I am sick today. It started with a sore throat a few days before our weekend vacation and came to a peak yesterday on the drive home with a runny nose and stuffed up head. I didn't sleep at all last night and this morning still felt very tired and stuffed up. I'm thankful that right now work can wait and sick days are a plenty! It's weird that I've been sick the last 3 times that I had time off. I don't get it but know that I need the extra rest and am thankful for it.

"He did not want her to see him like this, she understood that, but the alternative was worse. They were so close to nothing already- or so she'd thought, because afterward it was harder than she could have imagined. There were days when she got dressed fully intending to go to the hospital, but there was no one there. It was like going mad, she supposed. Everything she was so certain of, everything that held intense meaning for her, no longer existed. She spent hours pursuing pointless rituals, talking to herself or people invisible to others, addressing objects, then suddenly stopped and scourged herself for it, furious with her own emotions."

I can't ever imagine life without my husband. Even more, I can't imagine almost 50 years of marriage and then life without him. How do people go on? I know it's by the grace of God, but the logistics of that are lost to me. The mere thought of it overcomes me.

My mom's birthday was yesterday, March 18th. I won't tell you how old she is, but you would never guess because she still looks amazing. I have so much respect for my mom. She's one of those moms who becomes your best friend over time. One that knows you well and loves getting to know you again and again year after year. I had moments (very brief I'm sure!) during adolescence when I was...how shall I say...hard to handle. I can only imagine the prayers and tears that were shed on my behalf. Prayers and tears that I fully believe helped me to become who I am today. My mom has never judged me and yet has shown tough love when needed. She's smart and quirky and has a heart of gold. Every day I become more like her and although at one point in time that might have made me cringe, I now embrace the evolution realizing how blessed I am to follow in such worthy foot steps.

I have been reading Henri Nouwen's "Reaching Out" and in it he talks about how parenting is a form of hospitality. In it he writes:

"What parents can offer is a home, a place that is receptive but also has the safe boundaries within which their children can develop and discover what is helpful and what is harmful. There their children can ask questions without fear and can experiment with life without taking the risk of rejection. There they can be encouraged to listen to their own inner selves and to develop the freedom that gives them the courage to leave the home and travel on. The hospitable home indeed is the place where father, mother and children can reveal their talents to each other, become present to each other as members of the same human family and support each other in their common struggles to live and make live."

I read this paragraph and was struck by how much I understood exactly what he was talking about. I grew up in a home like this one. And I know how blessed I am because most people today have grown up in a home nothing like the one described above. My mom played a major part in making our home one in which we could be ourselves without fear of judgement or ridicule. My mom put in the time with us to make sure that we knew we were loved. My mom worked to help pay the bills and yet I never felt like her career came before her family. My mom created a home that was and still is a home to all. I've never seen my mom turn someone away. She's a lover and a fighter and for that, with tears in my eyes, I am eternally grateful. This is the mom I strive to be. Thank you Mom for years and years of love and laughter, I look forward to many, many more. Happy belated birthday!!

Well, we are all moved in. There's still some arranging/ re-arranging to be done so no pics quite yet, but I will have them soon. My goal today is to find the perfect place for all of our belongings and leave them there! Dustin and I absolutely love the new place. It's not quite as big as I had remembered it..in fact it's still quite small as far as actual square footage. But the high ceilings and huge front window add a lot of ambiance and have already affected us positively. It has challenges of its own, such as sloping ceilings and virtually no storage space in the bathroom, but I am my mother's daughter and therefore love a decorating challenge.

I find it quite amusing that in Dustin and I's relatively short dating/ marriage relationship of just over 3 years, we have moved either one or both of us 4 times!! That's a lot! I feel like we have both learned our responsibilities when it comes to moving day and give our best efforts to make sure it goes as smoothly, stresslessly, and even as fun as possible. A special shout out to Dan and Chris for helping us move the big stuff, i.e. couches, bed, dresser. Thank you for saving me the strenuous physical exertion and thank you from Dustin for saving him from my emotional breakdown!

Dustin is at work painting right now, so I should probably get back to setting our home in order so pics can be taken!!

- From the apartment above the garage

Dustin and I went with our friends Jason and Kim to see the movie "300" on Saturday night. We snuck Dollar store candy into the movie just like old times. I was pretty pleased with the movie (specifically the wardrobe, hehehehheh) It was a little over the top in places, but that's to be expected from an epic such as this one. I left loving the passion of the Spartans and the beauty of Greek culture.

I am still slowly inching my way to losing weight. I haven't weighed myself in a month. I'm scared to know the depth of my progress or, more likely, lack of progress. I felt fat yesterday but thinner today. It's a never ending emotional battle and food seems to be the enemy (although i could have swore it was an ally the last time I checked.) It's so hard for me to give up those comfort foods of breads, cheeses, and sweets. And so I press on...

I am missing my nieces and wanting more pictures of them. Send pictures Beth!!!

I have been in one of those moods lately where I am missing my friends and family and yet don't call them. Sometimes it's almost easier to think of them instead of hearing their voice and being reminded of just how far away we really are. It's no excuse, I need to be better about calling and writing.

We move in three days!! Pictures to come as soon as all boxes are disposed of and every item is strategically and loving placed in its very new spot.

It is ironic that I just opened up my Word file entitled “thoughts” and there’s a blank page. It’s not just ironic but true. I have had many thoughts as of late, but have failed to get them on paper. In fact, I believe this has caused poor sleep habits and wild imaginations because my most basic thoughts, my heart, my struggles, my voice has been stifled by my own laziness. I would like to do a study on laziness because in my personal opinion it is the root of stunted spiritual growth in our culture today, but that is for another time.

I attended a writing workshop on Saturday. It was somewhat of a last minute decision, although I had been contemplating it for weeks. Money was an issue, of course. But this week I had a bit of a revelation. While working on our annual budget at The Salvation Army, I realized that I wasn’t enjoying my work all that much. This might not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but to anyone who knows me well, they know that I have always enjoyed financial and number related tasks. My best friend, Jaime, would make fun of me in college for “saving” my accounting homework for my break from writing a paper. The truth is, I enjoy both numbers and words. Recently, through my graduate degree and my career, I have focused more on numbers. I realized this week that my interests are lying elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ready to give up my addiction to numbers yet, they are in some bizarre way soothing and comfortable to me. But this desire to write that has been screaming inside of me, I feel, can’t be stifled any longer. At the very least, I feel that I need to give it a voice and see what it has to say. And so I went to the Women’s Writer’s Conference at Western Seminary and I am so thankful that I did.

The main theme throughout the whole conference was this- write because it’s a gift from God and for God. Do not write for the sole purpose of being successful and making lots of money and having lots of books, etc. The only way to deal with the ups and downs of a writer’s career is to write because you have to. Because you could never give it up and if you did you would cease to be you. I thanked God for that reminder. Because I’m not ready to pursue a writing career and I don’t know that that is what God has in store for me. Our main speaker resonated with my heart when she said, “You know, I’m not one of those people who are ok with failing. You know the type of people that if they fail at something the first time they try it again, and again, and again. That is not me! I know when I’m not good at something and I just don’t do it. I only do what I’m good at because I don’t like to fail.” That is my heart exactly. This has been a huge fear for me when thinking about writing. I don’t want to fail at it. I don’t want to be not good enough. But this weekend reminded me that writing isn’t to be the best, it’s just to be. I write because that’s who I am and that’s how I best communicate with myself and with God. Another slap-in-the-face revelation was that I haven’t been communicating best with God because I haven’t been writing. I haven’t been completely honest with myself because I haven’t been writing. Writing helps me to be me and that’s why I need to do it.

So I’m excited to recommit myself to be me and to make God a bigger priority in my life. I’m also realizing probably the biggest negative affect of living in a studio apartment is the lack of privacy. I don’t mind sharing space with Dustin, I like being close to him all the time. But it’s hard to “get away” for those critical and desperate times with God when you bare your soul in such a way that only God could understand or want to see. (For example, Dustin just turned on Seinfield and it’s so hard not to listen!! But I press on!) My prayer is that I’m able to find those times of utter abandonment in order to be painfully real. And even more to stop being lazy.

"Contemplation is also the response to a call: a call from Him who has no voice, and yet Who speaks in everything that is, and Who, most of all, speaks in the depths of our own being, for we ourselves are words of His. But we are words that are meant to respond to Him, to answer to Him, to echo Him, and even in some way to contain Him and signify Him. Contemplation is this echo. It is a deep resonance in the inmost center of our spirit in which our very life loses its separate voice and re-sounds with the majesty and the mercy of the Hidden and Living One. He answers Himself in us and this answer is divine life, divine creativity, making all things new. We ourselves become His echo and His answer."

I've been contemplating this, I ask that you join me.

- I pass a business downtown called Moonlight Staffing. Their phone number is 1-800-Work-Late. I just wonder what type of "work" they do late.

- I was listening to Dustin's Ipod and wishing for the millionth time that I had a beautiful singing voice. I love to sing, but I really suck at it. When I'm by myself, I belt it out, knowing that God doesn't mind. But when others are around I whisper sing which really sucks. All of a sudden today I had the desire to learn to play the piano. I have never been interested in the piano before, but listening to Keane today made me appreciate anew the beauty that the piano brings to a song. I want to be a part of beautiful music so bad, maybe this is a way. I've never been very musically inclined but I also don't believe that you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

- I was thinking of the life lessons that I want to pass on to my children. The number one financial lesson I will teach my children is how to save money and how not to depend on credit cards. We live in a society that assumes we all must use and abuse credit cards, like without them we would all starve or freeze to death. I am so impressed with people who don't use credit cards, or who can pay them off every month. I am realizing that how you handle debt really is a lifestyle choice. I believe to be the best stewards with our money we need to save and make proactice decisions about the future, rather than using credit cards for last minute decisions. I want my children to understand delayed gratification in a way that I have yet to learn. I don't want to raise brats, I want to raise appreciative and free children. Having credit card debt totally takes your freedom away. It may seem like it gives freedom but that is a lie. Using a credit card is like paying $12 for a $4 frappucino. Who wants to do that? Today, I am saying NO to you credit cards and YES to you savings account with $3 in it. I guess you've got to start somewhere, right??? =)

- I kept thinking about this report on homelessness that I recently read. I will write more about this later, but I just can't get it out of my mind. I see homeless people every day, on the max, in the park, downtown, outside the grocery store. My heart breaks for them. I feel so helpless when I only have $2 to give them and get so mad when I don't have any cash on me at all. I can't imagine how they feel. I'm at a loss.

On Friday night Dustin and I went out to dinner with Jason, Kim,Dan and Molly. The restaurant was called Montage and it is known for it's flavorful mac & cheese. They seat you family style at long tables with parties sitting right next to eat other. I must say the food was pretty amazing. Dustin ordered the Spicy Mac and was pleasantly pleased. I ordered the Famous Linguini with Vegetables. It was very delicious as well, although a little too hot. I don't mind spicy foods, but I feel like overly spicy takes away from the eating experience. Instead, I'm downing water all night long trying to cool down my tongue. But I digress, the best quirk about this restaurant was their version of the "doggie bag". They wrap your left overs with tin foil in different animal shapes or flowers. Naturally, I requested a turtle and Dustin got a crab. As you can see below they were fighting a bit, but in the end my turtle won!! =)

We saw a few giraffes that were over 3 feet tall, so crazy!! Kim got a penguin that was so cute and Molly requested a spider. It looked awesome, very scary!!

We had a really great time hanging out with friends. It was especially nice when I dominated at Nertz!! I am the card playing champion!!

- Well, tomorrow is my very first business trip with the Salvation Army. I'll be traveling to Eugene, Oregon for the night and staying in a Quality Inn. High class!! It will be nice to meet other employees and make sure I'm doing what I'm suppose to be doing!!

- Dustin and I have been watching the DVD's of The Office. I felt like I wasn't truly appreciating the new episodes and I was right. I appreciate them and laugh so much more now that I've watched from the beginning. (Let me just say that TV shows on DVD's are the greatest invention ever!!) I am a little concerned, however, that we might becoming obsessive. For example, this past weekend the guy that lives above us left for the weekend but forgot to turn off his alarm. So on Saturday morning we heard from 6-7am the constant beeping of the alarm. We obviously couldn't go back to sleep while it was beeping, so our first thought was to watch an episode of The Office to kill time. That night I wasn't feeling well so we watched about 6 more episodes. If that's wrong then I don't want to be right.

- Dustin and I went to hear Brian McClaren speak on Friday night. He was in a word, "amazing"! As I knew he would be. Sitting there listening to him speak reminded me of being back at Lincoln Christian College, sitting in the dark chapel for Focus, and just being floored by what the speaker for the night was saying. Brian, like those speakers, are passionate about God and so incredibly insightful. I was like a sponge when I was at Lincoln and I was blessed to be in the presence of so many incredible thinkers, communicators, and livers. Thank you to Brian for moving me in a way that I haven't been moved in quite some time. And thank you even more for your incredible insight.

- Before Brian McClaren spoke, a couple of ladies led us in worship through music. They sang a song that I had never heard. It was written by Angie and Todd Fadel (I have no idea who they are but want to give them props b/c I'm about to write down their lyrics!!) I loved the lyrics so much because they are just real and true. I didn't write down the name of the song, but the lyrics are as follows:

Some things are worth the fight,
so I won't walk away.
I won't walk away this time.
Your Majesty, as plain as day.
But you choose the small and weak,
so I can say that

My joy is my peace on its feet
Your Spirit makes us all the same underneath
My joy is my peace on its feet
Your Spirit makes us all the same underneath.

Help me believe in You,
Help me believe in You,
Help me believer in You.

p.s. I apologize for the picture. I am at work and this is all I could find. =)

I will be praising my husband more throughout the week as we celebrate his 27th birthday on Wednesday. But I had to start singing his praises today because of this past weekend. Dustin fixed me dinner on Saturday night and I was so impressed!!! He lost a bet and therefore had to fix dinner. Instead of sulking like I know some guys might do, instead of fixing grilled cheese and soup, he went ALL OUT!! He took so much time picking out the perfect dinner and desert for us, purchased a bottle of my favorite wine, Reisling, and made sure it was a complete surprise! I was and am still so appreciative. He fixed a lime salsa chicken with cheesy salsa potatos, (Yum!!), a gorgeous salad, and banana something with whipped cream for desert. It was the best meal of my life for the following reasons:
1. I did not have to cook it.
2. I ate it in the comfort of my own home.
3. It was made with determination and love.

Doesn't it look delicious?? He even cut up limes for presentation!!


This is a picture of my joy at this surprise meal.


This is Dustin's look of joy at having completed the much anticipated meal.

At one point throughout the evening as I was leisurely reading Harry Potter, I thought I heard curses coming from the kitchen. I asked Dustin if everything was going ok. He replied, "This is the most stressful and frustrating thing I've ever done. There's so many things to keep track of and remember. It's hard!" Ah, the joy of multi-tasking.

Here's to you my sweet. You can cook for me any day!! =)

A few years back I read the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I read it while dating Dustin and it was great to help us understand how we both best communicate. It's a great book to read for any relationship wheather family, friend, or significant other. The way people give and receive love is a huge part of who they are. Knowing the way your significant other communicates love will go a LONG way in a marriage!! I have just been reminded of this while driving to work this morning. It dawned on me as I was enjoying the beautiful sunny, no-clowd day that I was wrong about how I communicate love. Just to get everyone up to speed, the five love languages are as follows:
1. Physical touch
2. Quality time
3. Gifts
4. Words of affirmation
5. Acts of service

Mr. Chapman says that we all communicate through each of these languages, but each person normally has one or two ways that they communicate most. I had previously thought that my primary love languages were physical touch and quality time. However, the revelation this morning informed me that my love languages are physical touch and acts of service. I feel like such an idiot for not realizing this sooner!! My whole life I have been taught that love is serving others. My whole family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. all communicate love by helping each other. I have always said that I could count on my family for absolutely anything. That is what I love and appreciate so much about my family, they show love by serving others. My grandmother Martha Jean is the greatest example of this. I've never seen a woman so determined to love God and others by serving them.

All this to say that I now understand why Dustin calls me a princess when I'm around my family, my parents especially. They do whatever I want!! I can ask anything (almost!) of them and they will do it. Why? Because they love me!!! I like to think that they could ask anything of me and I will do it as well. That's the kind of friend I try to be. One that can be counted on for anything. That's the type of wife I try to be. I love serving Dustin. I enjoy getting him a drink, or helping with his sermon, or giving him a massage, or doing whatever he needs me to do.

The reason that this is such a revelation to me is now I understand why when I ask Dustin to do something for me and he says no or is hesitant my feelings get hurt. In that moment I can't understand why he wouldn't do something for me, knowing that I would do anything for him. In that moment I don't see anything else in the situation, such as other factors that might be affecting his decision, I only see my husband having a choice between loving and not loving me. Of course his thoughts have nothing to do with whether he loves me or not. He knows full well that he loves me and I know full well that he loves me, but in that moment I don't feel it.

I can't tell you how elated I am to realize this. I honestly feel like such a fool for not seeing the obvious sooner. Dustin and I have an amazing marriage. And this realization will only help to prevent future bumps in the road. My understanding of myself will help me to not falsely accuse him of not loving me and will help me to see the many other ways that he does show his love for me.

I highly recommend everyone married and dating couple to read this book and talk with your mate about your love languages. It is an extremely beneficial eye opener.

Dustin and I have committed to read through the bible in one year. We even got a One Year Bible to assist us in this process. It’s going well so far, I highly recommend everyone to try it. It’s nice to do it with Dustin for accountability and also so we can talk through what we’re reading which helps it to sink in instead of going in one ear and out the other. It also helps to be married to a seminary student. I expect him to have all the answers, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. The worst, however, is when he knows an answer and won’t tell me. Instead he makes me research it myself. Can you believe that??? I simply cannot.

Proverbs 2:16-22
“Wisdom will save you from the immoral woman, from the seductive words of the promiscuous woman. She has abandoned her husband and ignores the covenant she made before God. Entering her house leads to death; it is the road to the grave. The man who visits her is doomed.”

I read this passage a few days ago and was hit by its bluntness and complete truthfulness. I don’t know what’s going on in the world, but sometimes I feel like adultery is all around us. Dustin and I have learned of a few different friends/ acquaintances who are in the ministry and have wrecked their lives because of adultery. It’s sad and painful and unbelievable. It hurts to see a happy marriage and beautiful families completely torn apart because of a stupid choice. It may have only been an instant, but that’s all it takes for us to sin and completely ruin everything that we had worked so hard to get. I am reminded that absolutely no one is immune from this temptation, including Dustin and myself. I am convinced that only by God’s help are any of us able to remain people of integrity. I try every time I think of friends or family who are married to say a quick prayer of protection for their marriage. I ask that you do the same for Dustin and I.

Dustin and I have finally got a gym membership to 24 hour fitness and i can't even describe how excited I am. They were also having a deal where you get five 25 minutes personal training sessions for only $55, what a steal!! So Dustin and I have signed up for that too. Today was our first day with the personal trainers. I met my girl at 6pm and talked through a lot of stuff like nutrition, goals, etc. She measured me in every and somewhat odd areas and gave me my body fat percentage. I am mortified to reveal it here, so I press on. At 6:45pm I attended my first class at the gym (also included in the membership), hip hop!! And it kicked my arse!! My legs are going to hurt so much tomorrow. My face was the color of a tomato b/c I was so hot. But I loved EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of it!! I miss dancing so much (I'm sure many friends will be teasing me about revealing that yet again), but it's true. I am even more elated that I can take "free" dance classes with this new membership. I have never in my life been more determined to become healthy. Every area of my life needs work and I am excited to know that I will one day be skinny. Skinny Kelli has been stuck inside of bigger Kelli for too long. NO more I say, "No more!" she screams. Other classes I will be trying out include 24 Aqua, 24 step, Dancer's workout, Pilates, and Yoga.

What I learned today was:
- Women who are eating 1700 calories a day are gaining weight. Women must eat between 1300-1500 to lose weight.
- Building muscle is where most of the weight loss comes from. So don't just focus on cardio and forget the weights.
- It's better to warm up on cardio for 5 minutes, then do a 30 minute weight set, then do the rest of your cardio.
- I need to keep a food journal for accountability and to realize what problem areas might be.
- I need to eat 5-6 meals a day in order to lose weight. John (see below) explained it like this, if a Sumo wrestler eats 1 meal a day and a body builder eats 8 meals a day, most people wanting to lose weight and remain fit need to eat 5-6 meals a day. Makes sense.
- I can expect to lose 1-2 pounds per week, which means I can lose 20 pounds by the end of April!!!!!
- There is hope for everyone!! John was the 'sales' guy who signed us up for our membership and he use to weigh 681 pounds!!! Can you believe it!! He's now around 300 and looks great. He's kind of the poster boy for 24 hour fitness. What I love about this membership is that it wasn't a skinny-from-birth little thing trying to sell me a social club. John was serious about helping us to change our lifestyle and have a higher level of life because of it.

I finally feel like the pieces are in place to make changes that I have wanted to make for so long.
I am so thankful that I have a supportive husband who is in this with me and who has never judged me, not even once. I don't know how women live with men who are critical of their weight. I say, "look at your beer gut and love handles and then you can talk to me!" My next personal training appointment is on Saturday and I wish it was right now!!

On the last note, all of my peeps out there who struggle with their weight just like I do, I must encourage you to look into whatever you can to make a change. It is worth it, your life is worth whatever money or time or inconvenience it might be. I love you, and I want you to be healthy and happy, so go, go, go!!!

I have been rereading the Harry Potter series and am struck again by the simplicity of the story. It’s a story about good vs. evil, courage, friendship, wisdom, growing into oneself, I could go on and on. I assume that everyone who has read the books loves Dumbledore. He is the older, wise voice that guides and encourages Harry to do what is right. I was struck by something that Dumbledore said to Harry about Harry missing his deceased parents. He said,

“ You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us. You think that we don’t recall them more clearly than ever in times of great trouble? Your father is alive in you, Harry, and shows himself most plainly when you have need of him.”

For all of us who have lost someone close to us, these words brings tears and comfort. Knowing that those we have loved still matter helps us to get through one more day. Knowing that in those hard and troublesome times that we are not alone helps to take the fear of the unknown away. There’s a physical finality in death, but not a spiritual one. A person who dies isn’t gone completely, their memory lives on. We can’t forget their laugh and stories and frustrations and friendship and love. What would be the point of any relationship if they were erased from our memory upon death. It’s an injustice, I believe, to forget those who are no longer living in bodily form. The justice is not in dwelling on the past, but in recognizing every individual who has touched our lives whether living or dead and using what we learned from them at just the right time.

A typical conversation of Dustin, a seminarian, and his wife.

Dustin: "So I read the dictionary today and it's soooooooooo good!"
Kelli: "Um...the dictionary? You read the dictionary?"
Dustin: "Yeah, the theological one. In fact, I even read more than I was suppose to because it's so fun."
Kelli: "Um...the dictionary? You read more than you were suppose to b/c it was 'fun'?"
Dustin: "Yeah, I might read the whole thing even though it's not required. I wish I could get the other two that go along with it so I could read them too."
Kelli: "Um...so you're wanting to read 3 dictionaries?? Who are you?"

I am officially married to the biggest nerd ever...sadly, that's what I love so much about him!!

So, I ended up having the whole day off. Dustin went into work early because the video store was so swamped today, obviously I wasn't the only ones who stayed home from work. Dustin and I took a walk around the the neighborhood. A lot of people were out and about enjoying a brisk walk like us. The streets are filled with fluffy snow. We even saw a lady getting around on skis!! It's been so long since I've seen this much snow. It really is so beautiful.

I was awoken this morning by a phone call from my boss saying that we weren't opening our office until later in the day due to the weather. Barracaded in our warm and dark "dungeon", I couldn't imagine what he was talking about. So I ran to the door, through it open, and exclaimed, "IT'S SNOWING!!!" And it's beautiful!!! Very cold, but so gorgeous. Dustin is in the shower now and we'll soon be playing in the white bliss! Pics to come!!