I didn't post yesterday and don't have a good excuse except that I allowed housework to take priority over blogging. I need to not do that.

To ensure that I'm forgiven, here's who I spent my day with. Can he get any cuter, really?

It's pretty obvious in any family that moms and dads relate and parent their kids differently. I noticed this difference almost immediately after bringing Gram home from the hospital. Dustin does things differently than me, not better or worse, just different. He holds Gram differently, he comforts him differently, he plays with him differently. And I love it. I love to see Dustin with Gram. I love to see him hold him and play with him and talk to him and make him laugh. I love that no one..NO ONE... can make Gram smile and laugh like Dustin. It warms my heart every time. I love the bond that's already there between them and look forward to seeing it grow more every day. And I know that bond is there because of the time and attention that Dustin gives to Gram. Dustin and Gram have mornings together (so I can sleep in, yeah!), time that Dustin holds very dear, one on one time between a father and a son.

I started reading a book called "Fatherstyle" about the way fathers parent that is typically different than mothers but is very important to raising healthy children. Just because I'm Gram's mom, I don't claim to know all the answers or think my way is the right way to do things with him. I know I have limitations as his mom and I want to embrace the strengths that Dustin as his father brings. I hate the stereotypes that is often displayed on tv that mothers are nurturing and dads are clueless and emotionally distant. I haven't found this to be the case with Dustin and I don't expect that to change.

But it takes work. It takes work for me to not just take over when Dustin isn't doing what I would do, and for Dustin to not give up but try to figure things out with Gram. It takes effort on both our parts to learn from each other, to see the strengths that we both bring to parenting Gram, to appreciate the other parent and respect their differences.

I'm excited to read this book to learn about the strengths that fathers bring to parenting. I think it will help me to appreciate Dustin more as well and hopefully help me be a better mom...two things I can never have enough of.

Matthew 21:16b
"..'From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise?'"

The cooing of babies is absolutely infectious. It is one of my top 10 favorite sounds, the new little voices of babes. It's so sweet to see their eyes light up, their mouths open wide, and noise emmerge, a victory for them..one step closer to finding their words, the realization that they can speak, amazing! Gram loves to talk. He not only loves to talk to Dustin and I, but weirdly enough, he loves to talk to our living room curtains. I have yet to get this on video, but I will try the next time it happens. In fact, often at 4am when he can't get back to sleep it's because he's distracted by our living room curtains and the conversation he feels he needs to have with them right then and there. He also loves to talk to lights, any light will do, but especially our kitchen light and clocks. He's got a thing for numbers already, just like me!! Him talking to curtains and lights is a bit weird sometimes that we wonder if he's seeing something that we're not. If in his innocence he sees something in the spiritual realm that we can't. I wonder if God hears his coos and grunts and understands, if He's communicating back through lights and curtains. I wonder if Gram can see God in his surroundings more than we can because he doesn't have the distractions and worry and stress like we do. His attention can be so focused sometimes on something seemingly so simple, I wish I would slow down and take the time to do the same. To praise God for the sunshine and dirt, the wind and rain, the beauty of people and redemption he provides every day.

I'm so thankful we are part of a community with tons of babies because I get to hear all their voices, their coos of affection and excitement. Here's a pic of Everett Vaughn and Etta Leonardo, two of Gram's very best friends. Etta has already started to coo and it's such a sweet, sweet sound. From the lips of babes God will be praised!

Ecc 3:1&2
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:..a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

I didn't post yesterday because I was too busy planting and uprooting. We have done so much uprooting since we moved into our house. Lots and lots of cleaning out and tearing down, especially when it comes to our backyard. Friday and Saturday we prepared to plant by installing 3 garden boxes. They are beautiful..for so many reasons, not only will they provide food for our family virtually for free, they are a symbol of Dustin and I's hard work and ownership of our property. It's good to have land! And it's even better when you get to produce something with it, when it works for you. We are hoping these garden boxes do just that.

So, yesterday was not the time to sit down at my computer, rather it was a day of enjoying the sunshine, being productive and spending time with friends. My favorite kind of time.



Our garden boxes pre-dirt.


Dustin, Jim and Clay filling the boxes. It was quite a bit of dirt. After this they went to Jim and Clay's houses to fill their boxes as well. A long day of manual labor, way to go guys!

Proverbs 15: 20
"Sensible children bring joy to their father; foolish children despise their mother."

I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Gram when he's older. Right now he's completely dependent on me, I am the center of his world, and it feels nice. It feels so amazing to be so wrapped up in another human being. Even more, it melts my heart when he smiles at me, especially after nursing, as if to say, "thanks mom for that delicious meal!" As he grows he will go through stages of thinking I am the coolest person in the world to thinking I'm the lamest. There will come a day when he'll fall in love with a girl and get married and start a family of his own, when I won't be the center of his world any longer. I hope and pray that he'll still think highly of me, that he'll want me to be a part of his life, that he'll invite me into his world no matter what he's going through. But that's not guaranteed. We might drift apart, I might not agree with or understand the choices he's made for his life which would strain our relationship, he might not want me to be a part of his life at all.

I don't mean to be so doom and gloom, I've just been thinking. Thinking how he's going to hurt me, disrespect me, maybe even hate me at some point. I hope not, but it's likely. Parenting is hard. 5 months into this adventure and every day I realize more and more how emotionally hard parenting is. How part of me wants to put up walls and protect my heart and the other part wants to love Gram (and any future kids) with everything I've got. I'm realizing what I put my parents through during my teenage years, and I'm sorry, sorry I ever caused them pain because they didn't deserve it, wanting to appreciate them for all of the sacrifices they made for me and all the love they poured into me. I want to treat my parents as I pray Gram treats me, with love and respect.

One of the greatest feelings I've ever felt is when I've brought joy to my parents. And I hope Gram learns to feel that way about Dustin and I. I pray that he accepts our love and the joy we feel towards him for just being him - that he grows up knowing he is our greatest joy and appreciates that he has parents that feel that way about him.

Today is my mom's birthday! I'm not for sure if she would want me sharing her age, but I will. 55!! Crazy huh? She doesn't look a day over 40 in my mind. She's just as beautiful at 55 as at 30, still as vibrant and full of energy, still loving unconditionally everyone she meets, still one of my favorite people to be with.

I've learned so much from my mom over the years - how to laugh at myself, how to love others, how to faithfully follow Jesus through the ups and downs of life, and now how to be a good mom myself (more to say about that later). She is one of a kind and I couldn't have picked a better mom had I hand picked her.

I'm very thankful my mom gets to ring in her 55th year with me in Portland. I don't get to see her enough, especially on special occasions, so this is a treat. Happy Birthday Mom!!

Proverbs 15:15
"For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast."

Today I feasted. So much so that it's 9:22pm and I finally got a minute to sit down at the computer. A day full of Gram, friends, and sunshine. Life can't get any better than this.

And now I'm off to feast some more, my parents and aunt and uncle have just arrived from Hawaii on their way back to Illinois and we get 2 nights with them. So thankful!

Life is good, so very good.

Today I feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions, like every moment I should be doing about 3 things.

Lord give me strength and patience and joy in the midst of craziness.

1 Corinthians 12: 18
"But our bodies have many parts, and God has put each part just where he wants it."

Dustin and I moved to Portland 3 1/2 years ago for many reasons - so he could go to seminary, so we could live in a place that resonated with our interests, so we could be a part of a church that shared our philosophy of ministry. But the main reason is we felt God calling and we followed.

When we visited Portland for the first time, we immediately loved it. But what we loved most was Evergreen. Dustin's heart is church planting and through his experiences elsewhere he refined in his mind how he would plant a church if given the opportunity. Evergreen was almost exactly it. We were told if we wanted to be a part of leadership at Evergreen that we should move to Portland, attend Evergreen and see what happened, so that's what we did. And God, faithful as always, provided an opportunity for Dustin to join the leadership, start the first separate gathering, and provided a group of people that we call family.

It's been amazing to see over the last 3 1/2 years how God has brought each person to Evergreen for a reason, He has put all of us right where he wants us, atleast that's what I believe. I have said this before, but I feel very much like a mother hen when it comes to my Evergreen family. Every person that comes through the door I want to gather under my wing and make sure they are cared for. Dustin feels the same. He longs to see each person that comes through the door to know and be known by Jesus more and more, for their lives to be transformed by his message of hope and redemption.

But it's hard. It's hard to be a part of family. It's hard to not feel like a failure when things aren't going perfectly. It's hard to not take responsibility for others bad choices. Dustin carries that weight, as most pastors do. His heart hurts when people are hurting, his righteous anger flares at injustices, and his mind reels when things don't make sense. The life of a pastor. Trust in a God who's big enough to handle all of our imperfections and faith in a people who's hearts are searching for what is true and holy.

Whether we're pinky fingers or elbows, we wouldn't want to a part of any other body.

As a new mom, there is nothing that brings me more joy than Gram, really enjoying Gram - enjoying holding him and looking at him, playing with him and making him laugh.

But the next best thing is watching other people feel that same way about Gram. My eyes well up watching family and friends light up over him. I got to experience this today at church. Our friends Emily and Clay love Gram, and I love to watch them love Gram. They both get so excited to hold him and play with him. Looking across the room today at both of them holding Gram, so into him made my heart swell. All three of them had huge smiles on their faces which automatically brought one to mine.

I can't express my gratitude of knowing Gram is so loved, not only by Dustin and I, but my our family and friends as well. I love getting to share parenting with so many other amazing moms and dads. I love getting to be a part of their children's lives and know that Gram is so blessed by their involvement in his. Not everyone has multiple grandparents that care so much about them, but Gram does. He has aunts and uncles that delight in him just as much as the rest of us. What a lucky kid!

Oh, my cup runneth over, it runs and runs and runs!!

Proverbs 15:3
"The Lord is watching everywhere, keeping his eye on both the evil and the good."

I find myself saying to Gram a lot, "I see you!" I say it to convey comfort to him, to let him know I care about what he's doing, that I'm still close by, that I haven't left him. I say it to acknowledge whatever kind of cuteness he's bubbling over with at that moment, to say to him I love watching him learn and grow and do something new.

I'm sure there will come a time when "I see you!" will be in response to some kind of mischief that Gram is up to. But for now seeing Gram is so much fun, not only for me but for Gram too. It's incredible to see his face light up when our eyes meet. He's begun to smile and laugh at us while we're having conversations with other people, he's not even part of the conversation! But when we look over and see him smiling and laughing, he does it all the more. He loves to talk back to us in response to our talking to him. It's obvious in so many ways that Gram wants to be seen, longs for it actually. Such a critical part of a baby's development is being acknowledged and included in life around them. Everything in them cries out to be seen.

There are times that I, too, long to be seen - for my life to be acknowledged and affirmed, to get some encouragement and empowerment for whatever good I'm trying to do at the time. I expect and depend on God seeing me. My whole life depends on it actually. If God didn't see me, I would be in total darkness, doomed to destruction and pain forever. But God does see me. He seems me in the middle of the night when I'm awake with a hungry baby. He sees me early in the morning and late at night. He sees my coming and going. He sees me...

He sees me even when I don't see myself. There have been times in my life that I'm not particularly proud of. There are times even now (and I know in the future) when my behavior doesn't line up with my heart, or my heart doesn't line up with His, and I've forgotten myself. In those moments I kind of hope God doesn't see me. However, it's exactly because He does that I am not lost. He eyes bring me back every time, reminding me that I am not alone, that he's still close by. Being seen reminds me that I am cared about and loved, that God loves seeing me grow and learn and do good. That as Gram learns about the world around him, I learn about Gram and that same world, and together we are seen.

Proverbs 14:26
"Those who fear the Lord are secure; he will be a refuge for their children."

"Having a kid changes your life." Dustin and I realized this immediately. Driving Gram home from the hospital, everything looked different. Riding in a car was different, looking out the window at Walgreens and the trees was different, bringing him into our home was...amazing and different. Most profoundly, however, is my relationship with God is different. Worship means something different to me now that I have an heir, a tiny baby who is counting on me to teach him about the truths of this world and the next. Singing to the Lord, really listening to the words of grace and redemption that Christ offers to me is so much deeper knowing that He, in his unconditional love, has already extended that to Gram as well. I want the absolute best for Gram, I would give up anything good for myself for Gram to have everything good. God doesn't ask me to make that choice. He made that choice for me by sending his Son to us sinners, to love us, to forgive us, to redeem us. Gram and I need that.

It's a scary world out there and I can't imagine having brought Gram into it without the truth of God's love in my life. He makes life worth living for Gram. He will be Gram's rock, his refuge, his friend and savior. If I do nothing else right as a mom but teach Gram about his Father that loves him, I will consider this whole adventure a success.

Today I am grateful for Jesus in both Gram's and my life.

Matthew 6:34
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

I'm not a worrier typically. At times I think I'm a closet worrier actually, I tend to be stressed at times without physically showing it. But motherhood is proving to be a whole new realm of worry that I have never experienced before. I'm sure I'll have many posts about different things I might be worrying about concerning Gram, but right now it's sleep.

Gram has never been a big sleeper. As a newborn he would be up for 4-5 hours at a time, which completely confused me. I had always heard that all newborns did was eat, sleep and poop. Well, Gram ate and pooped just fine, but sleep was another story. He's went through phases of sleeping better. I longingly remember a 3 week stretch where I was up with him just once a night. But ever since January, he's been getting up most nights every 3-4 hours. Some nights I get a 5-6 hour stretch, some nights it's every 2 hours (like last night!!) I have read more articles and asked more questions about sleep compared to any other and still I feel a bit at my wits end.

Two nights ago he slept 9 hours straight! "Yes!" I thought, "Maybe now he'll start to sleep better." And then last night up every 2 hours!!! Had I not had the 9 hour stretch the night before, I think I would be in tears writing this post. What's a new mom to do?

There are many different theories of ways to get your baby to sleep and I'm having a hard time figuring out which one fits Gram best. I feel like I've tried routine/ schedule (as much as made sense with Gram) and it didn't really work. I'd like to give it another try and probably will. I've tried feeding on demand and watching his natural cues. Everything I've tried has seemed to work a little or for a short time. Maybe I need to be more consistent and stick with one thing.

What worries me is feeling this overwhelming pressure that it's all up to me. Like after the 9 hour stretch, I wracked my brain thinking what I had done with him the day before and tried to repeat it, but then I got 2 hour stretches. I wonder how much is me and how much is just Gram. Gram is an incredibly happy and content baby, so I have nothing to complain about. But getting more sleep would be SO NICE! And I know he needs more sleep at times too, how can I help him sleep better?

Lately, I have found myself dreading going to bed because I don't know what the night will hold. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like what I am doing right now with Gram might adversely affect his sleeping later. I feel like all my decisions with him revolves around sleep. And maybe that's ok, maybe that needs to be until we get this figured out. Or maybe I'm worrying about it too much. I don't know.

Today, I don't know. I'm running on too little sleep and a heart heavy with prayers for sleep for both Gram and me.

Matthew 6:31-33
"So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

Dustin and I held off making the decision about whether I would be a stay at home mom for some time. During my pregnancy and even the first weeks of Gram's life, we still hadn't made the decision. It wasn't that we didn't believe in the importance of one of us staying at home or the benefits to both Gram and us. It was purely financial. We weren't for sure if financially we could do it, and we weren't for sure financially if we were ready to do it. We were a 2 income family, FINALLY! After Dustin graduated from Seminary, we had just bought a house, and it felt SO NICE to not have to live paycheck to paycheck.

We had come a long way from living in a basement studio apartment, Dustin working at Hollywood video and painting and me commuting 3 hours a day to make ends meet. It felt good. SO good. It felt good to have a home and to have the finances to complete projects for it. It felt good to be able to go out to dinner with friends whenever we wanted. We remembered living in the basement studio apartment not having extra money for even 1 cup of coffee at Starbucks, let alone a meal out.

We had come a long way...God had brought us a long way. And it was so nice. But being with Gram, caring for this incredibly vulnerable little thing, it didn't take long for both of us to make up our minds - Gram needed mom at home. And maybe even more, mom needed to be home with Gram, and dad needed mom to be home with Gram. Dustin and I were surprised at how overwhelmed we felt about the need for me to be home with him. And so the decision was made.

March 5th was my last day as a full time out of the house employee. It was a great day! And yet a bit terrifying as well. The reality of living without the paycheck was setting in. And it's hard. It's hard to give up that control over our lives and, again, be in a place where we are relying on God month by month to help us make wise decisions and stretch our dollars. It's a great place to be, right? Relying on God? Yes!!! A million times over, YES!! And yet equally as scary.

And so, day by day, the tug of war inside of me between worry and trust goes on. Worry over whether we can afford health insurance and trust that God will provide for all our needs, as he has done time and time again. These small worries are nothing for our gigantic God. Our small family would be nothing without our gigantic God.

"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands."

This is probably the most fitting verse to begin my new job as a stay at home mom. What else is child rearing than building a home - a family, a future? I have already learned while on maternity leave and home with Gram that this can happen in both big and small ways.

Big ways to build your home vs. tear it down:
1. Having a heart of love vs. bitterness/ contempt
2. Speaking encouraging words vs. words that pick fights
3. Appreciating the opportunity to raise Gram vs. wondering what I might be missing out on
4. Putting me first vs. putting Gram first

Small ways to build your home vs. tear it down:
1. Filling my day with TV vs. quality time with Gram and God
2. Keeping up the house vs. laziness
3. Opening our home to others regularly vs. holing up by ourselves
4. Being thrifty vs. being frivolous

There are so many ways that this verse has and will play out in my days. My prayer is that I remember it often, that my choices build up instead of tear down, that Gram will grow up in a loving, secure and playful home and that he, too, will love to build.

So, i've been inspired by my best friend Jaime to begin blogging every day again. She's blogging daily about what she's thankful for and capturing a photo of it. i love going to her blog every day to see her amazing pics and write about what's going on in her life.

i'm afraid that this special time in my life is going to be gone before i know it, gone without me having reflected or captured what was REALLY going on with me and Gram and our family. so i've decided to blog every day about what God is teaching me. my rules are as follows:

1. i will try to have a scripture verse to accompany my post.
2. i can write about the same concept more than once but can't cut and paste an old entry.
3. i will be honest, even when it's ugly.

Post #1 on its way.

I know I haven't been good about updating the ole' blog. Here's some pregnancy pics.

Week 24




Week 19

My first official pregnancy pics! I'll be 15 weeks on Thursday. The first trimester has gone incredibly well. I've had no morning sickness at all, absolutely none! Praise God!

October 29th is coming soon and we can't wait to meet our new little one!!

Congrats to my husband who after 3 years of study and hard work has completed his Master of Divinity graduate degree (well, he still has 4 classes this summer to complete). I was kind of struck at the graduate dinner on Friday night and again at the graduation on Saturday what an accomplishment this is. Dustin has made it seem pretty effortless, to be honest. He's just so natural at thinking and reading and writing that the past 3 years hasn't seemed to me to be very hard for him. But I know better.

I know it's because of his good organizational skills that he was able to complete most of his work during the day while working part time so as to have the evenings free for me, our friends, and the church. I know that because of his love of reading he used every spare moment he had to do the required and recommended readings for each class. I know it's because of his discipline of truly being present at whatever he was doing at the moment, whether that be doing schoolwork, fixing dinner with me, preparing a sermon, or reading just for fun that I was convinced everything was always under control.

I can remember just a few times that I saw Dustin get flustered because he was feeling overwhelmed with his schedule. He has worked 6 and often 7 days a week for the last 3 years and hasn't complained once. We are looking forward to him being done with school and having a somewhat normal schedule (if you can call a minister's schedule normal!) We'll see how long that lasts.

What I love most is I know this isn't the end. Dustin is a life-long learner and eventually we will be back here again, rearranging our lives for him to further his education and celebrating his accomplishments when he's finished. The only question is who will get their PhD first, him or me?

I'm 30. The big 3-0.

I assume it's only appropriate to reflective upon the close of each decade of your life. I owe atleast that to my 20's. Last night as I was going to sleep, I had some good reflections. They were eloquent in my head and yet right now I can't seem to recall any of it. Dang! I hope this isn't the first sign of how my 30's will go. I digress.

Let me begin by saying my 20's were fantastic. A lot of milestones over the last 10 years- graduated from college and graduate school, moved out on my own, followed God to Florida, learned the ins and outs of coffee and pastries, spent A LOT of time by the pool, lived with my very best friend Jaime, ministered together with Jaime, met the love of my life, dated the love of my life in New York City of all places!, married the love of my life, followed God to Portland, embraced being a pastor's wife, the list goes on and on...

My 20's were great. And yet already I've noticed the biggest change between my 20's and 30's is regrets. I lived my 20's with no regrets. Mistakes that were made were seen as lessons learned. Poor decisions and their consequences as opportunities to draw close to God. I truly felt throughout my 20's that I had no regrets in life.

I begin my 30's by reflecting on some regrets from my 20's. I feel like with age and hopefully wisdom, I'm understanding a little bit better true consequences. No, that's not it. As I turn 30 I have an overwhelming understanding of a very important truth for us all...you only get one life. Just one. One life is all I get in this world. And everything I do matters. I don't get another 20's. I don't get to redo any year of my life. I get one shot to make the most of my life, and I guess I just have to wonder if I'm giving it my best. Have I given all that God has given me my very best? At times I feel like I have given my best back to God and other times I'm ashamed to admit that I fall desperately short.

That's it. That is what is consuming my mind at the moment. So, just for fun and to distract me from pondering, let's reflect on what Kelli would and would NOT do if she could live her 20's over again.

If I could live my 20's over again, I would change....
1. Money matters - IF ONLY I had truly understood the importance of saving and wise spending. I regret not being better with my money in my 20's. Granted, I had a REALLY great time, but I also know I wasted a lot of money, and I regret that.
2. Health matters - IF ONLY I had used my metabolism in my 20's to really shed some excess weight and get in shape. I know it's still possible in my 30's, 40's and 50's but I wish I would have taken eating right and working out more seriously in my 20's.

I guess those are the big things. There are little things - you know, those situations where you acted like an idiot and wish you could just erase the memory of it forever - but there's no need to go into every one of those!

If I could live my 20's over again, I would NOT change...
1. Moving to Florida - It was definitely one of the greateast times of my life. I became friends with Dustin which ultimately led to us getting married, I lived with my very best friend, and I had TONS of visitors from all over the country come visit me, because who doesn't want to go to the beach for vacation? I miss that.
2. Moving to Portland - Also one of the greateast times of my life. I love this city and all it has to offer, I love our church and the amazing people I've got to know here, I love the whole state and how beautiful it is.
3. Following God - Although there have been tough times, times of financial uncertainty, confusion and frustration, I would never in a million years not follow God. It has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done with my life. I never dreamed my 20's would be what they were, they were so much better than anything I could have planned for my life and I owe that all to God.

Again, there are a lot of little things that I wouldn't change, like going to graduate school, ministering with Impact Ministries, taking trips to Italy, Vancouver B.C, and Lake Tahoe, attending friends' weddings, and celebrating every day life with those that I love.

So, that's it. Goodbye 20's and hello 30's. I do embrace you, 30's. You will look very different than the 20's, that doesn't make you any better or worse, you'll just be different. And I'm really looking forward to that.