"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children."

My parents, who have been in Portland for 2 months, left for home yesterday. They are back in Illinois reconnecting with the other grandkids and sorting through lots and lots of mail. I miss them already. We all miss them. Gram was extra sensitive and a bit fussy yesterday. He wanted to be held a lot and wanted us by him while he played. I interpret that as missing Meme and Papa. He doesn't understand quite yet what the goings and comings of people mean. But he knows Meme and Papa. And he LOVES them.



It was so fun over the last 2 months to see Gram's relationship with my parents grow and evolve. At first, when they would arrive at the house he would continue to play or would crawl over to me, still unsure of what was going on. By the end of their trip, the minute they walked in the door he was crawling over to them, lifting up his little arms wanting to be held. He was not only reaching out to be held by Meme, but also Papa! One of the sweetest things I've ever seen was my son wanting to cuddle up with my dad...priceless.



And what an amazing feeling to see my parents absolutely delight in my child. There really is nothing like seeing someone love and delight in and cherish your little one. It warms my heart, it fills my soul, it reminds me that no matter what happens in life, I know Gram will be taken care of - all of his needs will be met, he will be provided for and he will be loved, that's all a girl could ask for.

Someone said to me upon seeing Gram and I for the first time in months that she could tell from his countenance that he was content and felt safe and was at peace. Yes!!! I can attribute some of that to having grandparents that love him. Being able to interact with older people who he can trust, people that he doesn't get to see on a regular basis, is so formative for my son. He is learning that out of sight isn't out of mind or out of love. That just because someone leaves doesn't mean they won't come back. That there really is no distance that's too far for love. Such a great lesson at such a young age.


We miss you Meme and Papa!!

A year ago today I met my son for the first time. (Wow, beginning this blog post is bringing tears to my eyes!) I will forever remember that moment (thankfully Dustin captured it in the picture above which helps the ole' memory). I am still in awe of the fact that he grew inside of me, that the little person in my arms above was living in my belly, that I "knew" him before we had officially met, that he knew me literally from the inside out.


It is an amazing experience to carry a child, to give birth, and to begin to fall in love with this little being who has altered your life forever. People talk about how much a child changes your life, how everything you know is different after you hold that tiny bundle of joy. What I didn't expect was how much I would be different. I am not and can no longer be the old Kelli. It's impossible, because I now have this incredible new relationship in my life, a person that consumes so much of me. I can't be self focused like I use to be, I am a new me. I feel like a year ago today, 3 new people were born, Dustin, Gram and myself were all born new that day. And every day since then we have been learning who we are in relation to each other. It has been the best experience of my entire life.


I looked at Gram this morning as he was playing with birthday balloons and got a bit choked up. He is just so much more than I ever dreamed. He is more wonderful, more quirky, more funny, more sweet, more cute, more smart than I had imagined. I love every day with him. Not every day is fun and easy, but every day is good. So, so good. I cannot thank God enough for not only giving me this little man, but allowing me the opportunity and desire to stay at home with him. To have so much time with him, I just love it.


And everyone was right, the time goes by so quickly. I don't think I've learned as much or grown as much in such a short amount of time before. Some of things I have learned this past year are:

1. Time really does fly by, whether you're having fun at the moment or not.
2. To enjoy those precious moments with Gram, whether at 3am or 3pm, because they don't last long.
3. Apparently, I don't need 8 hours of sleep a night! For a whole year!!
4. Gram's laugh brightens even the darkest moods.
5. Dustin is the fantastic father I knew he would be.
6. I need God's help every day to be the fantastic mom I want to be.
7. Girlfriends are like morning coffee, you gotta have them regularly.
8. My body will never be what it use to be.
9. I understand my parents so much more now that I am a mom. I want to love my children like they have loved theirs.
10. A healthy marriage is hard work, especially after having a kid, but worth the effort and the most important aspect of a healthy family.

Gram, you have changed our lives forever. We gladly accept that change for you my sweet boy. Thank you for being patient with us as we learn how to love you and care for you. You are a gift from God, entrusted to us, a responsibility we do not take lightly. We are here for you always and will always, always delight in you. Happy birthday baby, i love you.

"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things." Jer. 9:24

My heart's true desire is wrapped up in this verse...to truly know and understand my Lord. To not care about boasting in anything else, but Him alone.

The unfortunate thing is I spend my days focused on boasting about other things. The way I prioritize my time would seem to reflect that I care more about boasting about being a good mom, a good wife, a hard worker, an intelligent person, a multi-tasker, a housekeeper, a wise financial person, a cook, a crafter, a friend, a blogger. All of these things so easily crowd out my heart for the Lord, or so it seems. All of these things are good things, but without God as the center they inevitably end in disappoinment, a weary body at the end of the day, wondering if it's worth it, pride in my busy days, a look-at-me attitude.

I have said before that I don't want a busy life, but a full life. I think that's the difference in where we boast. Boasting in ourselves leads to busy lives, full of stuff that make us feel important. Boasting in the Lord leads to a full life, days centered around knowing the Lord in whatever that day may hold.

Lord help me to truly know you today, to understand who you are and who I am in you.

"Life with the God we know in Jesus Christ is lived in community with other people." Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove Dustin and I are starting a home group and will be reading the book, "The Wisdom of Stability" by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. I just finished the book yesterday and am so excited to talk through this book with others in our community. It is full of age old wisdom that seems completely new and fresh to me and is based on the idea that "stability's wisdom insists that spiritual growth depends on human beings rooting ourselves in a place on earth with other creatures." A somewhat novel thought to a girl who has moved 10 times in her life and has lived in 6 different states. I joke that I've never had to "deep clean" a place I've lived because I always move first! (Buying a house is definitely a new experience!)

Dustin and I have been in Portland for 4 years now. We LOVE Portland and know this is where God brought us. But when you follow God you never know how long He's going to keep you there. In the back of my mind, I've wondered where His next adventure might take us. Dustin and I have wondered if we see ourselves in Portland forever, if we see Gram graduating from high school here and attending a local university. For a girl on the move, it's weird to think about planting roots long term, sticking with the day in and day out of life in one place with one group of people. At the same time, the idea of raising my kids with the same community, of being there for the ups and downs of life with the same community, of loving each other through our less than ideal moments fills my heart. Especially so because I love my community.

I always assumed the grandest"spiritual" call would be to go, to go on the mission field in some other country. And for some it is. But for me, I'm beginning to think the grandest for me might be to stay, to stay to love and be loved, to forgive and be forgiven, to fight and work for what is right, and to wear my knees out in prayer for what is wrong right here, right where I am.

"Learn to love the people around you, see them with the eyes of God, and accept them as God does." Sr. Aquinata Bockmann

"He died so that I could live a victorious life, so that I could become like him and no longer be held captive to my own nature and desires but could instead break out of those for my deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help. He died so that I could live his life." Matt Mikalatos "Imaginary Jesus"

Growing up is hard. Being an adult is hard. I assumed that when I became an adult I would stop messing up, that I would never have that feeling in the pit of my stomach for hurting someone else or disappointing them. I hate that feeling. It physically makes me shake and gives me the chills every time. I'm very good at excusing away my actions, actually at having a good, well reasoned explanation for my choices. I use them to convince myself that I'm justified with each choice and have no regrets. I'm beginning to see it for what it is though...pride. I'm prideful. I like to think it's very confident, but it's pride. Regardless of how confident and secure I am in myself as a child of God and His love for me, it's no excuse for being prideful or selfish.

The quote above has me thinking that maybe I've been going about things all wrong. I've been trying to be the best Kelli that I can be rather than being Jesus. And that has changed my heart in many ways. I feel like being the best Kelli has led to pride, but being Jesus is leading to humility. I should have known that would make a big difference in my life, obviously the best Kelli is no where near Jesus. Allowing Jesus to shine his light into my dark corners and being truly honest with myself in a very real way is new for me. I thought I had allowed Jesus in there all along, but I'm realizing my attempts at honesty in the past were somewhat stale and fake. It's with that lens that I am reevaluating me, my life, relationships, etc. It's been humbling and difficult and yet I know as I process through that I will feel more free in the end.

It's exciting to begin to undercover those "deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help." Thank you Jesus for the gift of your life, for the opportunity to live as you, to renew myself in you each day.

"...I can never get away from your presence!..If I ride the wings of the morning,..even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." Psalm 139

Wow, sitting down to blog, what a treat! Life has been unusually crazy lately with Gram teething. I don't know who writes the books that say babies should only experience about a week of intense teething pain. Yeah right! We are going on 2 months! But, alas, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Praise God!! Gram has been going down much easier the last day and he even slept a 5 hour stretch last night (as opposed to up every 1 1/2 hours for the last 5 nights, ugh!). Woohoo!! Ironically, when he woke up at 4 am after the 5 hour stretch, he didn't go back to bed. That sounds about right.

So when I read this Psalm as I sat down to write, I was encouraged by the words of David. God's presence is always with me, no matter the time of day, if I've showered or not, if I have the energy of mom-of-the-year or are just barely keeping my eyes open to make sure Gram isn't harming himself - God is here with me.

I like the phrase, "If I ride the wings of the morning". Ha! What a positive way to say if I'm up at the butt crack of dawn (where did that phrase come from anyway?) I rode those wings this morning! And, thankfully, God was there with me to guide and support me, to give me the energy I needed to love Gram with his 4 am burst of energy. I think every morning for the last 10 months I been on those wings, barely holding on for sure. I wouldn't say I've been riding them, maybe a handful of times I took the reigns, but mostly I feel like I've been riding cause I have to, because I love Gram and that's what it takes. Gram wants to ride the wings of the morning again and again and so I go along, to guide and support him just as God is guiding and supporting me.

I feel like since having a kid I have a new understanding of God and his love for me. I have a new understanding of free will and grace, forgiveness and discipline, answered prayer and his silent voice. I have a new understanding of myself as a child of God, what I put him through with my rebellious whims, his hand helping to guide my curiosity and learning, the joy he must feel just being a part of my life, warts and all. Whatever I feel towards Gram, I imagine God feeling that way towards me times 100, and my heart bursts. Nothing particularly amazing is happening in me spiritually, just peace and thankfulness for God's unconditional love which is new every morning.

Maybe I do feel liking going for a ride.

Dustin and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary last week. It was a great day! Dustin asked what I wanted to do special for our anniversary and I said, "Go see a movie!!" Funny how what use to be such a simple activity is now a treat. Thanks to friends we got to see a movie and have dinner together, just like the old times. =)

The old times...it seems like so long ago that it was just Dustin and I. Every day was about just us. We had a lot of good quality time together, time to make each laugh, time for lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles, time to talk about anything and nothing, time to love and feel loved. We came so easy for each other I think. Our personalities are so much alike that, honestly, marriage hasn't been as difficult as I know it is for some couples. We mesh really well together and so, without a ton of effort, we happened well.

We have realized, though, that more effort is needed for our marriage now that little Gram has entered our lives. It takes more effort to be us when there's the sweetest, cutest little person around all the time, taking our attention and affection, which we gladly give! It's hard to not have as many moments together, moments for just us, moments to focus solely on the other, to give our attention and affection completely. It's hard. It takes so much intentionality, it doesn't come as easy any more.

What I've also realized anew is that there's nothing greater worth fighting for. Nothing that I want to work harder for. I love my husband. This past year I have loved him in a new way, as a father. I love seeing him with Gram, making Gram laugh hysterically, cuddled up with Gram on the couch napping, feeding Gram at the dinner table, and especially changing Gram's stinky diapers! Do men know how sexy it is to be a father?

But I don't want to forget why I feel in love with Dustin or how I have loved him more and more each year we've been married. I love Dustin because he makes me laugh like no one else in the whole world, he knows how to lift my spirits in the hard times and to make life light again. I love Dustin because he loves Jesus and he has given his whole life to following Him and helping others to do the same. I love Dustin because he loves to learn and is constantly challenging me to grow. I love Dustin because he loves my quirks, I think he thinks I'm the funniest person in the whole world and I love that! I love Dustin because he has such a sensitive and truthful heart. I love Dustin because he is hard working and a man of integrity. I love Dustin because he would do anything for our family, for me. I trust him more than I have trusted any one. He has never given me one reason to not trust him or to doubt his love for me. He is one of the most steadfast people I know and I admire him more and more each year.

This year, like the last 4, I feel priveledged to be Dustin's wife. I don't know how God orchestrated Dustin falling in love with me, but I am and will be forever grateful. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to share life with. In the midst of a group of people, he continues to be the person I want to be hanging around with, the man I want coming home with me at night, the one person I would choose to be stranded on an island with. You're it Dustin!

I love you....forever.

Happy Anniversary.

Anyone who's been keeping up with me lately knows that I have been consumed the last 9 months with Gram's non-existant sleeping patterns. I have gone back and forth about how to train him to sleep through the night, or the very least not want to eat throughout the night. I have read article after article and talked to countless moms about this issue. In my more sleep deprived moments, I have been convinced that I shouldn't let one more night pass with feeding him every few hours. In my rested moments, I can't imagine not giving him whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I had a bit of a revelation this past weekend. While it's hard night after night to wake up every 3 hours, I realized that Gram is already 9 months old! And I won't have these moments forever. These 9 months have flew by and in another 9 months Gram won't be nursing anymore and will probably be more into Dad instead of me. So I want to enjoy these 3 am feedings, those quiet, intimate moments that I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.

This mom thing has been so much more amazing than I ever dreamed of. I don't want to forget that throughout my days and nights. I want Gram to know that I love being with him any time of the day or night. So, I'm choosing to not worry/ freak out about his night wakings. I continue to pray for patience and strength and rest to care for him in my sleep deprived moments. And although I tend to feel a bit guilty about taking naps during the day, maybe they should be a regular part of my weeks during this season of life. I do love naps!

As I write this I am feeling very tired, physically drained from lack of sleep, but so energized by this little man growling next to me. And so I say....Grrrrrr!!!!

"Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace." Luke 1:78-79

I have been feeling lately a bit...out of whack- definitely not at peace. Gram isn't sleeping well so I've been tired. I haven't made sitting down and writing or reflecting a priority. I've wanted to start eating better and exercising most days that hasn't happened. The weather here has been so dreary in the mornings, not at all like summer. But mainly, I haven't taken the time to connect with Jesus. And I'm feeling it, feeling disheveled and all around blah. I hate feeling like that. And I hate when I miss Jesus because there's no reason for it.

I have a picture in my mind of who I want to be and what I want my days to look like, but I'm not doing all I can to get there. That bums me out. And I'm feeling super negative. I want this blog post to be hopeful but so far it feels depressing. Ugh.

So I just keep reading this verse over and over again, comforted by the picture of the morning light breaking upon me. I need that right now. I need the morning light of God's love and hope to break through my dreary, overcast mood and show me peace. I need the light of God to expose those dark places within me. I need to feel the warmth of that light penetrate the cold in my heart and mind. I'm thankful God is willing to break through.

Break through Lord,
Shower me with your mercy,
Light up my life and
Bring your peace.

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak." Gen. 32:24

Dustin spoke about the story of Jacob wrestling with God yesterday. He talked about Jacob looking for blessing in many different places like from his father and his wife Rachel, yet never finding the acceptance and confidence he was looking for. He talked about how Jacob, on his way to ask forgiveness from his brother Esau, sent everyone ahead and remained alone, probably to reflect on the mistakes he had made in the past, probably preparing to be killed by his brother, maybe even hoping for one last chance to talk to God....

He was left alone and he wrestled. This blog has been my small attempt to be left alone and wrestle. I can so easily move through my days on auto pilot, going through the routine of dishes and laundry and hanging out with great people and playing with Gram and fixing dinner and laughing with Dustin - all good things...GREAT things in fact. But they are easy to do day after day without ever reflecting on their significance or God's role in them. It's easy for me to stay in this sort of shallow place, the land where everything is fine and good, no ups or downs, just a flat open road for my auto pilot.

This is especially easy to do when life is busy. And why is life so busy? (Blog post for another day!) So this was a good reminder for me to blog, to be left alone and reflect, to wrestle with God, to truly look at myself, to look at what God is doing in and around me, to notice and think and feel. Who knew that could be so hard?

So thinking about Jacob's story, I'm pondering where I look for my acceptance, whose blessing I am trying so desperately to obtain, and why being left alone with God often comes in last place. I hope to have more thoughts to share on this later. But for now, I ponder. I invite you to do the same.

"We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. And since we died with Christ we know we will also live with him. We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead, and he will never die again. Death no longer has any power over him. When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus."
Romans 6:6-11

As Christ followers, I think we underestimate the power of Jesus in our lives. I know I do. We overlook who He is and the what He has already done in our lives. We lose hope, not convinced that He can do again and again what He has already done before. Whether perpetual or new, our sin often defines us...at least in our minds. We think, subconsciously perhaps, that we will always be our sin. Saying to ourselves something like,
But it's lies. Complete un-truth. The Truth is Jesus has changed all of that. Our relationship with Him has power, amazing and unending power, if we allow it to work in our lives - if we continue day after day to allow him into our hearts, to burn away the sin with his pure love and hope and forgiveness.

I have to be reminded again and again that I am dead to the power of sin and alive in Christ. I am alive because Jesus loves me. Jesus loves me. The real truth is
Jesus loves us as we are and showers us with himself so that we don't want any more to stay that way. So that we see a new way to live, a new tomorrow, hope for a life with less and less sin and more and more Jesus.

Sometimes I think I don't realize what "living with Jesus" really means. Let's say you're an orphan, living in a land where no one will take you in. You wonder the dirty streets scraping for food, trying to find a warm place to sleep at night, not really trusting anyone because you've been taken advantage of too many times, and bored most of the time. And then one day you meet Jesus. Jesus welcomes you into his home. He provides you with shelter, food, and most importantly love. He calls you his child and you become part of his family. Not only do you now have a secure life, you have purpose. This family you've been adopted into is in the street cleaning business. You know first hand how dirty the streets can be and you always thought "If I could just make the streets a little bit cleaner, orphans like me would have a better place to survive." So here you are, cleaning up the streets, coming home to a loving family with your belly full. How different is your life!? How much better has your Father made it? So much! There are moments, however, when you're tempted to think, "I'm just a dirty orphan." How wrong would you be? In the midst of your warm home, full belly, and loving arms of family, you couldn't be more wrong!

And that's what we do, we forget where we're living. We forget what we have been redeemed from and will be redeemed from tomorrow and the next and the next. Jesus isn't going to send us back out onto the streets. We could choose to go back, but that's our choice not his. We can choose to leave the loving family and go back to the dirty streets. And we do, don't we? Sometimes it's hard to fully believe that Jesus is for real, that He really does want us, baggage and all. But He does. He does!!

I'm remembering today what Jesus has done in my life. I'm thanking him for the sin he has redeemed me from, for the love he gives me every day and for the hope he provides for tomorrow.

Remember with me.

"'Lord, to whom would we go? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe, and we know you are the Holy One of God.'" John 6:68

I have been feeling lately an overwhelming thankfulness and need for Sunday morning sermons. I have had weekly sermons in my life for...my whole life! They have been a regular part of my years, year after year after year. You might think at some point I would get tired of them. There have been moments, I won't lie, but overall, I have been reminded regularly of the power of these times - times to sit and let God speak to me.

The church, in all its flaws and strengths, is after all God's plan. I realize how we Americans hold church isn't THE way for everyone, but I have come to love and depend on it. There's something so powerful about gathering together with other people to hear from and worship the Creator. There's power in being in a room filled with people who are trying to figure things out just like I am. People who struggle and hurt, people who rejoice and love, people who have been made in the image of God and who seek to be the image of Christ. There's power in our humanity coming to our Creator, bringing all of that- all of who we are, both the good and bad, the questions and doubts and worry, the joy and gratitude and devotion- to the God who made heaven and earth and yet who chose and chooses all of our days to come near to us, to meet us where we're at in life, to listen and love.

We have been hearing from the book of Proverbs the last few Sundays and this past Sunday Chris preached about conflict. It was just what I needed to hear. I have felt that I need to be more honest in my life lately, which inevitably will lead to some kind of conflict. I appreciated hearing what God's word had to say about it. After all, I can either handle conflict in a healthy and biblical way, or I can handle it like..well..me and destroy relationships and mess things up. Without God's word preached into my life, that's what happens...I happen! =) Even if I have a really great idea, it's not better than God's idea. I need his wisdom and guidance to form my thoughts because left to myself my thoughts aren't good. They are selfish and destructive and just plain stupid. But hearing from God on a regular basis combats all that. Christ's teachings teach me a better way, not just for my sake but for the sake of my husband and child, my friends and family, my co-workers and even perfect strangers. All are affected by the way I choose to live my life, that's no small matter and one that I don't take lightly. One that I want to set aside time to focus on regularly, at the bare minimum one day a week for a few hours.

I have been thinking lately what my life would look like without our weekly church gatherings. What would it be like to have Sunday morning to do whatever with? It would probably be just like another Saturday (which isn't necessarily a bad thing!) But Saturdays in my life have been known to be about me (which also isn't necessarily a bad thing) It's a time to relax and do nothing if that's what I want. Maybe go hiking or do yard work or hang with friends. Or just watch TV all day (pre-kid that is!) All good things. Saturdays usually aren't a time of reflection, they aren't a time for me to listen and learn and be challenged and give thanks. Saturdays are too lazy for that. I need Sundays. I need intentional time that, regardless of how I'm feeling that day or what kind of craziness Gram is being, I need that regular time to come and sit at the feet of Jesus. I need that time of taking a break from all the good things God has given me and focus on Him who is Good.

It's not easy though, especially with a kid. Wow, so hard to concentrate on Sunday mornings. But I'm learning, I'm learning how to glean as much as I can from what's being said. I'm learning that even if I hear 5 minutes of the sermon in between feeding, changing, and keeping Gram quiet, I've heard something and can reflect on that.

I don't say this because I'm the wife of a pastor. My being married to a pastor is one of God's little jokes. I had prayed specifically in college to NOT marry a pastor. Look who has a sense of humor! But God knew my heart better than I did. He knew that deep down I loved His church. He knew I need her in my life so much. Sometimes I wonder if those who are called to ministry are called because they need His church more than anyone! They aren't the most well but the most sick! =) (I'm sure ministers will love to hear that!)

Just like Peter replied when Jesus asked if he was going to leave, where would I go Lord? Where would I go on Sunday mornings that's more beneficial to me than church? Who would I go to for purpose and hope in life if not the Creator? How else would I spend my time if not striving every day to live like the Savior of the world? Nothing else compares. No one else comes even close. Sunday mornings is where it's at.

"One of the great temptations of the spiritual life is to believe that if I were in another season of life, I could be more spiritual. The truth is that spiritual transformation takes place as we embrace the challenges and opportunities associated with each season of our life." Ruth Haley Barton in "Sacred Rhythms" I have found myself thinking this very thing pretty much every year since graduating from christian college. First it was grad school that kept me too busy, then marriage didn't allow for quiet time, and now with a kid..well..forget about it. A newborn is the ultimate excuse to neglect self reflection all the while crying out to God DAILY for help with seemingly mundane tasks like sleeping, eating, and crying. Why is that I assume if I don't have "quiet time" then I'm not spending time with God? Yet I'm asking him multiple times a day for help, or praising Him for little things in my life, like the precious little fingers that are wrapped around mine.

Being a mom has helped me to redefine my own spirituality and time with God. I have realized that, yes, I still need "quiet time" in a sense, time to sit with just God, time to reflect, time to pray for others, time that allows me to be me, warts and all. But mostly, I've learned that God wants more than just that time. He wants all my time. He wants to be with me while I do dishes and nurse Gram and weed the garden. That has been the most freeing realization. I've known this, but actually putting it into practice has been...like home. It's like having your best friend with you all the time (which is so fun!). It's like having Gandolph (times a billion!) always around guiding and protecting.

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't make everything easy. It doesn't make soothing a crying baby easy. I still struggle with feeling like "Mom Jeans: No longer a woman - a mom!" (SNL). God by my side doesn't take away... life. But He makes it so, so full. He makes it character building (instead of character demolishing). Most times, in the midst of dirty diapers and a dirty house, He makes it feel like the greatest place on earth. Like spending my days in my humble abode is better than any mansion or tropical paradise or mountain top that exists. (Of course I wouldn't mind visiting those at some point! Every girl needs a vacation!) Praise God!

"Many people say, 'Who will show us better times?' Let your face smile on us, Lord. You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you along, O Lord, will keep me safe." Psalm 4:6-8

Ephesians 5:1-2
"Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God."

We read this Scripture last night at home group. I don't remember ever reading it before. But it was a great reminder of how I want to live my life. What I want my days to reflect. Dustin said something last night in the prayer - something to the affect of at the end of this year may our character reflect more of Christ than it does right now. Coupled with this Scripture, I was left wondering, is my character more in line with Christ right now than it was a year ago or 5 years ago? Have I seen growth in myself? I should probably ask my husband as he sees me most clearly day in and day out. I know there are things that I want to change about myself, but have I changed them? I know the person I want to be, but am I her?

I guess this was a good reminder for me that although my days are made up of little things, they all lead to something bigger...who I am. Regardless of how I feel about said little things during the day, what I do with them matters and really is the foundation of my character.

In "The Practice of the Presence of God" the Abbot of Beaumont says of Brother Lawrence
"That the most excellent method he had found of going to God was that of doing our common business without any view of pleasing men, and (as far as we are capable) purely for the love of God."
and
"That our sanctification did not depend upon changing our works, but in doing that for God's sake, which we commonly do for our own."

I love that God cares about the little things in my life. I have hope in life at all because He is present with me in those little things and in the big. He is with me at 3 am when Gram is crying and He is with me at 3 pm when I am knee deep in dishes and laundry and dust bunnies. He is with me as I am a mom to Gram, a wife to Dustin, a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker. He is with me and He is calling me to love in all of those things. To love...seems easy. But He is with me when it's hard and confusing and I'm not for sure how to do it enough or well.

He is with me and He is enough. When I don't have the strength or energy or motivation to do anything for myself or for others, I can do it for Him. I should do it for Him. Out of gratitude for all that Christ has done for me, the least that I can do is change stinky diapers with a joyful heart.

I've been tired lately, very, very tired. Gram is 6 months old and still waking often in the night. Dustin and I are realizing that now is the time to "lay down the law", so to speak, and teach him to go back to sleep on his own. So I know the nights ahead will be long and hard and more tiresome. However, the light at the end of the tunnel has never seemed brighter or sweeter...the thought of sleeping 8 hours a night regularly brings tears to my eyes! It's time. It's time for Gram to wean off of night feedings, it's time for me to sleep again, it's time. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Please pray for us. Pray for Gram. He's...what you would call...a strong willed one. He wants what he wants. I'm seeing a bit of a change in him though, a maturity of sorts, so I think he's ready for this as well. Any suggestions or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated! =)

I'm a stay at home mom, which means I don't have to dedicate 8 or more hours a day away from my home and family to another job. So why do I feel like I can't fit everything in? I feel like some days are filled the way I want them to be and others aren't. I still feel at the end of the week that I could have done more things, spent time with more people, blogged more, reflected more, read more, cleaned more, exercised more, cooked more, prayed more, loved more. What I have never felt, though, is that I wish I had spent more time with Gram. He is my priority every day and I feel like I have such great quality time with him. That must mean I'm doing something right...right?

Last night I went to bed at 7:15pm and got up today at 7:30am. Much needed hours of rest (minus the 4 times I was up with Gram in the night). I want to make exercise a regular part of my days, but it's hard, it's hard when I feel so unrested to feel like I have the energy for it. I know exercising would give me more energy, but often times after I take a walk I'm super exhausted later in the day, just waiting for Gram to go down for a nap so I can lay down as well. I look forward to the next phase, the phase where I am getting rest at night so I can spend my days with energy.

I feel like this post is a downer. I'm not feeling down, just tired. The good news is Gram second tooth has broke through, yeah!! So the nights are sure to get better after the last week of pure craziness. Teething? What a pain in the arse!

Randomness..concluded.

Psalm 15

¹ LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

² He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart....

He who does these things
will never be shaken.

My resolution for this year is to be more honest. Typically, I'm a sugar-coater. It's hard for me to be completely honest with people sometimes for fear of offending them or hurting their feelings. So, I often sugarcoat my feelings or brush something aside as if it's not that big of a deal, when in fact I think it's a big deal or atleast a deal. This is hard for me because I'm a people pleaser, I want everyone to like me and to think I'm nice and kind and encouraging. And I still want that to be the case, but more than that I want to be someone who speaks the truth. I know people who are so good at speaking the truth into someone's life even when it's hard. I admire their tact and honesty and commitment to love people enough to say things others might not want to hear but need to hear. I want to be like them.

Speaking the truth isn't just about being more honest with others, the heart of it is that I need to be more honest with myself. I need to acknowledge when I've been hurt or when I've hurt someone else more often. I need to be willing to hear truth in my own life as well, which is hard.

One reason I feel the need to make this change right now is because I want to be able to be honest with Gram. I want him to grow up in a home where he can be honest with me and Dustin about how he's feeling and we can be honest with him. I want to be a family of open communicators. I feel like I need to learn that skill before I can teach him.

I guess this post is inviting you to be honest with me and be ready for me to be honest with you!

Wow, it has been so long. I'm realizing when I have guests blogging probably isn't going to happen. Finding time and interest to be on the computer is slim to none.

My mom and grandma have been visiting from Illinois. They leave tomorrow which is sad because I like to hang with my family, but it's always kind of nice to get back to a regular routine. We visited Multnomah Falls today. This is a pic of me and grandma and Gram. Gram was all tucked in his seat, so cute.

I love driving out to the gorge, it's just so beautiful. I'm excited to take Gram hiking this summer, to strap him on and show him all the beautiful waterfalls and trees and blue skies. I hope he loves to hike like we do. After a year of not doing much physically, I hope we still love to hike!

So, yesterday was my birthday, 31! Last year I was pregnant with Gram when I turned 30. It was such a momentous birthday, turning 30 plus being pregnant with my first child. This year was MUCH less momentous and yet completely rewarding, mainly cause I got to hang with my little guy and awesome husband. I definitely know that birthdays will never be the same now that I'm a mom. My day was filled with fun stuff, but not completely relaxing stuff (I REALLY needed a nap today!). Thanks to Facebook, I got tons of birthday wishes, so sweet. My husband made me a delicious meal, yum-o! All in all, good day.

My birthday as a mom also makes me feel a bit older. I've never really felt "older" on my birthdays, but this year I do a little bit and I think it's because I'm a mom. Now that I have a child of my own, I'm in another category of peoplehood...the parent category. That means as the years pass I get less cooler, I start saying cheesy things, and I start acting like my mom, who is a GRANDMA....so weird!!! I'm ok with the changes, it's a part of life, and the change has come because of Gram, the best reason to change.

So, here's to 31! Goals for this year:
1. To be the best mom I can be.
2. To love my husband faithfully.
3. To open my heart and mind to God's leading more consistently.
4. To stay in touch with family and friends more
5. To find joy in the small things.

So, I've started reading the book "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and it's good, really, really good. Shane has been living in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Philly for the last few years in an intentional community house that seeks to share the love of Jesus with their neighbors, both those with and without homes. Books like this are always inspiring. They remind me to look outside of myself and love Jesus and others more. Reading this book is extremely timely. My heart has been moving in this direction - towards finding some way to love the unloved. I feel so blessed right now, I feel thankful to be a stay at home mom, to have an amazing little baby and husband, to have a wonderful church community that supports and challenges me. I honestly feel like I have it all. Praise God!

I guess I'm feeling like I have something to offer though and something to sacrifice. I don't want these years to go by and solely focus on my family, although I have every right to do that. I feel that there is space, though, space for something else, some thing that stretches me, some thing that causes me to trust Jesus more and more (as if having a kid hasn't done that already, right?!!), some thing that I will be able to look back on years from now and know that this time wasn't just spent doing laundry and meeting friends for coffee, but that I devoted time to pursuing Jesus in a way that wasn't about me. I don't know if I'm expressing myself adequately right now and I hope I'm not offending any other stay at home moms. I only know what I feel and I feel like God is calling me to some thing. What that thing is...I don't know yet. I'm praying God reveals it before I finish the book!

I'll keep you posted.

My new rule for posting is that Sunday is my Sabbath. No posting on Sundays. It's so nice to not have to open up my computer for a whole day. As a stay-at-home mom, there are times when HAVING to open my computer is a pain and times when NOT HAVING to open my computer is a pain.

In this case, Sundays are for everything non-virtual.

Monday post to come later.