I loved you Bear. You taught me a lot, such as how to pee on my shirt to keep myself cool, how to determine when the sun will set with my fingers, how squeezing the juice out of elephant dung will keep me hydrated, and last but definitely not least, how to escape quick sand. But, it's just not the same anymore Bear, I don't think it will ever be the same again. Why Bear!? Why? Why did you have to trick us? I believed you, I believed you were really in need of survival in the rough, hot, dangerous wilderness. But you weren't, were you? No! You were sleeping in hotels and following the pre-planned, pre-determined, pre-set, pre-safe path the camera man led you down.

I'm sorry, but I just can't watch you anymore. It's just not the same. The love I once had for you has been tainted by your tricks and lies. I can never trust you again, can I?

I hope you understand. I hope you know that I loved you more than I could ever love Survivorman, but now, all I'm left with is Survivorman. How could you do this to me? How could you leave me with..with..HIM?

I hope you learned a lesson Bear. I don't know yet what it is...but I hope you do know and I hope you learned it.

I have been slowly working my way through Thomas Merton's "Seeds of Contemplation". It's one of Dustin's favorite books so I wanted to read it, however, it takes awhile because it's filled with so many nuggets of wise goodness that I can only read one chapter at a time. I often find myself thinking about that chapter all week long before moving onto the next.

One such nugget:
"Although God lives in the souls of men who are unconscious of Him, how can I say that I have found Him and found myself in Him if I never know Him or think of Him, never take any interest in Him or seek Him or desire His presence in my soul? What good does it do to say a few formal prayers to Him and then turn away and give all my mind and all my will to created things, desiring only ends that fall short of Him? Even though my soul may be justified, yet if my mind does not belong to Him then I do not belong to Him either. If my love does not reach out toward Him but scatters itself in His creation, it is because I have reduced His life in me to the level of a formality, forbidding it to move me with a truly vital influence."

I find myself at times relying on my faith of the past, on times where I had vibrant faith, humble tears, and an awestruckness for God. Lately, I feel like I haven't been taking the time to dedicate my mind to God, to actively pursue my Lord like I know I should. I find myself filling my mind, heart, and ultimately soul with creation instead of the Creator. Specifically, stupid TV has caught my interest and I feel sucked in. I appreciate Merton's words and for his ability to express my heart in a way that I never could.

We hiked up to Lost Lake Butte on Saturday and had a great time. You can read about it on Dustin's blog. I'll simply share some pics and just reconfirm that it is one of the most beautiful places ever. Lost Lake reminds me of one of the little coves off of Lake Tahoe- absolutely breathtaking, peaceful and calling my name.

- Dustin and I had a great time camping this past weekend. (Unfortunately, I forgot our camera, so no pics yet.) You can read Dustin's review here. It was a great first camping experience. We owe Ryan and Rachel so many thanks because they totally hooked us up with everything we would ever need. We shared "the Hilton tent" with Devin and Larissa, who proved to be great roomies. On our second night, we welcomed Rascal, a friend's dog, into our tent, I miss having a dog around and loved being able to pet and snuggle with her. It truly was such a relaxing time, I am ready to go again.

- Upon driving back into the city after camping, I was so tired and yet so full of thankfulness. I felt a well of gratefulness and love overflowing inside me. It was such a weird feeling. I looked out the window at the beautiful sky and simple, yet magnificent landscape and felt so at peace and happy, filled with joy even. I felt like I could have driven, looking at the bright blue sky forever. God truly has been so good to me, it's overwhelming at times.

- We leave for Illinois in the morning. Dustin is performing his cousin's wedding on Saturday. We're super psyched to see family and stay in a hotel. I plan to use the fitness center, swim, shop, eat, laugh, watch TV, read, celebrate, dance, and sleep. Good times!!

- I am reading Ann Rand's "Atlas Shrugged", only about 400 pages left (of an over 1200 page book). This book has caused so many thoughts, emotions, opinions, frustrations, and ponderings in the last few weeks, it's driving me crazy!! I won't even begin to go into all of it, I'll just say that it's definitely an interesting and worthy read. Chris says it's his favorite book of all time. I say he hasn't read "Brothers K" yet.

- The holiday season is fast approaching and I, unfortunately, am dreading it. We have been preparing for Christmas since January, but I still feel like it's coming too soon and there's so much more to do. I am trying hard to change my attitude because I do want to be excited about it and have fun. My boss made a joking comment about my negative attitude, but I don't think it was really a joke, which means my inner frustrations are seeping out whether I want them to or not- not a good place to be. I hope this year will be better than the last, meaning I hope to not have doctor's orders for bed rest at the end of it. We'll see how it goes. Please pray!

This morning Dustin and I set off for a hiking adventure at Triple Falls. We hiked for about 3 hours and had a great, yet sweaty, time. Dustin and I both have the hiking bug, so hopefully we'll be doing a lot more of it before the rainy season begins. My favorite part of Triple Falls was being able to walk out on top of the falls with the water all around us. We had lunch on a big log and successfully didn't slip and fall on the slippery rocks. I think I could have stayed on that log forever. We took a different path back down and hiked by another waterfall that we could walk behind in a cave. My least favorite part of the hike was seeing two people "meditating" and worshiping this waterfall. It was so out of place with all of the tourists walking around. And I just don't get it. I fully recognize the beauty and power that these waterfalls behold, but do they have a mind to think and learn or a heart to love? No. So what's the deal?


Anyway, the whole hike was absolutely gorgeous and I would definitely go back again.

Right now, I just want to lay on my couch for the rest of they day. But Trader Joe's and a dirty bathroom are calling, so I leave you with these.

My friend Jamie was the photographer at my wedding which is why I have amazing wedding pictures that truly capture the moment. She and Katie have begun a photography company so check out the website. They have used some of our wedding pics as example so those are fun to see too. Hire them for whatever your photography needs are!! They take the best pictures ever. Good luck ladies!!

I finished this book this past weekend and wow, so amazing. I've been wanting to see the movie, but am glad I read the book first. First of all, I love books and movies and all stories that are of actual events, and this one was, as expected, incredibly intriguing, heart wrenching, frustrating, and yet hopeful. If you don't know what happens in this story, please stop reading NOW. The story is about Mariane and Danny who are both journalists covering the culture in Pakistan after the Sept. 11th attacks. Danny is kidnapped and murdered by terriorists and this is Mariane's account of her journey on this extremely painful path. This book was moving for a variety of reasons, such as:

1. the love story. Mariane and Danny were so much in love and anyone who knows me knows that I am sucker for a great love story. I have always loved seeing people in love and hearing Mariane describe her love for Danny was...delightful. With so much divorce and adultery happening in this world, I often wonder how any couple can maintain that sacred bond, but I truly believe these two people had it. I often wonder how I would respond if something as terrible as this happened in my own life. Would I have the strength to carry on? Could I find hope again? It was inspiring to read Mariane's words and be reminded of the power of love even in the face of death.

2. the intricate details and conspiracies of the kidnapping. Mariane leaves no leaf unturned and does not hesitate to tell the truth, no matter who she might offend or accuse. I appreciated knowing everyone that was involved with Danny's kidnapping and murder, especially the part our government did/ did not play depending upon your interpretation.

3. the shallowness of the media is disgusting. I see more and more how the media actually contributes to the evils of the world. Because of their disdain for any kind of discretion or modesty, they slather the news with gruesome details that are not only inappropriate but painful. I saw this during the coverage of the Virginia Tech murders. Why did the whole world need to see the video of the murderer? What an awful image to have in my mind. I feel for Mariane and am appalled at the unprofessionalism the media showed towards her husband's murder.

I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone. I believe it paints a truthful picture of the reality of our world today, from the love story to the power of friendship that yields so much hope to the responsibility our governments have to protect its citizens no matter what the cost.

Thank you Mariane for sharing such intimate and precious details of your life with us. Now that my eyes are opened, may I respond as you have, with courage, strength and love.

There are times that feel like we have been married forever and others where I am still stunned that Kelli Lashbrook and Dustin Bagby got married. Time is such a funny thing. Highlights from year two include:
- moving to Portland and spending time in Illinois on our way out
- the Evergreen Community
- visitors including my parents, Dustin's mom, and Abbie
- hikes including Bagby Hot Springs (I am still a bit tainted!) and Angel's Rest, Multnomah Falls
- a few trips to the Oregon Coast
- great beer and wine
- meeting new friends and having old ones to miss
- our basement apartment where we could lay in bed and watch movies
- our upper garage apartment with a big, beautiful window
- every day that I get to spend with Dustin. Sounds mushy, but I honestly can't imagine one day without him. He's my partner in this adventure called life and I want and need him. It's scary at times to think of how much our lives are meshing together year after year. It gets harder to give him over to God, trusting God to care for him, knowing that life is precious and nothing is guaranteed. (I don't mean to sound morbid or anything.) But even more, it's exciting to know that I have someone to experience everything with. My life is more fun, challenged, fulfilled, and directed having Dustin in it every moment of every day. Thank you God for giving him to me. I promise to care for him as a gift from you and enjoy your gift to the fullest!!!

A friend, Kimberly, gave me "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris for my birthday and I read it this summer. I don't think I've ever highlighted, underlined, starred, etc. a book more than I have this one. Norris is a writer who decided to join the Benedictine Order in order to learn how to worship God through their every day rituals and life. Dustin and I have talked many times about visiting a monastery in order to do the same thing. Joining an Order is a huge commitment that we are definitely not ready to make yet, but experiencing, if only for a weekend, their pattern of worship would be inspiring, humbling, and extremely refreshing. There are SO MANY amazing nuggets of wisdom, not only from Norris but quoted from others as well. One quote by St. Therese has been resonating with me A LOT this last month. She says, “I have come to realize, that the radiance of the rose and the whiteness of the lily do not take way the fragrance of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy…perfection consists in being what God wants us to be.”

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the future of my career, future ministries, future family, future everything. I have been reminded time and again that my path is with God and my desire is to be who He wants and created me to be. However, it's hard. There are times when I feel my mind drifting away to my own desires and ambitions, I find myself making plans and dreaming dreams without asking if those plans and dreams are God's. Sometimes I just assume that He's with me, without putting in the time with Him to really confirm that. No matter how perfect I strive to be, it's worthless without the perfection of Christ as my hope.

This self is a mystery. Thomas Merton says in Seeds of Contemplation, "In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die." It's based on what Jesus said, "To save your life you must lose it..." What does that mean in my life today and tomorrow and the next? How do I lose my life every day? I know that it starts on my knees. It starts in God's word, understanding Him in all of His mystery in order to understand the mystery of myself. The more I know my Lord the more I will know myself and understand His plans for my life and how to follow Him more closely and obediently.

My prayer is that this is my priority every day- to know my Father and to walk with Him. He is my peace, comfort, love, strength, wisdom, laughter, and sigh of relief. I breathe easier walking with Him and I am in need of a fresh breathe.

I'm not for sure why it's so fun to see yourself as a cartoon character, but it just is.

YOU ARE A LEADER

Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.

You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.

Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture.

You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.

Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.

Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.

The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.

Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.

You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.

You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well.
If you want to be different:

There's more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things.
how you relate to others

YOU ARE BENEVOLENT

You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT

You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself.

Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment.

You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice.

You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met.

Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others.

Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes.

Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people.
If you want to be different:

You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself!

Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant.

I don't know if this is more a reflection of who I am or who I want to be. I definitely want to be a Benevolent Leader, but don't know that I'm there yet. I love these kinds of tests because they always make you feel good about yourself. I recommend everyone taking the test.

I am just now becoming informed about the situation in Darfur. I have allowed the stories of the atrocities to simply go in one ear and out the other. A situation like this is hard to believe because it seems that our world should be so much more advanced than this. I can't believe genocide is still allowed to go on in this day and age. When I think about the Holocaust, I think, "Surely, something like that could NEVER happen ever again. Surely, no one would be that stupid to think they could wipe out a people group, or that they have a right to wipe out a people group." And yet it is happening. Every article I have read has talked about rape and sexual assault of young girls and women. This truly is pure evil and I ask you and myself to pray, to act, and to remember. Throughout history I see certain people groups being persecuted over and over again, such as the Jews and the Africans. Why can't they be left alone to live their lives in secure and peaceful homes? I urge you to educate yourself about the situation in Darfur by visiting these websites, www.savedarfur.org, www.freewebs.com/savesudan, and www.darfurgenocide.org. Sign the petitions, create the videos, send out emails, do whatever you can to let our government know that action needs to be taken NOW. Action needed to be taken years ago. I fear our government is so wrapped up in Iraq that true injustices are being overlooked. I fear this will become another Holocaust before our government and citizens wake up and act. Let's not let that happen.

"But to deviate from the truth for the sake of some prospect of hope of our own can never be wise, however slight that deviation may be. It is not our judgment of the situation which can show us what is wise, but only the truth of the Word of God. Here alone lies the promise of God's faithfulness and help. It will always be true that the wisest course for the disciple is always to abide solely by the Word of God in all simplicity." -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Bob posted this quote on his blog and it couldn't have been more timely for me. I pass most of my life using my "own" wisdom. I can't count the number of times that I have made decisions based on my own reasoning without consulting the Word of God. I believe God gave us each experiences and knowledge and reasoning to be used in making decisions and in living our lives in a way that serves Him. But more importantly, He gave us His Word to be consulted daily so that our reasoning becomes His reasoning, our widome His. I have been struggling with dedicating time to God's Word. It's hard living in a studio apartment to be quiet before God. It's hard for me to have alone time with just me and God, time that I can fully focus on Him without distraction and time to be fully vulnerable with Him. I don't know how moms and dads find quiet time either. I ask for God's help to teach me how to find the time and space for Him now, to teach me the skills that I can use when kids are running around and I'm pulled in even more directions. How do women with multiple kids have a relationship with God? How do women who are working full time and mothering full time find the time and space? I commend all moms who find the time to love God and their families. I hope to follow in your shoes.

Thank you Uncle Rich and Aunt Pattie for your hospitality and young hearts. Check out our pictures from our Tahoe Trip here.

Dustin and I had a relaxing yet incredibly active vacation. You would never know that my Uncle Rich is retired, he's probably the most active and fit 60 year old I've ever met. We spent our time riding bikes, rafting the Truckee River, kayaking, boating, laying in the sun, and enjoying great food and good drinks on the back deck.

We definitely felt out of our comfort zone in a place that houses most people's second homes. It's hard to think about having a second home when we have yet to own a first home. The houses on the lake were absolutely amazing and we wondered what do all of these rich people do? It was nice to live in the land of luxury for a few days, but we were excited to get back to the real world and our new air conditioner! Home sweet home.

We hiked Angel's Rest on Saturday with Mike and Katie. It was pretty close to hell on Earth until we reached the top and, oh my, what a view! It was spectatcular! Well worth the the pain, that's for sure. It was a 2.3 mile hike up and was pretty steep most of the time. Our knees even hurting coming down because of how steep it was. I've now got the bug and want to hike every week. Dustin, on the other hand, hasn't yet been inspired, maybe one day.


Don't mind my red face and sweaty body. An apple has never tasted so good!!

We learned a few days ago that a friend of ours had unexpectedly passed away. You can read about Bill here.

I have been pondering for some time now how God views death and how we should view death here on Earth. When you hear news like this all else seems so insignificant. Whatever was on the calender before seems like a waste of time. The only thing that feels like it matters is mourning, remembering, and staring off into space lost in your thoughts about your loved one. I began wondering if in the light of death so much of what occupies our time doesn't matter, should it matter in the light of life? What IS significant in this life?

And then I began to think of Bill and other loved ones that have passed away. I began to remember all the things that I loved most about these people - their quirks and smiles, their thoughts and laughter, their heart towards this world and the next. And it hit me...that's what's significant in this life and the next. How we live our life matters. How we treat other people matters. How we love God and serve Him matters. Because those are the things that last, those are the things that are remembered. I don't remember Bill for the stuff that he had or the job that he worked, I remember him only.

In Psalm 116:15 it says, "The Lord cares deeply when his loved ones die." I don't know what "cares deeply" means yet, but I know that He cares. He cares about our life and our death. He remembers both our life and our death. Our life and death are significant because God controls them both and uses them both to communicate His love to His people.

So thank you God for caring about Bill's life and death. Thank you for using his life and death to remind us of your love. We look forward to seeing him again.

Just wanted to share an update on our month of no spending. It's been a good month, although a bit boring at times. For example, it's Saturday night at 8:45pm and i'm blogging, Dustin is walking around our studio apartment aimlessly...i think you get the point. I guess I would sum up the month in the following ways:

1. I absolutely would have regretted this month had we not made this decision. We easily could have wasted the extra money that we received through my extra paycheck. So, I know that I will feel good and not guilty at the end of the month regardless.

2. The Theology of Money class that Dustin and I took was extremely instrumental in helping us to make this month about changing our life choices and not just seeing if we could not spend for one month. I have a feeling that every month will be no spending month. =)

3. We have decided to follow Dave Ramsey's (www.daveramsey.com) Total Money Makeover as a way to pay off debt and get in a better financial situation. It's comforting to know that we have a proven plan to follow and i'm very excited to stay committed and see results.

4. Dustin and I have had to be more creative in how we spend our time. It definitely sucks not being able to do stuff sometimes with friends. But it's been fun having people over to our house and cooking for them. I miss entertaining and this gives us a good excuse. Even though we don't have much extra money, we have been inspired by another newlywed couple to make traditions for our family. For example, Frozen Fridays, our date night to eat frozen pizza and hang together.

5. The truth about money is becoming a passion of mine. It's crazy how our views of money have been predominantly determined by what society says, especially credit card companies and car loan businesses. It's crazy that our society teaches using debt in life rather than saving. It's disappointing that the church has, in my opinion, fallen short in this area. Most churches are so hesitant to talk about money for fear of turning people away. However, in the meantime they haven't educated people about what the Bible says and about how God views money. I think the church has done a great diservice to society in general and Christ followers in particular by not educating its people. I hope to be a part of changing that in the future as God changes my heart and continues to open my eyes.

I feel so blessed to have a husband that is on the same page as me. God has taught us so much in our almost 2 years of marriage and he continues to provide for us day by day. We pray that we will continue to be faithful and obedient.

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

Dustin and I decided a few months back that June would be our month of no spending for a few reasons:
1. I get three paychecks in June and will therefore have more money to either save or pay off debt.
2. We are trying to learn a new perspective on money. We are taking a Theology of Money class on June 8th and 9th at Western Seminary and are hoping the class will help us personally in how we spend money.
3. We want to honor God with our money and we don't always do that. We want to learn to view money as God's and not as ours and give more of it for His good work and not our own personal pleasure.
4. We REALLY need to pay off debt. It's almost embarrassing to say how much debt we have, so I won't.
5. We rely too heavily on going out for a few drinks or dinner or a movie for entertainment. We need to enjoy all of the free nature loving things Portland has to offer.
6. Did I mention we really need to pay off debt?

(I should probably qualify what "no spending" means. It means any spending outside of bills, groceries, and gas. And we are putting a limit on groceries, as we always do, so we don't spend erratically, such as buying lots and lots of beer, which I know my husband will be tempted to do!!)

Today is June 1st and therefore the beginning of our month of no spending. Already last night Dustin tried to break our rule!!! It's going to be an EXTREMELY difficult month, but we will persevere.

To all of our Portland friends, expect no spending activities when hanging out with us in the month of June. But we do want to hang out! Just in free ways. =)