I know I will say this with each birthday, but wow, I can't believe you're 4!!  I remember the day you were born, I remember when you were still in my belly, I remember when I could hold you with just one arm.  You were so tiny.  And now you are so big!  You are tall and have long legs and big feet and are getting so heavy to carry.


It's so fun to talk to you Gram.  You have a big imagination and are always thinking of new ways to play with your toys.  And you don't miss anything!  Whatever you see or experience, you play out with your toys, it's so cool to see how God made you to learn through play.  You are loving stories, especially Bible stories and stories when mommy and daddy were little.  



You are such a good big brother!  I can finally say that with complete truth!  It has taken you a little while to adjust to having Owen around, but you are so sweet with him.  You are patient and considerate of him.  You love to help him and help me with him.  I am so appreciative of that.  Most times, you gladly give up a toy if Owen is wanting to play with it.  You try to not aggravate him but rather help him to play and settle down if he gets upset.  And you are so excited to teach Owen "lots of thing" you say, like how to ride a bike and the scooter. 



Things you say that I love to hear right now:
-  "Come on Owen, chase me!"
-  "Hey little buddy!" (when talking to Owen)
-  "Mommy, can we have some me and you time?"
-  "Mommy, I love you."
-  I heard you singing Jesus Loves Me the other day and it melted my heart.
-  A friend of yours was talking about monsters and you replied, 'Whenever you get scared of monsters, you can just talk to God and he will help you."  Yes!!!!



You love school and are just soaking up so much.  You like to introduce yourself to the gas station attendants and want to invite them to play at your house.  You love people and always make friends wherever we happen to be playing.  Those friends are normally girls and you have asked on multiple occasions if we can have more babies, "lots of baby girls" you say.  =)  (The answer is NO!)




I love being your mommy and am so proud of you Gram.  Happy birthday!!

I'm sure most people feel this way...that they can't believe their little baby is 1 year old already.  The saying is so, so true...the days are long but the years are short.  Welcoming Owen into our family has made for some long, long days.  It has been an adjustment for us all (mostly his older brother Gram!).  Having another human to care for takes more work, more energy, more sleepless nights, more worry, more feeding, more rocking....you get the point.

But man, along with all of that has been more and more and more snuggles.  I wouldn't trade any of it.  

Owen Klarke...I knew you would be fierce.  There were times while pregnant with you that it felt like you were literally doing circles inside me.  You came out swinging my strong boy, and you haven't stopped.  God is referred to as both strong and loving.  And when I think about you the first thing that pops into my mind is that you are strong and loving.

I have never met a baby as strong as you.  You sat by yourself at 4 months, crawled at 6 months, and walked at 9.5 months.  You get knocked down by your brother all the time and yet you rarely cry.  You climb, you tumble, you balance, you lift!  You carry around a 3 pound weight...in one hand...at 11 months!!!  It's incredible.  Every day we see you do something that amazes us.  You have no fear and often times rightly so, because you have the strength to back it up.  I have no idea how this is going to play out in your life, but I can hardly wait to see!


I have never met a baby as loving as you.  You love to snuggle, you are my true snuggle bug, and I am so, so thankful for it.  I pray you will always be a snuggle bug.  There have been many occasions where you have snuggled into friends of ours and even complete strangers.  Last year at Vienne Piscitelli's funeral, there was an older woman sitting in the foyer of the church before the funeral started.  I was getting something out of your diaper bag and you kept leaning toward her.  I asked, "Do you want to go to her?" and you leaned again.  She exclaimed, "I would love to hold him!"  So I gave you to her...and you snuggled her.  You looked up at her and snuggled in, repeat, repeat, repeat.  She was beaming.  Here we were at a tragic funeral and you were comforting this grandma.  It's like you knew she needed some snuggles on this sad day.  So loving.


As your personality comes out more and more, we see your goofy side.  You are silly like your brother. You give us this big toothy grin while scrunching your face, it's adorable.  You love Micky Mouse Clubhouse!  You love to dance (especially to the Hot Dog song), whenever there's music on you will dance.  It's so cute!  You are a great eater, you love sausage and cheese and blueberries and broccoli.  


You love your brother and dad so, so much.  You three wrestle together and you growl just like Gram. In the morning, you call out, "Dada....dada" and Daddy comes to get you.  You repeat almost anything your dad says.  And you've learned to meow like a kitty, just like Gram.


Owen, you have added some much joy to our family.  You melt our hearts on a daily basis and you make us smile just by watching you walk around.  Your laugh is one of the best sounds I've ever heard and it's absolutely contagious.  I love you my sweet, sweet boy.  And I look forward to many years as your mom.

I've mentioned before how caught off guard I have been about what it takes to run a household with two kids.  Maybe it's Pinterest or Facebook or any of the other multitude of blogs/ websites of really amazing moms/wives/women who seem to be running their households in some pretty amazing ways.  Not only do they seem to be organized and creative, their homes are clean with homemade cleaners and their dinners are delicious and well balanced every night.  Most of these women are completely honest about their stuggles as well, but it's still intimidating.  It still makes me feel like I'm always trying to catch up, to keep up I suppose.

What I have realized is that I need a new way of thinking about my household and my days.  My perspective is often focused on keeping up, trying to get ahead (yeah right!), and just make it through this time of exhausted craziness.   However, that way of thinking leaves me feeling behind all the time.  My perspective needs to be - this is life now.  These are my days.  Life is about cleaning and playing and cooking and more playing and teaching/molding and loving and shopping and saving and projects and all the rest that goes into raising two little boys and living as a family of four and well, being an adult.  Life isn't happening outside of these things, it IS these things.

I need to let go of that selfish part of my past life that I am subconsciously clinging to.  The past life where I could sleep in and watch 4 episodes of my favorite show and have ice cream for dinner.  The thing is, I miss those things, I miss that part of my past life.  I miss the feeling of a day full of nothing to do and no responsibility, the carefreeness of being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. 

It's been over 3 years now that I've been a mom and I still feel the tug-of-war inside me, selfish vs. sacrificial.  Does that feeling ever go away?  How can I feel at the very same time that I just want to do what I want to do and yet get up hour after hour throughout night after night to rock and snuggle and comfort my little guy?  These seem to be polar opposite feelings and yet they both reside inside me.  

The choice to live sacrificially is one that is made day after day, hour after hour.  This make Jesus' sacrifice for us all that more amazing.  He didn't just make the choice once, he made it day after day, heartbreaking hour after hour and he continues to make it to this day.  I exhaust Him, I'm sure.  My sin and pettiness and selfishness wear on His heart because He knows I am more than that.  I am more than my weakest moments, and it is He who carries me through.  It is He who has over these last 3 years kept me going when I was exhausted.  It is He who wrapped His arms around me and my boy both as we rocked and snuggled in the dark nights.  It is He who gets me out of bed with each cry heard from the other room.  It is He, He who has given me every good thing, who creates good things out of struggles, who makes strength out of weakness. 

 It is because of Him that I am a mom, and even more His doing when I do it well. May I focus on you, Jesus, in the midst of exhaustion, trusting you to transform my selfishness into sacrifice. 

"You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things...You make beautiful things out of us.
You make things new...you are making me new."

We sing this song at Evergreen and I love it.  It gives me hope, it speaks of redemption, it reminds me of what God does with our lives, regardless of how ugly they might look at the moment, He makes them beautiful.

He's given us 2 little boys who are more beautiful than I ever could have imagined or created myself.  Feeling thankful for God's beauty in my life this morning.

There are so many things about being a mom that have been completely unexpected - the extent of exhaustion; the influence that gas has on their tiny tummies and big moods; the long, long road of teething; sleep training; the ungodly length of time I can stare at a sleeping baby....just to name a few.

But the one that I am feeling more and more is the rich relationship that I have with my sons.  (I will talk mostly of Gram because I have had more time with him, but I am beginning to see a similar relationship with my O-bear.)  My relationship with Gram is so much richer than I had anticipated.  His affections for me and need for Mama's comfort is so beautiful and, honestly, a great reward for all the sleepless nights and long days spent loving and guiding him along.  

I can see this richness as he grows and is able to express himself more, as he talks about what he sees around him, as he plays out his experiences.  I see this little man who is deeply connected to me.  My son wants to share everything with me.  He wants me with him when he's hurt and when he's having fun, he wants me to provide when he's hungry or bored, he wants me to laugh with and cry with, he wants me..regardless of his mood or his day or if we've been together all day long, he wants me near him.

Gram loves spending time with others.  He's an incredibly social kid and wants to practically burst with excitement when we have people over to the house.  (It's funny to have people to the house who have only seen Gram in public, he's like a crazy man at home instead of the reserved, well-behaved kid they normally see.)  I digress....Gram loves people, he loves when people play with him.  He wants you to come into his room and play trains or trucks or whatever.  And he has lots of great people to play with. He loves to play with his Dad and his grandparents.  It's so, so precious to see him play with others.  But he also loves to play with me.  And I, in return, love to play with him.  We love to play together and it makes life fun.  It's fun to have someone want to be with you, someone who genuinely enjoys your company, a person who you bring so much joy to. 

I'm thankful, thankful for Gram and Owen and however many days we get to play together.  I'm thankful that even though Dad is super, super fun, they still think I am pretty amazingly fun as well.  I'm thankful that even if I'm needing a break from my little men, they rarely seem to need a break from me (a lesson of unconditional love for sure!)  

One thought that goes through my head multiple times a day is, "How do parents have more than 2 kids?"  And especially, "How the hell do some parents have 5 or 6 or 8 kids?"  Cause some people do! Some people choose to have 8 kids!  And it is baffling to me.  The term "utmost respect" times 1,000 would begin to describe how I feel about said people.  

Parenting is hard.  Raising little people is ex-haust-ing.  (Let me just add in here that I'm ranting a little, ok.  I have amazing kids and we are incredibly blessed to have a community that is supportive and family that loves our kids and gives us a regular break to keep our sanity.  I definitely see that I have it  much easier than a lot of people and I am very thankful for that.)  Let me continue...

Ex-haust-ing.  I'm physically exhausted from being up at night with Owen.  I'm emotionally exhausted from the intense stage of having a 3 year old- giving up the pacifier, potty training, preschool, wanting to do things for himself, testing boundaries, adjusting to a new little brother, etc.  Bed time is hard with both of them.  We start at 7:30pm and sometimes it's 9:30pm before the house is quiet and we can relax, and often just go to bed at that point.  

I find myself feeling the tension of wanting to enjoy this stage with our two boys and longing for the next stage when they are sleeping better and potty training is complete and I can actually get 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

Longing...that's what I'm feeling quite a bit these days, longing for sleep. 

But in the midst of being so, so tired...I get these amazing snuggles every day.  I have two boys who are Mama's Boys!  I feel their love for me so deeply and completely.  That's the thing about babies and kids, they love deeply.  They feel so completely, and they express those feelings unashamedly.  I appreciate that about them, especially coming from my boys.  We are trying hard to create an environment for them where expressing their feelings is encouraged.  We want them to know they are allowed to feel whatever they want, there are boundaries with how they can express those feelings, but we want to know how they feel and think and perceive what is going on in their lives.

And it's so amazing to see what their little sponge minds are soaking up.  And nerve racking to know everything we do is being copied and memorized.  Yikes!  And so I strive with little sleep to be patient with a rowdy 3 year old and my never-stopping 7 month old.  They keep me going, for sure.  

But for now...I sleep.  

^{Luke 2:51 “}Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them. But his mother treasured all these things in her heart. ⁵² And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”

And there it is....this season is about learning how to refresh my soul, how to let God refresh my soul.  God is teaching me what that means on a whole new level.  My eyes have been opened to my desperate need for that in a whole new way.  And I realize when I allow Him to do that I am a whole new person.

I realize I had taken the time to write down my experience as a new mom with Gram more than I have with Owen.  It only makes sense, right?  Second child, more to do, less time to sit and reflect and write.  What I'm thankful for is I have had the time to reflect, lots of hours of rocking my new little boy, thinking about how amazing he is, how blessed we are to have two beautiful boys, how rewarding it is to be a mom, and how easily swept away I can be in everyone's life around me.  

Owen, he is just the best little baby.  "A really great second kid", I say.  He sleeps well, he eats well, he hardly ever cries, he's just content and happy.  He smiles a lot these days, and talks (mostly to his dad!) and loves to snuggle.  Oh, the snuggles!  He is a sweet, sweet boy.  His temperament couldn't have been more different than Gram's at this age.  So it will be interesting to see who this new little man will be.

I remember wondering how I could ever love another child like I loved Gram.  I'm sure parents with multiple children just smiled at me, knowing how it works- how as another child comes into your life, your heart expands and grows to engulf them both.  I realize this now.  I'm just as in love with Owen as I am with Gram.  Just as protective, just as determined to be a good steward with who God has given us, just as thankful for the incredible blessing of a baby boy.

At the same time, it was pretty obvious from the first moments of Owen's life that we were different parents this time around.  We had so much to learn the first time, so much unknown, so much to worry about and figure out.  This time I think we felt more comfortable in our parent skin, less skittish, so to speak.  More confident in our abilities.  Less obsessive.  At the same time, Owen hasn't given us as much to obsess about!

Welcome Owen Klarke into the world and into our lives and hearts.  You are ours forever and we love you completely.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

Owen has arrived! And so much has changed all in an instant. Our lives have already been extremely blessed by this little man.

I try to not make all my posts about Gram, but this one is solely about him. So many new quirks and funny things going on with him that I just have to share so I don't forgot this fun stage. And it is quite a fun stage! I had heard horror stories about the terrible twos, but thus far 2 years old has been one of Gram's best stages. And I am trying to cherish every moment.

Learning to say you're sorry can be a hard life lesson. Most adults, myself included, have a hard time saying it in some instances. This week Gram took 2 steps forward in understanding sorry, and my heart could just burst.

It's weird to be writing my second post of the year reflecting on the death of a loved one. My uncle Donny Warner died suddenly on Friday, and quite honestly, I'm hoping this post helps me to process this loss. It's so, so difficult to be away from family during this time. I wish I was there to mourn with them and love them. It's hard to not get to share my hurting heart with theirs. It's hard to not be able to give my Grandma a hug, a hug that says I can't imagine what you are feeling having just lost your second son.

My uncle Donny was one of my favorite relatives. He was one of the most generous servants I have ever known. Ironically, he and his twin brother Danny both died from hearts that just stopped. Two men with hearts bigger and stronger than I have ever seen. Hearts for family and friends that went beyond duty or obligation, hearts that were loyal and kind and hard working. It's just weird how life turns out, and weirder how death happens.

My uncle Donny loved his children and grandchildren more than life itself. I know their hurt is so, so deep right now. And my heart is with them. I know they are feeling lost, as I would had I lost a parent. My prayers are for them to continue one day at a time.

My uncle Donny and aunt Carol Ann visited me in both Florida and Oregon, and I loved their visits. They always cared so much about me and what was going on with my life. I cherish those memories.

My mom has now lost 2 brothers, and life is different now. Life changes when one of us leave it. Our family will never be the same without my uncle Donny. I know this is not what she expected. I know this is not what my aunt Carol Ann expected. My heart is with them...no matter the distance, always with them.

Uncle Donny, I pray you are with Uncle Danny and Grandpa Jack right now. I pray there was a joyous reunion, which I know you have been waiting for for many years. We will be reunited one day... but in the meantime, you are dearly missed.

I'm blogging at 4am, been up since 2am when I was awoke by Gram laughing in his sleep. Quite a contrast from the cries that use to awaken us in the night, a much embraced contrast!

I was sitting on my couch this evening with my feet up and a book in my hand listening to the sweet giggles coming from Gram's room during bedtime routine with dad. I sat there soaking it all in, our living room, the dark night and warm glow of our lights inside, a kitchen cleaned after a good meal, and my two favorite guys giggling in the next room before bed. This is what I have been thinking about in the middle of the night after being awoke by dreaming laughs. I can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of contentment and gratitude, I can't get back to sleep because of it. I am utterly humbled at all God has chosen to give me and at who he has chosen to give me.

It's been about 5 months now that Dustin has been doing the bedtime routine with Gram and putting him to bed. After 18 months of nursing Gram and putting him down, I have gladly given this over to Dustin and Dustin has even more gladly and gaily accepted. Gram's bedtime routine includes reading books with dad right before night-nights. Every night is a little different in that there's no set amount of books that Gram and Dustin read together. Some nights Gram can hardly get through 1 book before he points to the crib and says, "night-nights". Dustin obliges with an "I love you bud, night-nights" and puts him to bed. Other nights Gram seems to delaying the inevitable with more books even though he is so tired. Those nights Dustin says, "just one more book bud and then night-nights." Gram obliges and is carried to his crib with an "I love you bud, night-nights." But some nights are like tonight, when both Gram and Dustin want to sit, cuddling in the rocker, pointing to and talking about each page in each book. There's no hurry, just delight in spending time together. I admit that on the nights when Dustin is at a meeting and I read with Gram, I find myself wanting to hurry through bedtime routine so I can get him down and have some time to myself. But Dustin, he doesn't do that, he savors each moment with Gram. He truly delights in his son.

What is on my mind tonight that I can't seem to shake is how amazing of a dad my husband is. Those of us who knew Dustin before he was dad often thought, "What kind of dad will Dustin be?" Dustin wasn't the kind of guy that flocked to babies or had kids flock to him necessarily. He had only held 1 or 2 babies before Gram came along! I didn't know what kind of dad Dustin would be, but I knew he would be a good dad. I knew he would surprise us. However, I greatly underestimated his skills as a father and have realized over these last months that Dustin is a great dad, a really, really great dad.

I knew that I would be a good mom. I love babies and have looked forward to this time in my life for a very long time. But I learn weekly from my husband what it means to be a godly parent, what it means to guide, correct and love with patience and intention. As I laid in bed tonight I just felt deeply grateful for the man who sleeps next to me night after night. For his for love me and our son (and the one on the way!) that comes from the very depth of who he is.

And so, I have no doubt that Gram was dreaming about his dad tonight. He could have been laughing at Dustin eating his head like a zebra (a notion totally made up by Dustin!), or kissing him in the small of his neck, or chasing him around the house, or pretending to drop the book, all things that Gram loves to do with his dad.

Sweet dreams, my boy, sweet dreams.

"The rituals just seemed to stop, like all the other natural endings- such as the last time one of the boys crawled into bed with us, or I carried them on my hip, or saw them naked, even. Such moments evaporate so quietly that you don't realize it's the last time until long afterward."

I'm reading this book called, "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman" by Joan Anderson. She is writing about her experience to not move with her husband when he accepted a new job and to, instead, spend a year in their Cape Cod cottage, basically trying to figure out now that her kids were out of the house and married what she wanted out of life. It's been a good read so far. I empathize with her, knowing that I could very well feel as she feels 20 years from now. I don't want to feel like she does, but I can understand how easily it is for women, in particular, to spend their whole lives managing their households that we forget to be us, to maintain our sense of self and purpose outside of our family.

This passage in particular really hit me because I've been feeling a bit of the same lately. Gram is almost 2 and, wow, how the time has flown. The days, however....they have not flown. And that's why this passage hit me. Because many days I feel like I am just trying to make it through the day with Gram, trying to meet his needs and keep crying/tantrums to a minimum. But I don't want to just make it through the days. Because one day I'll wake up and I won't have those days...the days of nightly baths and feet pajamas, the days of cuddles when he's tired or hurt himself, the days of pure elation when I come home from being gone, the days of "mom, mom, mom" in his sweet voice, the days of him wanting me to be with him all the time, of choosing me above anyone else. Those days won't be here forever. I don't want to push them along. I want to savor them. I want to savor this time with my baby boy.

But I also need to make time for myself, time which does not include watching TV or reading Facebook. I need meaningful time, time to read and write, time to pray and reflect, time to have adult conversations with those I love, time for silence and rest.

So this is where I'm at, trying to find the balance of savoring my time with Gram as well as carving out time for myself. I get the feeling this will be my challenge for the next 20 years, which is ok. I accept this challenge as opposed to the alternative, completely giving into serving my family at the expense of myself and feeling like I lost 20 years of my life. Life is so short, I want those 20 years to be meaningful to myself and to my family. I know it's possible. I know God has equipped me for it. I depend on Him to see me through.

As I seek to reconnect with God this Lent season, I am trying to steal away a few moments this morning to do just that. The Scripture I am reading for today is cutting right to my heart.

Isaiah 58: 1-12 (The Message)

^1-3 "Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'

^3-5"Well, here's why:

"The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won't get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, God, would like?

^6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

^9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.