to learn about the strengths that fathers bring to parenting. I think it will help me to appreciate Dustin more as well and hopefully help me be a better mom...two things I can never have enough of.

From the lips of babes...

2010-03-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Matthew 21:16b
"..'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise?'"

The cooing of babies is absolutely infectious. It is one of my top 10 favorite sounds, the new little voices of babes. It's so sweet to see their eyes light up, their mouths open wide, and noise emmerge, a victory for them..one step closer to finding their words, the realization that they can speak, amazing! Gram loves to talk. He not only loves to talk to Dustin and I, but weirdly enough, he loves to talk to our living room curtains. I have yet to get this on video, but I will try the next time it happens. In fact, often at 4am when he can't get back to sleep it's because he's distracted by our living room curtains and the conversation he feels he needs to have with them right then and there. He also loves to talk to lights, any light will do, but especially our kitchen light and clocks. He's got a thing for numbers already, just like me!! Him talking to curtains and lights is a bit weird sometimes that we wonder if he's seeing something that we're not. If in his innocence he sees something in the spiritual realm that we can't. I wonder if God hears his coos and grunts and understands, if He's communicating back through lights and curtains. I wonder if Gram can see God in his surroundings more than we can because he doesn't have the distractions and worry and stress like we do. His attention can be so focused sometimes on something seemingly so simple, I wish I would slow down and take the time to do the same. To praise God for the sunshine and dirt, the wind and rain, the beauty of people and redemption he provides every day.

I'm so thankful we are part of a community with tons of babies because I get to hear all their voices, their coos of affection and excitement. Here's a pic of Everett Vaughn and Etta Leonardo, two of Gram's very best friends. Etta has already started to coo and it's such a sweet, sweet sound. From the lips of babes God will be praised!

A time to plant

2010-03-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ecc 3:1&2
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:..a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

I didn't post yesterday because I was too busy planting and uprooting. We have done so much uprooting since we moved into our house. Lots and lots of cleaning out and tearing down, especially when it comes to our backyard. Friday and Saturday we prepared to plant by installing 3 garden boxes. They are beautiful..for so many reasons, not only will they provide food for our family virtually for free, they are a symbol of Dustin and I's hard work and ownership of our property. It's good to have land! And it's even better when you get to produce something with it, when it works for you. We are hoping these garden boxes do just that.

So, yesterday was not the time to sit down at my computer, rather it was a day of enjoying the sunshine, being productive and spending time with friends. My favorite kind of time.

Our garden boxes pre-dirt.

Dustin, Jim and Clay filling the boxes. It was quite a bit of dirt. After this they went to Jim and Clay's houses to fill their boxes as well. A long day of manual labor, way to go guys!

Our greatest joy

2010-03-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 15: 20
"Sensible children bring joy to their father; foolish children despise their mother."

I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Gram when he's older. Right now he's completely dependent on me, I am the center of his world, and it feels nice. It feels so amazing to be so wrapped up in another human being. Even more, it melts my heart when he smiles at me, especially after nursing, as if to say, "thanks mom for that delicious meal!" As he grows he will go through stages of thinking I am the coolest person in the world to thinking I'm the lamest. There will come a day when he'll fall in love with a girl and get married and start a family of his own, when I won't be the center of his world any longer. I hope and pray that he'll still think highly of me, that he'll want me to be a part of his life, that he'll invite me into his world no matter what he's going through. But that's not guaranteed. We might drift apart, I might not agree with or understand the choices he's made for his life which would strain our relationship, he might not want me to be a part of his life at all.

I don't mean to be so doom and gloom, I've just been thinking. Thinking how he's going to hurt me, disrespect me, maybe even hate me at some point. I hope not, but it's likely. Parenting is hard. 5 months into this adventure and every day I realize more and more how emotionally hard parenting is. How part of me wants to put up walls and protect my heart and the other part wants to love Gram (and any future kids) with everything I've got. I'm realizing what I put my parents through during my teenage years, and I'm sorry, sorry I ever caused them pain because they didn't deserve it, wanting to appreciate them for all of the sacrifices they made for me and all the love they poured into me. I want to treat my parents as I pray Gram treats me, with love and respect.

One of the greatest feelings I've ever felt is when I've brought joy to my parents. And I hope Gram learns to feel that way about Dustin and I. I pray that he accepts our love and the joy we feel towards him for just being him - that he grows up knowing he is our greatest joy and appreciates that he has parents that feel that way about him.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2010-03-18T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my mom's birthday! I'm not for sure if she would want me sharing her age, but I will. 55!! Crazy huh? She doesn't look a day over 40 in my mind. She's just as beautiful at 55 as at 30, still as vibrant and full of energy, still loving unconditionally everyone she meets, still one of my favorite people to be with.

I've learned so much from my mom over the years - how to laugh at myself, how to love others, how to faithfully follow Jesus through the ups and downs of life, and now how to be a good mom myself (more to say about that later). She is one of a kind and I couldn't have picked a better mom had I hand picked her.

I'm very thankful my mom gets to ring in her 55th year with me in Portland. I don't get to see her enough, especially on special occasions, so this is a treat. Happy Birthday Mom!!

Oh Sunny Day

2010-03-17T21:21:00.001-07:00

Proverbs 15:15
"For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast."

Today I feasted. So much so that it's 9:22pm and I finally got a minute to sit down at the computer. A day full of Gram, friends, and sunshine. Life can't get any better than this.

And now I'm off to feast some more, my parents and aunt and uncle have just arrived from Hawaii on their way back to Illinois and we get 2 nights with them. So thankful!

Life is good, so very good.

Add it to the List

2010-03-16T10:58:00.001-07:00

Today I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions, like every moment I should be doing about 3 things.

Lord give me strength and patience and joy in the midst of craziness.

Pinky fingers and elbows

2010-03-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 12: 18
"But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it."

Dustin and I moved to Portland 3 1/2 years ago for many reasons - so he could go to seminary, so we could live in a place that resonated with our interests, so we could be a part of a church that shared our philosophy of ministry. But the main reason is we felt God calling and we followed.

When we visited Portland for the first time, we immediately loved it. But what we loved most was Evergreen. Dustin's heart is church planting and through his experiences elsewhere he refined in his mind how he would plant a church if given the opportunity. Evergreen was almost exactly it. We were told if we wanted to be a part of leadership at Evergreen that we should move to Portland, attend Evergreen and see what happened, so that's what we did. And God, faithful as always, provided an opportunity for Dustin to join the leadership, start the first separate gathering, and provided a group of people that we call family.

It's been amazing to see over the last 3 1/2 years how God has brought each person to Evergreen for a reason, He has put all of us right where he wants us, atleast that's what I believe. I have said this before, but I feel very much like a mother hen when it comes to my Evergreen family. Every person that comes through the door I want to gather under my wing and make sure they are cared for. Dustin feels the same. He longs to see each person that comes through the door to know and be known by Jesus more and more, for their lives to be transformed by his message of hope and redemption.

But it's hard. It's hard to be a part of family. It's hard to not feel like a failure when things aren't going perfectly. It's hard to not take responsibility for others bad choices. Dustin carries that weight, as most pastors do. His heart hurts when people are hurting, his righteous anger flares at injustices, and his mind reels when things don't make sense. The life of a pastor. Trust in a God who's big enough to handle all of our imperfections and faith in a people who's hearts are searching for what is true and holy.

Whether we're pinky fingers or elbows, we wouldn't want to a part of any other body.

My Cup Runneth Over

2010-03-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

As a new mom, there is nothing that brings me more joy than Gram, really enjoying Gram - enjoying holding him and looking at him, playing with him and making him laugh.

But the next best thing is watching other people feel that same way about Gram. My eyes well up watching family and friends light up over him. I got to experience this today at church. Our friends Emily and Clay love Gram, and I love to watch them love Gram. They both get so excited to hold him and play with him. Looking across the room today at both of them holding Gram, so into him made my heart swell. All three of them had huge smiles on their faces which automatically brought one to mine.

I can't express my gratitude of knowing Gram is so loved, not only by Dustin and I, but my our family and friends as well. I love getting to share parenting with so many other amazing moms and dads. I love getting to be a part of their children's lives and know that Gram is so blessed by their involvement in his. Not everyone has multiple grandparents that care so much about them, but Gram does. He has aunts and uncles that delight in him just as much as the rest of us. What a lucky kid!

Oh, my cup runneth over, it runs and runs and runs!!

I see you

2010-03-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

Proverbs 15:3
"The Lord is watching everywhere, keeping his eye on both the evil and the good."

I find myself saying to Gram a lot, "I see you!" I say it to convey comfort to him, to let him know I care about what he's doing, that I'm still close by, that I haven't left him. I say it to acknowledge whatever kind of cuteness he's bubbling over with at that moment, to say to him I love watching him learn and grow and do something new.

I'm sure there will come a time when "I see you!" will be in response to some kind of mischief that Gram is up to. But for now seeing Gram is so much fun, not only for me but for Gram too. It's incredible to see his face light up when our eyes meet. He's begun to smile and laugh at us while we're having conversations with other people, he's not even part of the conversation! But when we look over and see him smiling and laughing, he does it all the more. He loves to talk back to us in response to our talking to him. It's obvious in so many ways that Gram wants to be seen, longs for it actually. Such a critical part of a baby's development is being acknowledged and included in life around them. Everything in them cries out to be seen.

There are times that I, too, long to be seen - for my life to be acknowledged and affirmed, to get some encouragement and empowerment for whatever good I'm trying to do at the time. I expect and depend on God seeing me. My whole life depends on it actually. If God didn't see me, I would be in total darkness, doomed to destruction and pain forever. But God does see me. He seems me in the middle of the night when I'm awake with a hungry baby. He sees me early in the morning and late at night. He sees my coming and going. He sees me...

He sees me even when I don't see myself. There have been times in my life that I'm not particularly proud of. There are times even now (and I know in the future) when my behavior doesn't line up with my heart, or my heart doesn't line up with His, and I've forgotten myself. In those moments I kind of hope God doesn't see me. However, it's exactly because He does that I am not lost. He eyes bring me back every time, reminding me that I am not alone, that he's still close by. Being seen reminds me that I am cared about and loved, that God loves seeing me grow and learn and do good. That as Gram learns about the world around him, I learn about Gram and that same world, and together we are seen.

Jesus loves me, this I know

2010-03-12T09:44:00.001-08:00

Proverbs 14:26
"Those who fear the Lord are secure; he will be a refuge for their children."

"Having a kid changes your life." Dustin and I realized this immediately. Driving Gram home from the hospital, everything looked different. Riding in a car was different, looking out the window at Walgreens and the trees was different, bringing him into our home was...amazing and different. Most profoundly, however, is my relationship with God is different. Worship means something different to me now that I have an heir, a tiny baby who is counting on me to teach him about the truths of this world and the next. Singing to the Lord, really listening to the words of grace and redemption that Christ offers to me is so much deeper knowing that He, in his unconditional love, has already extended that to Gram as well. I want the absolute best for Gram, I would give up anything good for myself for Gram to have everything good. God doesn't ask me to make that choice. He made that choice for me by sending his Son to us sinners, to love us, to forgive us, to redeem us. Gram and I need that.

It's a scary world out there and I can't imagine having brought Gram into it without the truth of God's love in my life. He makes life worth living for Gram. He will be Gram's rock, his refuge, his friend and savior. If I do nothing else right as a mom but teach Gram about his Father that loves him, I will consider this whole adventure a success.

Today I am grateful for Jesus in both Gram's and my life.

Worry vs. Trust, Part 2

2010-03-11T07:07:00.000-08:00

Matthew 6:34
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

I'm not a worrier typically. At times I think I'm a closet worrier actually, I tend to be stressed at times without physically showing it. But motherhood is proving to be a whole new realm of worry that I have never experienced before. I'm sure I'll have many posts about different things I might be worrying about concerning Gram, but right now it's sleep.

Gram has never been a big sleeper. As a newborn he would be up for 4-5 hours at a time, which completely confused me. I had always heard that all newborns did was eat, sleep and poop. Well, Gram ate and pooped just fine, but sleep was another story. He's went through phases of sleeping better. I longingly remember a 3 week stretch where I was up with him just once a night. But ever since January, he's been getting up most nights every 3-4 hours. Some nights I get a 5-6 hour stretch, some nights it's every 2 hours (like last night!!) I have read more articles and asked more questions about sleep compared to any other and still I feel a bit at my wits end.

Two nights ago he slept 9 hours straight! "Yes!" I thought, "Maybe now he'll start to sleep better." And then last night up every 2 hours!!! Had I not had the 9 hour stretch the night before, I think I would be in tears writing this post. What's a new mom to do?

There are many different theories of ways to get your baby to sleep and I'm having a hard time figuring out which one fits Gram best. I feel like I've tried routine/ schedule (as much as made sense with Gram) and it didn't really work. I'd like to give it another try and probably will. I've tried feeding on demand and watching his natural cues. Everything I've tried has seemed to work a little or for a short time. Maybe I need to be more consistent and stick with one thing.

What worries me is feeling this overwhelming pressure that it's all up to me. Like after the 9 hour stretch, I wracked my brain thinking what I had done with him the day before and tried to repeat it, but then I got 2 hour stretches. I wonder how much is me and how much is just Gram. Gram is an incredibly happy and content baby, so I have nothing to complain about. But getting more sleep would be SO NICE! And I know he needs more sleep at times too, how can I help him sleep better?

Lately, I have found myself dreading going to bed because I don't know what the night will hold. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like what I am doing right now with Gram might adversely affect his sleeping later. I feel like all my decisions with him revolves around sleep. And maybe that's ok, maybe that needs to be until we get this figured out. Or maybe I'm worrying about it too much. I don't know.

Today, I don't know. I'm running on too little sleep and a heart heavy with prayers for sleep for both Gram and me.

Worry vs. Trust, Part 1

2010-03-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

Matthew 6:31-33
"So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

Dustin and I held off making the decision about whether I would be a stay at home mom for some time. During my pregnancy and even the first weeks of Gram's life, we still hadn't made the decision. It wasn't that we didn't believe in the importance of one of us staying at home or the benefits to both Gram and us. It was purely financial. We weren't for sure if financially we could do it, and we weren't for sure financially if we were ready to do it. We were a 2 income family, FINALLY! After Dustin graduated from Seminary, we had just bought a house, and it felt SO NICE to not have to live paycheck to paycheck.

We had come a long way from living in a basement studio apartment, Dustin working at Hollywood video and painting and me commuting 3 hours a day to make ends meet. It felt good. SO good. It felt good to have a home and to have the finances to complete projects for it. It felt good to be able to go out to dinner with friends whenever we wanted. We remembered living in the basement studio apartment not having extra money for even 1 cup of coffee at Starbucks, let alone a meal out.

We had come a long way...God had brought us a long way. And it was so nice. But being with Gram, caring for this incredibly vulnerable little thing, it didn't take long for both of us to make up our minds - Gram needed mom at home. And maybe even more, mom needed to be home with Gram, and dad needed mom to be home with Gram. Dustin and I were surprised at how overwhelmed we felt about the need for me to be home with him. And so the decision was made.

March 5th was my last day as a full time out of the house employee. It was a great day! And yet a bit terrifying as well. The reality of living without the paycheck was setting in. And it's hard. It's hard to give up that control over our lives and, again, be in a place where we are relying on God month by month to help us make wise decisions and stretch our dollars. It's a great place to be, right? Relying on God? Yes!!! A million times over, YES!! And yet equally as scary.

And so, day by day, the tug of war inside of me between worry and trust goes on. Worry over whether we can afford health insurance and trust that God will provide for all our needs, as he has done time and time again. These small worries are nothing for our gigantic God. Our small family would be nothing without our gigantic God.

Proverbs 14:1

2010-03-09T12:01:00.000-08:00

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands."

This is probably the most fitting verse to begin my new job as a stay at home mom. What else is child rearing than building a home - a family, a future? I have already learned while on maternity leave and home with Gram that this can happen in both big and small ways.

Big ways to build your home vs. tear it down:
1. Having a heart of love vs. bitterness/ contempt
2. Speaking encouraging words vs. words that pick fights
3. Appreciating the opportunity to raise Gram vs. wondering what I might be missing out on
4. Putting me first vs. putting Gram first

Small ways to build your home vs. tear it down:
1. Filling my day with TV vs. quality time with Gram and God
2. Keeping up the house vs. laziness
3. Opening our home to others regularly vs. holing up by ourselves
4. Being thrifty vs. being frivolous

There are so many ways that this verse has and will play out in my days. My prayer is that I remember it often, that my choices build up instead of tear down, that Gram will grow up in a loving, secure and playful home and that he, too, will love to build.

Inspired

2010-03-09T11:32:00.001-08:00

So, i've been inspired by my best friend Jaime to begin blogging every day again. She's blogging daily about what she's thankful for and capturing a photo of it. i love going to her blog every day to see her amazing pics and write about what's going on in her life.

i'm afraid that this special time in my life is going to be gone before i know it, gone without me having reflected or captured what was REALLY going on with me and Gram and our family. so i've decided to blog every day about what God is teaching me. my rules are as follows:

1. i will try to have a scripture verse to accompany my post.
2. i can write about the same concept more than once but can't cut and paste an old entry.
3. i will be honest, even when it's ugly.

Post #1 on its way.

Some more pics

2009-07-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been good about updating the ole' blog. Here's some pregnancy pics.

Week 24

Week 19

First Prego Pics

2009-05-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

My first official pregnancy pics! I'll be 15 weeks on Thursday. The first trimester has gone incredibly well. I've had no morning sickness at all, absolutely none! Praise God!

October 29th is coming soon and we can't wait to meet our new little one!!

Mr. Master of Divinity

2009-04-27T20:29:00.001-07:00

Congrats to my husband who after 3 years of study and hard work has completed his Master of Divinity graduate degree (well, he still has 4 classes this summer to complete). I was kind of struck at the graduate dinner on Friday night and again at the graduation on Saturday what an accomplishment this is. Dustin has made it seem pretty effortless, to be honest. He's just so natural at thinking and reading and writing that the past 3 years hasn't seemed to me to be very hard for him. But I know better.

I know it's because of his good organizational skills that he was able to complete most of his work during the day while working part time so as to have the evenings free for me, our friends, and the church. I know that because of his love of reading he used every spare moment he had to do the required and recommended readings for each class. I know it's because of his discipline of truly being present at whatever he was doing at the moment, whether that be doing schoolwork, fixing dinner with me, preparing a sermon, or reading just for fun that I was convinced everything was always under control.

I can remember just a few times that I saw Dustin get flustered because he was feeling overwhelmed with his schedule. He has worked 6 and often 7 days a week for the last 3 years and hasn't complained once. We are looking forward to him being done with school and having a somewhat normal schedule (if you can call a minister's schedule normal!) We'll see how long that lasts.

What I love most is I know this isn't the end. Dustin is a life-long learner and eventually we will be back here again, rearranging our lives for him to further his education and celebrating his accomplishments when he's finished. The only question is who will get their PhD first, him or me?

Well, it's official.

2009-04-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm 30. The big 3-0.

I assume it's only appropriate to reflective upon the close of each decade of your life. I owe atleast that to my 20's. Last night as I was going to sleep, I had some good reflections. They were eloquent in my head and yet right now I can't seem to recall any of it. Dang! I hope this isn't the first sign of how my 30's will go. I digress.

Let me begin by saying my 20's were fantastic. A lot of milestones over the last 10 years- graduated from college and graduate school, moved out on my own, followed God to Florida, learned the ins and outs of coffee and pastries, spent A LOT of time by the pool, lived with my very best friend Jaime, ministered together with Jaime, met the love of my life, dated the love of my life in New York City of all places!, married the love of my life, followed God to Portland, embraced being a pastor's wife, the list goes on and on...

My 20's were great. And yet already I've noticed the biggest change between my 20's and 30's is regrets. I lived my 20's with no regrets. Mistakes that were made were seen as lessons learned. Poor decisions and their consequences as opportunities to draw close to God. I truly felt throughout my 20's that I had no regrets in life.

I begin my 30's by reflecting on some regrets from my 20's. I feel like with age and hopefully wisdom, I'm understanding a little bit better true consequences. No, that's not it. As I turn 30 I have an overwhelming understanding of a very important truth for us all...you only get one life. Just one. One life is all I get in this world. And everything I do matters. I don't get another 20's. I don't get to redo any year of my life. I get one shot to make the most of my life, and I guess I just have to wonder if I'm giving it my best. Have I given all that God has given me my very best? At times I feel like I have given my best back to God and other times I'm ashamed to admit that I fall desperately short.

That's it. That is what is consuming my mind at the moment. So, just for fun and to distract me from pondering, let's reflect on what Kelli would and would NOT do if she could live her 20's over again.

If I could live my 20's over again, I would change....
1. Money matters - IF ONLY I had truly understood the importance of saving and wise spending. I regret not being better with my money in my 20's. Granted, I had a REALLY great time, but I also know I wasted a lot of money, and I regret that.
2. Health matters - IF ONLY I had used my metabolism in my 20's to really shed some excess weight and get in shape. I know it's still possible in my 30's, 40's and 50's but I wish I would have taken eating right and working out more seriously in my 20's.

I guess those are the big things. There are little things - you know, those situations where you acted like an idiot and wish you could just erase the memory of it forever - but there's no need to go into every one of those!

If I could live my 20's over again, I would NOT change...
1. Moving to Florida - It was definitely one of the greateast times of my life. I became friends with Dustin which ultimately led to us getting married, I lived with my very best friend, and I had TONS of visitors from all over the country come visit me, because who doesn't want to go to the beach for vacation? I miss that.
2. Moving to Portland - Also one of the greateast times of my life. I love this city and all it has to offer, I love our church and the amazing people I've got to know here, I love the whole state and how beautiful it is.
3. Following God - Although there have been tough times, times of financial uncertainty, confusion and frustration, I would never in a million years not follow God. It has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done with my life. I never dreamed my 20's would be what they were, they were so much better than anything I could have planned for my life and I owe that all to God.

Again, there are a lot of little things that I wouldn't change, like going to graduate school, ministering with Impact Ministries, taking trips to Italy, Vancouver B.C, and Lake Tahoe, attending friends' weddings, and celebrating every day life with those that I love.

So, that's it. Goodbye 20's and hello 30's. I do embrace you, 30's. You will look very different than the 20's, that doesn't make you any better or worse, you'll just be different. And I'm really looking forward to that.

Customer of the Week!!

2009-02-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

Our local QFC has a Starbucks (which we are SO thankful for). At the Starbucks, you can write your name and number on your receipt and drop it in a bucket for customer of the week. Last week was the first time I had done it, and I WON!!! You can't really see it, but under my name is my regular drink: Grande Soy Sugar Free Vanilla London Fog. I won a $10 gift card!! Woohoo!!

p.s. Dustin is super jealous. he he he he

Three Cups of Tea

2009-01-31T12:04:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading the book "Three Cups of Tea" last night. I feel like I've been devouring it since opening it for the first time. This book is incredibly inspiring, so interesting, the kind of story that I want to hear more of and be a part of.

This is the story of Greg Mortenson, an avid climber who attemped to climb K2, the second highest mountain in the world, but failed. He got lost on his way down the mountain and stumbled on the village of Korphe. The people of this village had never met an American before and very quickly they were Greg's best friend. One day Greg asked to see where the children went to school. Haji Ali, the village chief, took him up above the village where dozens of children, teacherless, with sticks in hand were practicing math in the dirt. The village could only afford a teacher 3 days a week, so on the off days the children practiced by themselves. He was so overcome by their hunger for education and determination to learn in the midst of the cold weather and no school supplies. He learned there was virtually no government funding for such small villages and the only other option for education was madrassas, the Muslim schools that are often known as extremists and tied to terrorist activities. He promised the village that he would do whatever it took to build them a school. Long story short, he got the $12,000 to build them a school and through the process realized that the way to fight terrorism was not through guns and bombs and military might, but rather through educating the next generation. So that's what he set out to do. Not only has he helped to build over 100 schools for women and children, especially girls, he's figured out the one way to ensure a future of peace for Pakistan and Afghanistan.

His story is so crazy and intriguing because he was building these schools in the build up and aftermath of the 9/11 attacks. He had tea with the Taliban and was even kidnapped at one point but set free. He has risked his life in a way that I can't even imagine.

I recommend this read to everyone. It truly is amazing what one man can do. The sacrafices his wife and children have made are staggering, all for poor nobody's half way across the world.

God steps in...yet again

2009-01-20T13:18:00.001-08:00

I'm sure Dustin will blog about this, but I just wanted to give a shout out to God today. I have said before that although I have always felt incredibly blessed by God, it wasn't until I married Dustin that I saw for the first time what God's favor on a person looks like. Time and time again in the last 3 and 1/2 years I have seen God step into Dustin's life in the most obvious and over the top ways. At times God has answered prayer quickly and other times, like today, we didn't have a chance to even pray about the situation before God decided to step in... yet again.

Thank you God for caring about the small and seeminly insignificant things in our life. Thank you that nothing is too small for your care and concern. Thank you that life isn't full of coincedences, but rather your gentle hand of love and protection.

To Him be the glory forever and forever!

Deliciously Deceptive

2009-01-17T12:44:00.000-08:00

I just got this book in the mail from Amazon. I'm super excited to try the recipes and deceive our taste buds with hidden veggies. Dustin and I actually really like vegetables and they are typically the majority of what we eat. However, there are some veggies that we don't eat regularly either because I don't know how to cook them or we don't really like them. I look forward to hiding them in our food to round out our diets.

I'm also really excited about this book because all of the recipes look so yummy. Probably because they are recipes kids would like. But I'm just happy to have a cookbook that I see myself making every single one of the recipes. I love cook books, yet I found myself not trying most of the recipes inside because I'm an amateur. I appreciate that this cook book is for amateurs like me. I can admit that....I'm not proud.

Bring on the deception!

New layout

2009-01-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

I'm loving this new lay out. It makes me want to start blogging again. So watch out world! I just might blog once a month. =)

Advent: A time of preparation

2008-12-01T08:11:00.000-08:00

As the Advent season begins, I'm excited. I'm excited to take these next few weeks to intentionally focus on Christ in a new and more purposeful way. I'm excited to share this experience not only with my church community but with millions of Christians worldwide. I'm excited to draw upon the history of this time of year and the power of the very first Christmas. I'm excited to look forward to the time when I myself will see Jesus with my own eyes. I'm excited for an eternity of Christmas.

Isaiah 9:6-7

"For a child is born to us,

a son is given to us.

The government will rest on his shoulders.

And he will be called:

Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

His government and its peace

will never end.

He will rule with fairness and justic from

the throne of his ancestor David

for all eternity.

The passionate commitment of the Lord of

Heaven's Armies

will make this happen."

It's been a long time....

2008-11-30T22:19:00.000-08:00

Life is good.

Kiva

2008-10-05T22:25:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a chance to read a lot about Kiva, but what I have read and know is absolutely amazing. You can check them out here and you should, you must in fact!

I've signed up but haven't loaned money yet. Dustin and I get "allowances" each month and we are going to use part of it to loan through Kiva. We each get to choose who we want to loan to. It's really fun, actually, getting to read people's stories who live thousands of miles away and who live a life so different than mine. I am fascinated and impressed by their resiliency, tenancity, commitment, strength, and creativity. I could never do this kind of thing in this country, it just takes too much that I don't have. But it's amazing how "little" to me goes so far somewhere else. And I am honored to get to help in some small way. I wish I could so much more.

Everyone should sign up and participate. So sign up now...now...NOW!!

McCall, Idaho

2008-09-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in McCall, Idaho for a few days this week attending an Emergency Disaster conference. We are staying at Ida Haven, an Adventist camp on a lake. This is a picture from the lodge. Ahhh...peace.

I heart surprises

2008-09-18T14:09:00.001-07:00

So, the best part about my work trip to Orlando was that I got to surprise my best friend Jaime. I had secretly worked out with her fiancee, Phil, getting her out of the house, me sneaking into the house, and her coming home to me standing there. Needless to say, there was A LOT of hugging, jumping, laughing and tears. Well worth it, I must say!! I had also secretly concocted with one of her other bridesmaids to throw a wedding shower for her. She knew she was having the shower, but she didn't know I would be there for it. So fun!

I just love suprises. I love secretly planning sweet things for those that I love in order to suprise them. It's just the best feeling ever! My time with Jaime was so great and much needed. We were both needing some best friend time as she is preparing to get married. I was fortunate enough to have my best friend as my roommate while I was engaged. She helped me with many wedding related things, but most of all she was there for moral support. I hate that I live so far away from her during this happy and stressful time in her life. So I was incredibly thankful that God would orchestrate a free trip for me to see her.

During my visit, we did some wedding planning stuff, took her chocolate lab, Cola (who was just a puppy the last time I saw her!) to the beach, hung out at her new house (so nice!) and played the Wii, and had many late night hours of girl talk. And that is what I miss most- the hours and hours of girl talk. I don't know what it is about us girls, but we can TALK!!! And I love it!! For all of you out there who don't know what late night girl talk is about, let me share the rules with you:

1. No question/ topic is untouched.
2. Personal opinion/ experience on an issue is all that matters.
3. Tears are optional.
4. Laughing is a must.
5. You are guaranteed to walk away with a stronger friendship and deeper understanding of your friend.
6. The topic of boys is ALWAYS on the agenda.
7. No hour is too late.
8. Whatever is said stays between those present.
9. Whatever is said is NOT gossip.
10. It is a MUST for best friends.

Ladies, am I missing any other rules?

Jaime has been my best friend for 10 years (crazy!) and she has been my sister for 5. Jaime and I have been through the ups and downs of life together. We've been roommates and worked through the frustrations of doing household chores differently (or not at all! Jaime!!!), we've been there for each other through heart breaks and life successes, we've been poor together monetarily and rich together in ministry, we've laughed and cried together and stuck with each in the yelling and in the silence. We've watched each other grow into the woman God has created us to be, we've encouraged and empowered each other along in that process, and we've called each other out in it as well. I call her family because she has experienced just as much life with me as my immediate family and loved me through it all.

I have been praying for Jaime's husband for many, many years. Jaime is no ordinary girl, she's extraordinary. I knew that God was preparing just the right extraordinary guy for her. And honestly, God did not disappoint. Phil, Jaime's fiancee, is absolutely perfect for my sis. They are opposite in so many ways, and yet fit together perfectly, like 2 pieces of a puzzle. I am beyond-words-excited about their life together and can't wait to see in what extraordinary ways God is going to work in their lives. I'm just thankful I get to be along for the ride.

Love you always!!

life's little surprises

2008-08-22T22:28:00.000-07:00

Life has been full of little surprises of which I am overwhelmingly thankful.

I attened training in Orlando, FL last week for my Emergency Disaster duties with The Salvation Army. Ironically, when Jaime and Phil were dropping me off in Orlando I said something along the lines of, "What's so weird about these kinds of conferences is I feel pressure to be social and talk to people, but really why? I'm never going to see these people again, so it's hard for me to be all chatty and nice. I just want to keep to myself and relax. So, I don't think I'm going to make any friends this week." Well, I was very wrong! God chose to cross my path with 5 police officers from Fischer, Indiana who completely welcomed me into their group. I do believe if I lived in Fischer we would all be friends. From the short amount of time that I spent with them, this is what I learned:

Mark is quite the social butterfly and has a sweet heart. However, he's still learning how to run in flip-flops without crash and burning.
Shawn is a funny, funny man. He reminded me of friends from college that use to crack me up all the time. We learned that his wife actually went to Lincoln Christian College, my alma mater. Go Preachers! I learned Shawn needs to not pursue his singing career.
Brad is a passionate and faithful evangelist, ready to talk/debate just about any topic. He may have been a theologian in another life.
Reggie is an incredibly courageous man. He's a loyal friend and all around great guy. His favorite song is Ebony and Ivory.
Angela is an amazing woman for putting up with not only these guys on this trip, but the predominantly male dominated department she works in. She has thick skin and a great sense of humor.

Thank you to Fischer Police Department for sending these guys to Orlando. You guys made my time there a lot of fun and set the bar really high for future trainings. I guess you'll just have to go wherever I go!!

Sincerely,
2-slash Kelli

3 years!!

2008-08-06T08:03:00.001-07:00

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband!!

Three years ago today Dustin and I got married. I would love to look back on the morning and hear our breakfast conversation. Dustin and I snuck out in the wee hours of the morning (around 8am) and had breakfast together. It was a great time of de-stressing from the wedding activities and helped us both prepare for seeing each other later in the day. I can't remember what we talked about. I assume we were both just ready to get to St. Lucia and start the honeymoon!!

What I do know is we were both so excited to start our lives together. And we still are! Praise God!

Dustin, I love you and I'm still excited to spend the rest of my life with you. In a group of people, you're still the one I want to be standing by and talking to. At night, you're still the one I want on the couch next to me. When I'm upset, you're still the one I want telling me funny stories to make me feel better. When I think about starting a family, you're still the one I want by my side, figuring it out together. For me, you are the perfect companion. I love you.

Celebrating new life

2008-08-05T16:31:00.000-07:00

Evergreen met together at the Goff house this past Sunday. We got kicked out of the Lucky Lab for "Hottest Day of the Year" Ride. Ironically, it was FREEZING all morning long. It was, however, one of the best days ever. It was tiresome with setting up, tearing down, and talking to so many people. An introvert like myself gets worn down by too many amazing people to talk to. Nevertheless, it was a great day. Here are a few pics that captured the day.

The band sounded AMAZING on Sunday. Joelle on the cello is nothing short of heavenly, Devin is meant to be a worship leader, and Chris on those drums makes me want to be a drummer. I loved seeing them all up there, just using the gifts God's given them. They looked like a traveling family band. Chris in the middle is wanting some attention and Dan is the troublemaker in the back. I love you guys!

My people.

Poor Beth couldn't stop shivering in the creek. But it was all worth it! Praise God for new life! Congrats Beth! (I'm sitting in the back with the red crocs on)

And now for Kevin, Beth's husband. He "looked" not quite as cold, but I bet inside he was screaming from the cold water! Congrats Kevin! (That's Dustin in the background looking down and thinking, "Sucks to be you Bob!")

The divine moment.

my favorite place with my favorite person

2008-07-30T20:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so thankful Dustin was able to come with me this week as I travel for work. It has made all the difference having him to keep me company and pass the long hours in the car. We've had a great time each night eating good food and enjoying each other's company. I mean, you just can't go wrong when you're on the coast. What I love so much about the coast is:
1. Soft sand between my toes, reminding me to slow down and enjoy.
2. The evening sun glistening on the water.
3. Couples taking romantic strolls hand-in-hand. Birds and children playing in the water, laughing and chasing one another.
4. Good seafood and a great glass of wine after a relaxing day in the warm sun.
6. The sound of the ocean tide coming and going endlessly.
5. My hubby taking it all in with me.

I have often been referred to as a fish, especially when I was young and in the water all summer long. I just love water. Some of my favorite memories involve water- whether it be learning how to swim in my aunt Carol Ann's pool and spending summers at that pool with family, or family vacations to Florida where we splashed and played in the ocean. So many fond memories. The ocean makes me feel at peace and comforted in my soul. There's no faster way for me to relax than to sit looking out at the ocean. It's a place I hope to have in my life regularly and forever. The pacific coast has impressed me even more with it's rugged beaches lined with mountains of huge green trees. I wouldn't want to be any where else.

giving up my rights

2008-07-29T18:49:00.000-07:00

We’ve been reading through 1 Corinthians at church and have just recently talked about Paul’s example of giving up his rights for the sake of the gospel. I’m learning this in my own life.

I’ve been learning recently how the way I respond to situations truly affects those around me and the situation in general. I find when I confront someone in an angry, emotional-filled way, I rarely get a good response. They are defensive, uncooperative, and I just end up looking like a fool. I hate looking like a fool, I hate acting like a fool. However, if I confront someone in a gentle, heart-filled way I get a much better response. They are more apt to really hear me, to cooperate, and the outcome is positive. I see people all the time, and I have been one of them often, that think if they speak louder and cause a bigger scene then their point is made in a more dramatic way. I’ve learned…it’s not. Why do we do that? Why do we continue to use the same responses to situations hoping for a certain outcome, knowing all the while what the consequences will be- namely, us looking like a fool- but we forget those consequences. We think THIS time I will come out on top, I will be the winner of this situation, the battle is all mine.

I think there’s a difference between passion based on emotions vs. passion based on the heart. I think I have always thought that when you’re frustrated, you have to be angry to be honest. And that’s just not the case. Being honest is what’s important and so is the way in which you deliver that honesty. I want to be someone who is gentle, kind, loving, passionate, and truthful in all situations, but that doesn’t mean in order to be that way that I am expressing my emotions, but rather that I am expressing my heart. When I think about emotions, I think of extremes. When I think about the heart, I think of humility.

This happens all the time in marriages, at work, with friends and family. How do we speak honestly in every situation? What does it mean to even give up our rights in order for the truth to be known? How can I help everyone to leave a tense situation feeling good? How can I care about the way situations affect other people and not just myself?

I dealt with this very thing last month at work. I was in a debate with another department about an invoice we were to pay them. There were 3 or 4 different things on the invoice that bothered me, but one major one in particular. Someone else working on it with me was extremely aggravated and very huffy-puffy about the whole thing, mumbling under the breath, bad-mouthing, etc. I realized instantly this aggression rising up in me. “Was I being taken advantage of because I am new to the position? Did they think they could pull one over on me without me knowing? I must put my foot down, this is an injustice! How dare they do this to me! I will take a stand for all departments worldwide with inaccurate invoices! I will prevail!” This is how I felt at the beginning of the week. I emailed with the person in charge of this other department, we sent some explanations/frustrations back and forth. My Monday emails stated I wouldn’t pay the invoice. My Tuesday emails asked for an explanation. All the time wanting to go off about this department, wanting to take it the higher-ups, wanting to protect my rights. By the time Wednesday came my emails simply stated I would pay the invoice based on a compromise and appreciated her willingness to talk about how we could change things for next year. On Thursday the invoice was paid, all was well. And on Friday I went to work feeling so thankful that I hadn’t made a complete fool of myself my 4th week on the job. So thankful that I didn’t run my mouth like I normally do, so thankful I didn’t act like a fool, so thankful that God has done this in my life, knowing all the while it wasn’t me but him living in me.

How different I am. I have acted so different in similar situations, foolishly unfortunately. How can something seemingly so small in a person begin to completely change who they are? This seems like a simple lesson to learn, and yet I really feel like it’s changing the person I am. And I’m loving it.

My Cup Runs Over

2008-07-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

I was overcome on Sunday by the goodness of God. I sat back, listening to the worship band practicing and was overcome with emotions- overcome with thankfulness and humility, awe and praise for our amazing God. I just wanted to listen and worship and revel in God's glory forever.

My cup runs over
My cup runs over
Thanks be to God for
My cup runs over

I don't know why
and I don't know how
God you've brought me to a place
where I see my life abounds

It's not what I deserve
and it's not what I have earned
In spite of myself, my mistakes, the ups and downs
My eyes are open and I've learned

Out of the deep, the very depths of me
I feel filled and full and always being filled
I don't understand why you'll never stop
How you can always give and give without wanting to stop

I look around at my life and can hardly believe it's mine
The blessings, the goodness, the joy and the pain
All real, all from you, all mine

I wouldn't give any of it back
I wouldn't change it if i could
Because I know it's all from you

Thank you for this cup, my life, my soul
Thank you that it's filled and full and always being filled

My cup runs over
My cup runs over
Praise be to God for
My cup runs over

It's required

2008-07-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

i am a cut the corners kind of girl. i always try to find the easy way out of something and then go that route. i was a good student in school. i enjoy school and learning, but i cut corners any way i could. my husband, on the other hand, is not a cut the corners kind of guy. he's more of a....long road in the right direction kind of guy. it cracks me up every time i see him reading a book for school that is on the RECOMMENDED reading list, not even REQUIRED!!! this happened again today and i was busting up b/c he's just so honest and sincere in his desire to learn. the conversation went something like this

dustin: so today in class we're reading the exact same article he had us read for homework last night.
kelli: you're just reading an article in class?
dustin: yeah, just reading it. it's pointless to read them at night since we're reading them in class.
kelli: so does that mean you're not going to read tonight?
dustin: oh no, i'll still read.
kelli: hahahahaha, but if it's pointless, then why?
dustin: b/c it's required
kelli: even though it's pointless, you're still going to read b/c it's required?
dustin: yeah, it's required, i have to.

my A+ student.

Get out of my head!!!

2008-07-01T14:37:00.000-07:00

I hate when I get songs stuck in my head. Well, I don't always hate it, only when they are really bad or really dumb songs. Like the one that's stuck in there right now. "I kissed a girl a i liked it" Yes, that song is now playing regularly on the radio. Very disturbing. Even more disturbing is it has a catchy tune and now it's in my head. So dumb, get out dumb song, GET OUT!!!

I can't believe this is the song that every junior high girl will be singing all summer long. Get out of all our heads, dumb song, get out!!!

Catching up

2008-06-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

Not believing- that it's already the end of June. Where does time go? I know not. I feel overwhelmed that the weeks fly by and I don't get things done or do things that I want to do, such as blogging more, emailing friends and family more, calling friends and family, working out more, etc. Time, I shake my fist at you!!

Cooling down- after picking strawberries this morning at Kruger Farms. I must say I like Sauvie Island Farms better, but their strawberry fields were eaten by root weavel, so we've been forced to pick at Kruger. Kruger is more about the experience I think of being on a farm. And Sauvie is really just about picking. We felt like we got better strawberries from Sauvie as well. We miss you Sauvie!

Loving- the fresh produce markets. In my completely uninformed opinion, I think Portland has the best summer markets anywhere. I do like Kruger's market and always feel like I get so many vegetables for little money. Delicious, healthy, and cheap!!

Excited- about my new job. I had a couple of moments this past week where I was driving in my car and was overcome by thankfulness and amazement at my new job. I have one of those jobs that deserves a "that's a sweet gig!" response. I have said that to so many people and have waited for the day that I would have a sweet gig as well. The day has come and I'm lovin' it!

Weirded out- i had the exact same conversation with 2 of my friends this week. The both said to me at separate times, "I feel like I should be acting and feeling like more of an adult and I just don't." It was crazy because I have been having those same thoughts. It's weird to think that I'm going to be 30 next year and yet I still feel like a kid. Sometimes I feel like I "play" an adult that knows what they're doing at work, and then I come home and can be my kid-self with Dustin. It's bizarre. And I wonder if everyone goes through that feeling at this age. When do you start to feel like an adult? I still feel like i'm 22 or 25, just trying to figure things out in this crazy mixed up world.

Reading- I just finished The Shack by William Young. I had no idea it was on the New York Times Bestseller list. Dustin just told me about it, I thought it sounded cool, so I read it. Wow! I now know why it's on the bestseller list and why there's so much controversy surrounding it. It's set in the Portland, Oregon area, so that made me love it even more. All I can say is you don't have to believe the story to be true and real and still love it. I love it for making me think more about my relationship with God and God's character in my life and in the world. I think it's a must read for everyone, no matter your beliefs and I highly recommend it.

Reading #2- I started reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" because Dustin and I want to have a baby next year. I'm learning a lot and so glad that other friends are also reading it at the same time. I'm excited to be pregnant with a group of women that I love dearly and so thankful we can share this experience together, especially because so many of us are far away from family and friends. Thank you God for orchestrating this for us.

Preparing- for lots of travel at the end of July- August. I'll be taking week long trips for 4 weeks in a row which will be quite an adjustment to our schedule. Super excited about Dustin coming with me to southern Oregon coastal area. I feel like we need some time away just the two of us and this will be the perfect opportunity for very little money, always a great thing!

Great memories

2008-06-22T21:46:00.001-07:00

A few pictures of my trip to Illinois.

This is Savannah and Gabi swimming at my Aunt and Uncle's pool. They are sporting the fake vampire teeth which they won with tickets from video games. Very scary!

Gabi giving me lovins at the pool. And saying goodbye to Savannah at church. I hate that part every time.

Watching TV with Gabi. She likes to dance when music is on, so cute! And me, my mom, and grandma. Love those ladies!!

New job and new travels

2008-06-15T13:49:00.000-07:00

So I started my new job with The Salvation Army this past Monday at the Divisional Headquarters in Portland. My official title is Service Extension and Emergency Disaster Director (two jobs in one = standard non-profit policy). Here's a summary of what I do:

1. Service Extension Director - Service Extensions basically give assistance through vouchers in smaller communities and are administered by volunteers. So, my job is to raise money throughout Oregon to give to those in need, visit our volunteers in these communities, make sure they are following Salvation Army policies when writing vouchers, build relationships with them to make sure they feel equiped to perform their job, and network with other organizations who also provide services to make sure we're not duplicating services and really are serving a need. I oversee 120 of these extensions and have 3 staff that help to monitor them. I will be traveling quite a bit to visit these extensions all over Oregon and a few in southern Idaho.
2. Emergency Disaster Director - I'm responsible for making sure our division which includes all of Oregon and Southern Idaho is prepared to respond in the event of a disaster. This includes ensuring Salvation Army officers, staff, and volunteers are trained to handle all different types of disasters, creating policies for communication in the midst of disasters, and building relationships with other emergency management organizations such as the local cities, Red Cross, etc. So for anyone that lives in Oregon and wants to respond with The Salvation Army during a disaster, let me know and we'll get you trained!

This job is pretty overwhelming. I don't have any disaster experience to speak of, so I'll be traveling a lot this next year in order to get trained and become a trainer myself. They might even send me to a real life disaster!!

I'm loving the change so far. I love that my commute is only 15 minutes. I love that we're in a new building. I even don't mind my cubicle. I love that I get to travel all over Oregon and discover its amazing beauty over and over again. I love the flexibility and responsibility I have with this job. I love that my assistant is so encouraging and empowering. In fact, I have been warmly welcomed and enthusiastly accepted into my new position. In spite of my lack of experience in this specific area, the higher ups seem to be confident in me for which I'm incredibly grateful. Thank you God for answered prayer.

The added bonus is that Dustin gets to travel with me this summer while he isn't in class regularly. While I'm working he'll be preparing sermons, doing homework, reading etc. At night we can venture out to new places and discover Oregon together. This is probably the last summer that we won't be pregnant/ have a kid, so we're excited to "live it up" so to speak!

I will try to post about our adventures, but we all know what an inconsistent poster I am.

Why I love coming home to Illinois

2008-06-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

1. Illinois summers (in June when humidity is low!) They are random and intense and refreshing. One day it's 90 degrees with blue skies and a scorching sun and the next day it's overcast and rainy with high winds and deep blue/gray skies. My parent's house has trees all around it and when it downpours it sounds like the rainforest. So cool.

2. Swimming. I was at my aunt and uncle's pool today sunbathing and swimming. As I watched my cousins play and splash, I just felt so...at home. Listening to the birds chirping, the lawnmower running in the distance- Feeling the sun shining and a strong breeze- Seeing perfect colors of blues and greens and smiles...absolutely superb. That is what I have grown up with, that is what I think of when I hear summer break, that is what I want my kids to experience, and that is what I want to come home to every summer for the rest of my life.

3. Marshall First Christian Church. I consider my home church part of my heritage. FCC isn't a perfect church, but it's healthy and growing and full of people that just want to be more like Jesus. I love coming back. I always feel welcomed and supported and priviledged to come from such great stock. The people have made such an impact on my life. I love that I can come back to people who have seen God working in my life, people who have prayed for me for so many years, who stuck by me during my rebellious high school years, and people that remind me of what family truly is.

4. My family. I only get to be in Marshall with my family 2 weeks out of the year. That sucks. So when I'm here, I just want to be with them every moment of every day. It's not that I don't want to be with friends or go somewhere else, I just don't want to leave my family. My nieces are the best girls ever. I have so much fun with them. They are beautiful and sweet and smart and funny. I feel so blessed to be their aunt. I look forward to seeing them grow up and being a part of their lives. I look forward to my kids playing with them and probably being bossed around by them!

5. Sitting on grandma's front porch. My grandma lives right in the center of town. She has a great old porch swing that I have been swinging on since I was able to walk. I love sitting on her porch, chatting with family, waving at anyone and everyone that walks or drives by, and just relaxing.

6. Life's slow pace. Life is slower in small towns. It's not less busy, it's just...calmer, maybe. I don't know the word, it's different. I think small towns allow people to be slower. There's less people, less travel for what you need, more acquaintenances and opportunities for "pop-ins". Pop-ins are very popular in small towns, I love it, and I am incredibly bad at it. I am use to the call ahead. I call ahead to make sure friends are home, that it's ok to stop by, that I have a reason to come over. But in small towns, those rules don't apply. You are allowed and encouraged to pop in just because. And it's expected. People get offended if you don't pop in. I'm working on my pop in.

Just a few more days and my relaxing vacation will be over. I'm praying for a sunny day tomorrow so I can get some more pool time. If not, that's ok, I know of a nice porch swing to pass the time.

This one's for you

2008-05-29T23:37:00.001-07:00

Lindsay Jordan, this blog post is for you. I know it's been quite some time since my last post. I keep thinking of things I'd like to post about but haven't taken the time to sit down and do them. But I will soon, very soon.

I love you girl.

Fun in the Sun

2008-04-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'M GOING TO FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks to my awesome parents, I will be joining them for a week of sand, sun, and seafood at Daytona Beach, Florida. The added bonus is that I get to see my best friend Jaime and meet her boyfriend Phil. YEAH!!!!! I'm am so excited, I'm giddy!

The only downfall is that I will be away from Dustin for 2 weeks. Yuck. But if you know me at all you know that Kelli with a tan is a happier, healthier Kelli. =)

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-04-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

As of today, I've been alive for 29 years. Twenty...nine....2....9.... I don't feel any different really. I do feel myself getting a little older- physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I look back on 5 years ago and see growth, which is always an exciting thing. I hope this is how I feel with each new birthday, a feeling of growth, a thankfulness for change within myself, gratefulness for all of God's blessings over the years, and a hopefulness that life will just keep getting better and growth will continue with each new day.

Over coffee this morning, Dustin and I reflected on the big 3-0 which is right around the corner. We both feel like we're going to embrace our thirties, knowing that new adventures await us- having kids, possibly buying a home, paying off debt, being in ministry full time and living life with amazing friends and family. I never though I'd be 30 before I had my first child. I don't know yet how to feel about that, if I should in fact feel anything at all, but I wouldn't change how my life has played out for anything in the world.

We also talked about what our life would be like if we had started dating in college. We probably would have lived in married student housing (oh no!!), I would have moved to NYC with him (Yeah!!), I might not have got an MBA (booh!), I have no idea what kind of job I would have worked, maybe Starbucks (cool!) maybe Administrative Assistant for the church (uh...). We both would have missed out on amazing friendships and experiences. Our time living alone has prepared us so well for marriage. We have an appreciation for one another that would not have been there otherwise. So, I am reminded, once again, that God's plans are divine and mine are not. I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason.

I'm thankful that on my 29th birthday I'm living in Portland, I'm working for The Salvation Army, we are a part of Evergreen, I have great friends in Portland and around the world, my family is faithful through the long distance, and I am married to the most amazing man on earth. I can say with full confidence that life truly is so good.

Not just a lot of talk

2008-04-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

1 Corinthians 4:20

“For the Kingdom of God I not just a lot of words; it is living by God’s power.”

I read the Golden Compass series a few months ago. It’s written by an atheist so I know some Christians have issues with reading it. It was an entertaining story and it definitely didn’t persuade me to think that God doesn’t exist. In fact, it had the opposite affect. It reminded me of how powerful God really is. In the story, humans are attempting and eventually succeed at dethroning and killing God. God is portrayed as a old, decrepit, dying man that relies on angels to help him get around. He eventually dies of old age. It was humorous to me as I read the story about how God was portrayed, it was just so….wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. By very definition, it was wrong. It would be like describing a dog by the way they chirp and fly around. That’s just wrong. That’s not the definition of a dog at all. That is something completely different (namely, a bird).

That’s how God was portrayed, by using the complete opposite definition. God by very definition can’t be thwarted by human kind. That’s why he is a god, because he is greater than humans. It was ridiculous and foolish to read about a mere man with armies of other mere men, with animals, and technology and whatever else battling to take down God. The true God, the God that I have grown up knowing and loving and trusting, could destroy them all with a blink of his eye. But the God I know wouldn’t. Instead of showing his power through brute force, he chose to show it through humility and submission. Instead of commanding from high above, he chose to come down, to squat down next to us at our level and talk with us.

God’s power is so much more than these simple words and yet I see it in simple ways all the time. God’s power is seen in the miracle of a baby being born, in the seasons changing, in the tides of the ocean, in the healing of destructive behavior, in the forgiveness of his people, in the unconditional love of the absolutely unlovable, namely us…me.

God’s power is someone like me serving him, believing in him, living in that power, all the days of my life, never giving up on it, never swaying from it, but relying on it more and more every day. I see living in God’s power in my grandmother. She began following Jesus in her early thirties. She’s turning 80 this year. 50 years!! 50 years of believing that the God who has given and taken away is alive and real and loving and powerful, that a relationship with him is worthy of 50 years. I am amazed by her faithfulness, by her honest love of Jesus and his people, and by her heartfelt desire to continue to live in God’s power every moment of every day.

I want so much to live in God’s power everyday, but I don’t know exactly how to do that. I’m still learning what that looks like day in and day out for the rest of my life. I don’t want my faith to just be words, I want it to be lived out in God’s power through me. I’m thankful to my grandma for showing me what that looks like for the last almost 29 years of my life. I look forward to my 50 years of faithfulness.

Check out our new apartment!

2008-03-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

You can go to this link to see a short video of our new place. Click on "Download link" at the bottom of the page. Enjoy!!

No Country for Old Men = New Country for Psychos

2008-03-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

Dustin and I watched this movie on Friday night. I'm still a little baffled by it. I went into it with a lot of expectations because Dustin LOVED it and it won awards and all that hype. These were my thoughts (WARNING!! Don't read any further if you haven't seen the movie and don't want it ruined for you):
1. I hate when the bad guys don't get caught at the end of movies. I know that real life doesn't have happy endings, I know that the reality of our world today is that psycho people are walking around with free reign, I know all of that stuff. But I'm a "romantic" (is that the word for wanting mass murders caught?) and I want to see good prevail over evil. Because I also know that is the ultimate reality.
2. The majority of the movie was about the bad guy and the guy with his money. A small portion was about the sheriff and yet the movie ended with no resolution with the bad guy and a "profound" dream of the sheriff. I felt like if they wanted the movie to be about the sheriff they should have focused more on his character instead of the psycho.
3. Dustin says the point of the movie was about the sheriff coming to terms with his own mortality. I can see that, but surely that wasn't the WHOLE point of the movie, especially when 80% of the movie is about something different, namely the psychotic antics of the mass murderer.
4. I was so mad when the sheriff pulled up to find the guy that stole the money was dead. Talk about a let down. The whole movie you're rooting for him to live and then the next scene he's dead. Dumb.
5. I guess I just felt a little...unsettled. I mean, obviously, right? The movie is about a psychotic murderer, I hope I wouldn't feel really good at the end of it. I guess I wanted some kind of redemption in the end, and I just didn't feel it. The sheriff's dream was cool and all, but I didn't feel like there was enough story about the sheriff throughout the whole movie to make me bond with him.
6. It was incredibly suspenseful so that was entertaining. And the bad guy was the ultimate in creepy bad guy. It was pretty funny in parts too which was unexpected, comic relief was definitely needed in parts.

Overall I liked the movie alright, but I didn't love it. I definitely don't want to watch it again, too much killing.

On a lighter note, we watched "Dan in Real Life" afterwards. It was a cute chick flick. Dustin fell asleep half way into it, go figure.

New apartment

2008-03-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

I hope to post pics of our new place this weekend once we're settled in. We moved last Friday with the help of three friends. Thanks to Andy, Chris, and Karli for pitching in. They arrived at 9:30am and we were completely finished - U-Haul loaded and unloaded, old apartment cleaned- by 11:30am. Not too shabby! Moving is probably the only thing I can say I'm an expert in. I don't mess around.

However, when Dustin and Chris were returning the U-Haul it broke down at the gas station just a few blocks from the U-haul office, they had to wait for over an hour for the repairman to come those few blocks, he couldn't fix it so they had to walk the few blocks in the hail. I expected them to return pretty peeved, but they weren't. Apparently they enjoyed each other's company. Who would have thought? Way to go guys!

Karli and I spent 7 hours at IKEA on Saturday. I can confidently say that was the most intense shopping experience I've had in many, many years. Had my feet not been killing me from shoes that were not meant to shop 7 hours in, I would have stayed longer! I had such a great time. IKEA and Karli, two of my favorite things!

The Good Friday service went well on Friday night. Scott and Glad read my writing and did an amazing job. It happened exactly as I pictured it in my head. Thanks guys for sharing your thespian sides. Easter Sunday was very dreary outside, kind of weird. We had a good time at church and at our home group cook out. Good food, great friends, Jesus conquering death...who could ask for more?

We really like our new apartment. Some highlights and lowlights:
- we have a dishwasher!!
- the washer/ dryer combo is more of a washer combo. the repairman is coming tomorrow to fix that.
- Dustin keeps saying to me, "It's weird not knowing what you're doing at all times. Now that there are walls, I can't just look up and know." and "It's so fun to have different rooms!"
- one of the two electrical outlets in our kitchen doesn't work.
- we have the largest bathroom cabinet i've ever seen. it's so large we're storing Chris and Karli's 2 room tent on the top shelf!
- i tried to take a bath on Friday afternoon and the water was lukewarm when i went to get in. i'm hoping it was a fluke thing.
- we still don't have a key to our storage unit.
- no more stealing free internet from our neighbors. we might have to break down and buy our own. suckfest! it's hard not having internet at home. i've felt lost the last few evenings.
- i called the apartment manager on Saturday and instead of calling her Linda, which is her name, i called her Apartment! Yup, I actually said, "Hi Apartment". So embarrassing! Dustin is still laughing about that.
- the new place only adds 10 minutes to my travel time, very thankful for that.
- it takes Dustin 3 minutes to get to school.
- we have a Thai/ Vietnamese Restaurant right across the street from our complex. i hope it's good food b/c i plan on take out once a week.
- we have a grocery store 1 block away from us, but it's a QFC which tends to be expensive, bummer.
- right next to the QFC is a Blockbuster. yes!
- our apartment complex reminds Karli of the beach. i love the beach.

With all of the ups and downs that our new place has brought, Dustin and I are super psyched to be in a one bedroom apartment. And it's cheaper than our studio! Crazy!