It's weird to be writing my second post of the year reflecting on the death of a loved one. My uncle Donny Warner died suddenly on Friday, and quite honestly, I'm hoping this post helps me to process this loss. It's so, so difficult to be away from family during this time. I wish I was there to mourn with them and love them. It's hard to not get to share my hurting heart with theirs. It's hard to not be able to give my Grandma a hug, a hug that says I can't imagine what you are feeling having just lost your second son.

My uncle Donny was one of my favorite relatives. He was one of the most generous servants I have ever known. Ironically, he and his twin brother Danny both died from hearts that just stopped. Two men with hearts bigger and stronger than I have ever seen. Hearts for family and friends that went beyond duty or obligation, hearts that were loyal and kind and hard working. It's just weird how life turns out, and weirder how death happens.

My uncle Donny loved his children and grandchildren more than life itself. I know their hurt is so, so deep right now. And my heart is with them. I know they are feeling lost, as I would had I lost a parent. My prayers are for them to continue one day at a time.

My uncle Donny and aunt Carol Ann visited me in both Florida and Oregon, and I loved their visits. They always cared so much about me and what was going on with my life. I cherish those memories.

My mom has now lost 2 brothers, and life is different now. Life changes when one of us leave it. Our family will never be the same without my uncle Donny. I know this is not what she expected. I know this is not what my aunt Carol Ann expected. My heart is with them...no matter the distance, always with them.

Uncle Donny, I pray you are with Uncle Danny and Grandpa Jack right now. I pray there was a joyous reunion, which I know you have been waiting for for many years. We will be reunited one day... but in the meantime, you are dearly missed.

I'm blogging at 4am, been up since 2am when I was awoke by Gram laughing in his sleep. Quite a contrast from the cries that use to awaken us in the night, a much embraced contrast!

I was sitting on my couch this evening with my feet up and a book in my hand listening to the sweet giggles coming from Gram's room during bedtime routine with dad. I sat there soaking it all in, our living room, the dark night and warm glow of our lights inside, a kitchen cleaned after a good meal, and my two favorite guys giggling in the next room before bed. This is what I have been thinking about in the middle of the night after being awoke by dreaming laughs. I can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of contentment and gratitude, I can't get back to sleep because of it. I am utterly humbled at all God has chosen to give me and at who he has chosen to give me.

It's been about 5 months now that Dustin has been doing the bedtime routine with Gram and putting him to bed. After 18 months of nursing Gram and putting him down, I have gladly given this over to Dustin and Dustin has even more gladly and gaily accepted. Gram's bedtime routine includes reading books with dad right before night-nights. Every night is a little different in that there's no set amount of books that Gram and Dustin read together. Some nights Gram can hardly get through 1 book before he points to the crib and says, "night-nights". Dustin obliges with an "I love you bud, night-nights" and puts him to bed. Other nights Gram seems to delaying the inevitable with more books even though he is so tired. Those nights Dustin says, "just one more book bud and then night-nights." Gram obliges and is carried to his crib with an "I love you bud, night-nights." But some nights are like tonight, when both Gram and Dustin want to sit, cuddling in the rocker, pointing to and talking about each page in each book. There's no hurry, just delight in spending time together. I admit that on the nights when Dustin is at a meeting and I read with Gram, I find myself wanting to hurry through bedtime routine so I can get him down and have some time to myself. But Dustin, he doesn't do that, he savors each moment with Gram. He truly delights in his son.

What is on my mind tonight that I can't seem to shake is how amazing of a dad my husband is. Those of us who knew Dustin before he was dad often thought, "What kind of dad will Dustin be?" Dustin wasn't the kind of guy that flocked to babies or had kids flock to him necessarily. He had only held 1 or 2 babies before Gram came along! I didn't know what kind of dad Dustin would be, but I knew he would be a good dad. I knew he would surprise us. However, I greatly underestimated his skills as a father and have realized over these last months that Dustin is a great dad, a really, really great dad.

I knew that I would be a good mom. I love babies and have looked forward to this time in my life for a very long time. But I learn weekly from my husband what it means to be a godly parent, what it means to guide, correct and love with patience and intention. As I laid in bed tonight I just felt deeply grateful for the man who sleeps next to me night after night. For his for love me and our son (and the one on the way!) that comes from the very depth of who he is.

And so, I have no doubt that Gram was dreaming about his dad tonight. He could have been laughing at Dustin eating his head like a zebra (a notion totally made up by Dustin!), or kissing him in the small of his neck, or chasing him around the house, or pretending to drop the book, all things that Gram loves to do with his dad.

Sweet dreams, my boy, sweet dreams.

"The rituals just seemed to stop, like all the other natural endings- such as the last time one of the boys crawled into bed with us, or I carried them on my hip, or saw them naked, even. Such moments evaporate so quietly that you don't realize it's the last time until long afterward."

I'm reading this book called, "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman" by Joan Anderson. She is writing about her experience to not move with her husband when he accepted a new job and to, instead, spend a year in their Cape Cod cottage, basically trying to figure out now that her kids were out of the house and married what she wanted out of life. It's been a good read so far. I empathize with her, knowing that I could very well feel as she feels 20 years from now. I don't want to feel like she does, but I can understand how easily it is for women, in particular, to spend their whole lives managing their households that we forget to be us, to maintain our sense of self and purpose outside of our family.

This passage in particular really hit me because I've been feeling a bit of the same lately. Gram is almost 2 and, wow, how the time has flown. The days, however....they have not flown. And that's why this passage hit me. Because many days I feel like I am just trying to make it through the day with Gram, trying to meet his needs and keep crying/tantrums to a minimum. But I don't want to just make it through the days. Because one day I'll wake up and I won't have those days...the days of nightly baths and feet pajamas, the days of cuddles when he's tired or hurt himself, the days of pure elation when I come home from being gone, the days of "mom, mom, mom" in his sweet voice, the days of him wanting me to be with him all the time, of choosing me above anyone else. Those days won't be here forever. I don't want to push them along. I want to savor them. I want to savor this time with my baby boy.

But I also need to make time for myself, time which does not include watching TV or reading Facebook. I need meaningful time, time to read and write, time to pray and reflect, time to have adult conversations with those I love, time for silence and rest.

So this is where I'm at, trying to find the balance of savoring my time with Gram as well as carving out time for myself. I get the feeling this will be my challenge for the next 20 years, which is ok. I accept this challenge as opposed to the alternative, completely giving into serving my family at the expense of myself and feeling like I lost 20 years of my life. Life is so short, I want those 20 years to be meaningful to myself and to my family. I know it's possible. I know God has equipped me for it. I depend on Him to see me through.

As I seek to reconnect with God this Lent season, I am trying to steal away a few moments this morning to do just that. The Scripture I am reading for today is cutting right to my heart.

Isaiah 58: 1-12 (The Message)

^1-3 "Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what's wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They're busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?'
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
'Why do we fast and you don't look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?'

^3-5"Well, here's why:

"The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won't get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, God, would like?

^6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'

^9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

"Many people say, 'Who will show us better times?' Let your face smile on us, Lord. You have given me greater joy that those who have abundant harvests of grain and new wine. In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, O Lord, will keep me safe." Psalm 4:6-8

Nine days ago my grandfather passed away. Walter Kell Lashbrook was just shy of 90 years old. We had the funeral last Saturday and buried him on Monday in the Moores Ridge cemetary in French Lick, Indiana where a whole host of Lashbrooks lie. This time has been emotional for so many reasons. Primarily and obviously, it has been hard to know that grandpa is gone. He will be missed by so many. He had been living in a nursing home this past year and he brought so much joy to those around him. All the staff loved him dearly, they loved his smile and his interest in being a part of whatever was going on. He loved to be around people, even when he couldn't see and couldn't hear very well. There were times when you didn't know if he really knew what was going on, when his speech was slurred and difficult for him to get out, and then out of nowhere he'd make a statement as clear and thoughtful as ever. My parents tell a story of a time that they went to visit him and he suddenly exclaimed, "Lisa, you have boots on!" (My mom was wearing boots with a skirt, apparently shocking and funny to my grandpa.) And when my grandmother arrived, he couldn't wait to tell her, "Eldeana, did you see that Lisa has boots on!" Such a silly guy.

I don't know if my age or the fact that I'm a mom now has contributed to this emotional time, but the reality of death has been heavy on my heart - the fleetingness of this life. While 90 years is quite a long time to live, for me, it's not enough. There wasn't enough time with grandpa. I didn't get to hear all I wanted from him. I didn't get to share all I wanted with him. My grandma is having a really hard time, which is understandable. However, her grief is so overwhelming to her that she wants to join my grandpa. They were married 68 years....68!!! That seems SO LONG to be with someone. And yet it wasn't enough, grandma wants more time.

I'm learning so much about my grandpa and love hearing stories about him, even if I've heard them a hundred times before. Grandpa Walt was in World War II and earned a purple heart. His battalion was instrumental in securing the way for General Patton to cross into Germany, the beginning of the end for Hitler. The story goes that he had a friend also named Walter that he served with. Word came back that Walter had died and they thought it was my grandpa. For weeks my grandma thought her husband was dead. I can't imagine the joy she felt when she got word he is alive!! Yet, the heartache she felt for the wife of the other Walter. It has dawned on me that grandpa alone wasn't spared during his years overseas. We were all spared. I would not exist had he been killed. Gram would not exist had he been killed. Little did he know that he, alone, wasn't saved, we were all saved. That's so humbling. To know that 50 years before I was born, God was ensuring my life through the dedication of a soldier.

Honestly, it's also been hard to know that the torch is being past, so to speak, and one day I will have to pass it on as well. My time will come when I will face death. And my hope is that I do it with the strength and peace of my grandpa. Although I know that grandpa's eternal life isn't over, that he is with Jesus, that I will see him again (Praise God!), it's been hard to see past the ugliness of death. The logistics of dying are ugly. I am so thankful to the many people who cared for grandpa to the very end. I'm thankful for all the family that surrounded him on his death bed. I'm thankful that as he took his last breath, the hands of his two sons were on him, loving and releasing him, assuring him that it was ok, that there was nothing to be afraid of, that what awaited him on the other side was better than what he was leaving, that they would be reunited again one day.

And so life is going on without grandpa. My memories of him are sweet, so, so sweet. My brother and I were his only grandkids, and he LOVED us, and showed us every chance he got. He was always up to do whatever we wanted to do. We would play hide-and-seek in his basement when we were younger. He would slip us dollar bills from his money clip without my grandma knowing. He fixed the best scrambled eggs. He loved sweets and never, ever passed up a piece of pie. He loved my grandma and was so proud of his two sons. He loved Jesus and enjoyed serving His church. He was the kindest man I've ever met. No one ever had a bad thing to say about Walt. Quite a legacy.

I love you Grandpa. I take comfort in knowing this isn't really goodbye, more like 'see you later'. I pray that when I join you my legacy is a reflection of yours, my character one you would be proud of.

I have been thinking about friendships lately, actually for the past year or so. I've been contemplating what it means to be a good friend and what I want out of my friendships. But mostly, I've been considering how to have friendships during this time of my life, and more importantly, how to maintain my friendships for a lifetime. Is that even possible?

Is it possible to have life long friends? I have moved so much in my life. I remember my friends from each new place I have lived, memories of relationships long gone. To think of that happening again in my life, having to move on from my current friendships and start again breaks my heart. I don't want to continue to make new friends for the rest of my life, I want friendships that are for life. Friendships that stand the test of time, that weather the storms together, that celebrate the big and little joys of life together, friends who are known inside and out. I want accountability and honesty, unconditional and tough love. I want friends who are closer than a brother, relationships that enhance even the dreariest of days.

I want friends who are not of the past but of the present and future. Relationships that I know will be an active part of my life twenty years from now. What I am realizing, reluctantly, is that time often doesn't allow for these kinds of relationships. Time, of all things. I can go a month or more without talking to friends who I hold so dear to my heart. Hard days and days will pass without talking to the people I know can lighten my load. Most of us don't have time for a lot of close friends. But we do have time for some. It's those some that I miss.

It's hard to maintain these close friendships when we live in different parts of town (or country!), when we send our kids to different schools, when we attend different churches, when those things that take up time in our lives aren't able to be shared, relationships suffer. Loneliness creeps in and the void appears ever so large, an expanse uncrossable.

Are close friendships seasonal? The kind of friends that share our every day life. Is it inevitable that people drift apart eventually? That once what bonded us so has passed, we've each moved on to something else, bonded with someone else. I guess this post is coming from a place of realizing I have so many amazing friends in my life, friends that I don't get enough time with, friends that I want more of, friendships that Time is thwarting. Damn you Time.

I have never really realized the utter freedom that will be felt when Time is banished. When we have eternity to spend with our loved ones, forever to enjoy the company of the One and ones who we love so dearly. I eagerly anticipate the days that have no end, when time stands still and precious moments are allowed to linger and linger in the company of friends.

Whispers of a coming love fill my ears, whispers of a love so true and pure. I anxiously await, I can hardly contain my excitement and fear of the One who will transform my life and change the world. I know not how to speak of the One except with love. I have not seen, I do not know and yet I am filled with love for He who is to come. No more blood offering, for he is the ultimate sacrifice that washes away the sins of the world, that promises to make all things new.

"The Biblical view of things is resurrection- not a future that is just a consolation for the life we never had but a restoration of the life you always wanted. This means that every horrible thing that ever happened will not only be undone and repaired but will in some way make the eventual glory and joy even greater." (Tim Keller, "The Reason for God")

Preparing for the Advent season this year has got me thinking of hope. After all, isn't that what makes the waiting bearable, hope. I can think of no greater hope than the profound truth of the quote above. This realization of the true nature of heaven and earth has rocked my world. This notion of restoration- that God's work from the beginning has been the renewal of this earth, not the ultimate destruction of it in the end- is Hope with a capital H. This truth- that heaven isn't a consolation for the all the terrible things God has "put us through", but rather heaven is God restoring those terrible things, making sense out of it all, giving us in the end what He and I both have always wanted- brings tears to my eyes, a smile to my face, and, quite frankly, a big sigh of relief.

Growing up I was taught the idea that heaven was a consolation to this life. That this evil and ugly world would eventually be destroyed and we would be taken up into the sky where heaven existed amidst the fluffy clouds and bright sun. I'm not for sure why heaven and earth are portrayed that way, maybe this is the idea that makes the most sense to children and is the easiest way of explaining heaven to them. Maybe, but I don't think so. I think this is a very popular idea of heaven and earth, one that many adults (including myself up until a few years ago) still hold today. It's a nice idea, but quite empty in the end. I don't know, I guess it seems wasteful to me. I mean, a whole earth burned up in the end, really? What a waste.

It makes more sense to me, knowing our Creator, that he would want to restore this earth. That heaven would be brought down and would include the resurrected earth. My small mind is still trying to wrap itself around this gigantic truth, but what a thing to ponder, what a truth to wrap around us, what hope to live in every day.

Advent begins tomorrow. The waiting begins. I'm reminded, yet again, how much is worth waiting for.

"What can I offer the Lord for all He has done for me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and praise the Lord's name for saving me. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of all his people." Psalm 116:12-14

I was commenting to Dustin the other night that I never expected how much self discovery I would experience as an adult, especially in my 30's. This is probably going to sound very prideful (and I think it was/is), but in my 20's I really thought I had it all together. Sure I had my shortcomings, but they were tiny and manageable and didn't tend to affect my relationships all THAT much. I was confident that most decisions I made were the right ones and my actions were always justified in my mind. My intentions were good of course, my heart pure...for the most part.

I don't know what it is that is bringing about this sense of self discovery, self reflection, and self adjustment. But it's blowing my mind a bit and so very humbling. Maybe it's marriage. Dustin and I have been married 5 years now, we have a kid, and well, the honeymoon is over to be quite honest. Warts and bruises have emerged and I am learning how to love and be loved in their midst. We have experienced some valleys and I have come out on the other side changed. Being so close to Dustin for so long has rubbed off, fortunately. His love has caused change in me.

Maybe it's becoming a parent. I want the absolute best for Gram and I know that means I need to model the best for him. Come to find out I don't always choose what's best for me, who would have thought?

Maybe it's my community. In the past four years, I feel like I have seen honesty modeled in a way that I never have before. These people that I worship with week after week are teaching me so much about what it means to be honest with myself, honest with those around me, and honest with God. I have seen really hard stuff be brought to light and handled in a mature, loving and God-honoring way. I have heard sermons preached challenging me to follow Jesus with my whole being and through my entire life. I have loved the unloving and I have been loved when I have been unloving. I have seen God show up time and time again reminding us all that He is present with us, especially in the seemingly dark and lonely times.

Maybe it's me. So much has happened in my life in the past 10 years, I am a different person today than I was 10 years ago. Why does that surprise me? Did I really want to remain the same my whole life? No. Did I really think I didn't have any more growing to do? Of course not. I guess I'm just now discovering the weight and expanse of that growth. I'm realizing how imperfect I am, how much work there is to be done in my heart and mind, and how much I desperately need God's help.

What I do know that has never changed and will never change is that God has been so good to me. He is so gracious with us, isn't He? Praise God! He is so patient and loving and forgiving. He truly is Abba, Father, a lap I can always curl up in, a hand I can always hold (no matter how old I am), eyes that always see me, and an honest smile always looking down on me. Thank you Lord for your honest smile.

I want so badly to write something amazing right now. I feel like I rarely get the chance to sit quietly, uninterrupted for any length of time, with just me, my thoughts and my keyboard. So here I am, waiting for my thoughts to pour forth, waiting for all that has been crammed inside to be vomited out. Instead, I’m blank. Well, not completely blank. The magazines across the way keep catching my eye. What do I care about Max’s The Bootcamp Issue, or Lindsay Lohan on the cover of Vanity Fair? And yet my eyes continue to travel and gaze. Bummer…let down…dumb.

I also can’t keep my eyes off of the mother and her son who are having a go at it in the coffee shop. The son is probably 9 years old. I’ve only caught snippets, but what I can gather is he isn’t wanting to do something that he’s committed to doing. And the mom is trying to teach him/ explain to him how lame that is, how disrespectful that is to someone he cares about to bail on them. He’s cried, he’s crawled onto her lap, she’s given him a back rub all in the midst of talking through this lesson. Apparently, she didn’t convince him of his error, he’s sticking to his guns, so she finally played the mom card, and is insisting that he go even though he has a bad attitude about it. Ah, parenting!

Here I thought I was going to spend the afternoon thinking about something NOT related to Gram, but all I can think about is what just played out before me. I’m evaluating how well I think the mom handled the situation (I’ve concluded brilliantly), how I might handle that same situation, the conviction and yet calm in which she was schooling him. How his tears didn’t break her resolve, and yet how her arms were always open for him to crawl up into. Quite a beautiful picture of parenting, actually. They have gone, but I wish I could have let her know that I was impressed, that she is doing a great job, that I wasn’t staring to be rude or make her feel self-conscious, that I’d actually love to talk to her about what it’s been like to raise this boy.

Dustin and I are discovering regularly that we are no longer simply caretakers of Gram, we have officially entered the parenting stage. Tantrums, though fairly mild, have begun, the word “No” is used pretty frequently, and we find ourselves clapping for the simplest of achievements (“Where’s doggie Gram?”). I love that Gram is a mama’s boy and I pray that continues throughout his life, even when Dad is so much cooler and more fun to be with. I pray for wisdom and discernment for those moments of tough love. I’m excited to celebrate all of Gram’s accomplishments, no matter how small.

In all honesty, parenting scares and excites me. I’m nervous for the hard lessons that we will have to let Gram experience and yet excited to get to pass on whatever wisdom we have been taught. I’m excited to see his sweet personality continue to develop, for him to learn respect and courage and loyalty. I’m excited to tell him about Jesus, for him to pray for those he loves, for him to discover his own tender heart.

I guess right now I’m not really in the mood to reflect on the past or process anything. Rather, I’m anticipating the future, I’m pondering the present, and I’m loving the opportunity to sit in this coffee shop alone and cherish these things in my heart.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

As I think about these words I see myself so small, looking up to you, my eyes transfixed on you. You kneel down to me, you dust me off and make me clean. Your heart with all compassion and love reaches to me without an action, without words, I feel you. I watch for you and see you and feel you. Your love reaches me from so high to way down; you stoop to be near me. My eyes light up and there is night all around but my Lord has come.

"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children."

My parents, who have been in Portland for 2 months, left for home yesterday. They are back in Illinois reconnecting with the other grandkids and sorting through lots and lots of mail. I miss them already. We all miss them. Gram was extra sensitive and a bit fussy yesterday. He wanted to be held a lot and wanted us by him while he played. I interpret that as missing Meme and Papa. He doesn't understand quite yet what the goings and comings of people mean. But he knows Meme and Papa. And he LOVES them.



It was so fun over the last 2 months to see Gram's relationship with my parents grow and evolve. At first, when they would arrive at the house he would continue to play or would crawl over to me, still unsure of what was going on. By the end of their trip, the minute they walked in the door he was crawling over to them, lifting up his little arms wanting to be held. He was not only reaching out to be held by Meme, but also Papa! One of the sweetest things I've ever seen was my son wanting to cuddle up with my dad...priceless.



And what an amazing feeling to see my parents absolutely delight in my child. There really is nothing like seeing someone love and delight in and cherish your little one. It warms my heart, it fills my soul, it reminds me that no matter what happens in life, I know Gram will be taken care of - all of his needs will be met, he will be provided for and he will be loved, that's all a girl could ask for.

Someone said to me upon seeing Gram and I for the first time in months that she could tell from his countenance that he was content and felt safe and was at peace. Yes!!! I can attribute some of that to having grandparents that love him. Being able to interact with older people who he can trust, people that he doesn't get to see on a regular basis, is so formative for my son. He is learning that out of sight isn't out of mind or out of love. That just because someone leaves doesn't mean they won't come back. That there really is no distance that's too far for love. Such a great lesson at such a young age.


We miss you Meme and Papa!!

A year ago today I met my son for the first time. (Wow, beginning this blog post is bringing tears to my eyes!) I will forever remember that moment (thankfully Dustin captured it in the picture above which helps the ole' memory). I am still in awe of the fact that he grew inside of me, that the little person in my arms above was living in my belly, that I "knew" him before we had officially met, that he knew me literally from the inside out.


It is an amazing experience to carry a child, to give birth, and to begin to fall in love with this little being who has altered your life forever. People talk about how much a child changes your life, how everything you know is different after you hold that tiny bundle of joy. What I didn't expect was how much I would be different. I am not and can no longer be the old Kelli. It's impossible, because I now have this incredible new relationship in my life, a person that consumes so much of me. I can't be self focused like I use to be, I am a new me. I feel like a year ago today, 3 new people were born, Dustin, Gram and myself were all born new that day. And every day since then we have been learning who we are in relation to each other. It has been the best experience of my entire life.


I looked at Gram this morning as he was playing with birthday balloons and got a bit choked up. He is just so much more than I ever dreamed. He is more wonderful, more quirky, more funny, more sweet, more cute, more smart than I had imagined. I love every day with him. Not every day is fun and easy, but every day is good. So, so good. I cannot thank God enough for not only giving me this little man, but allowing me the opportunity and desire to stay at home with him. To have so much time with him, I just love it.


And everyone was right, the time goes by so quickly. I don't think I've learned as much or grown as much in such a short amount of time before. Some of things I have learned this past year are:

1. Time really does fly by, whether you're having fun at the moment or not.
2. To enjoy those precious moments with Gram, whether at 3am or 3pm, because they don't last long.
3. Apparently, I don't need 8 hours of sleep a night! For a whole year!!
4. Gram's laugh brightens even the darkest moods.
5. Dustin is the fantastic father I knew he would be.
6. I need God's help every day to be the fantastic mom I want to be.
7. Girlfriends are like morning coffee, you gotta have them regularly.
8. My body will never be what it use to be.
9. I understand my parents so much more now that I am a mom. I want to love my children like they have loved theirs.
10. A healthy marriage is hard work, especially after having a kid, but worth the effort and the most important aspect of a healthy family.

Gram, you have changed our lives forever. We gladly accept that change for you my sweet boy. Thank you for being patient with us as we learn how to love you and care for you. You are a gift from God, entrusted to us, a responsibility we do not take lightly. We are here for you always and will always, always delight in you. Happy birthday baby, i love you.

"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the Lord who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things." Jer. 9:24

My heart's true desire is wrapped up in this verse...to truly know and understand my Lord. To not care about boasting in anything else, but Him alone.

The unfortunate thing is I spend my days focused on boasting about other things. The way I prioritize my time would seem to reflect that I care more about boasting about being a good mom, a good wife, a hard worker, an intelligent person, a multi-tasker, a housekeeper, a wise financial person, a cook, a crafter, a friend, a blogger. All of these things so easily crowd out my heart for the Lord, or so it seems. All of these things are good things, but without God as the center they inevitably end in disappoinment, a weary body at the end of the day, wondering if it's worth it, pride in my busy days, a look-at-me attitude.

I have said before that I don't want a busy life, but a full life. I think that's the difference in where we boast. Boasting in ourselves leads to busy lives, full of stuff that make us feel important. Boasting in the Lord leads to a full life, days centered around knowing the Lord in whatever that day may hold.

Lord help me to truly know you today, to understand who you are and who I am in you.

"Life with the God we know in Jesus Christ is lived in community with other people." Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove Dustin and I are starting a home group and will be reading the book, "The Wisdom of Stability" by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. I just finished the book yesterday and am so excited to talk through this book with others in our community. It is full of age old wisdom that seems completely new and fresh to me and is based on the idea that "stability's wisdom insists that spiritual growth depends on human beings rooting ourselves in a place on earth with other creatures." A somewhat novel thought to a girl who has moved 10 times in her life and has lived in 6 different states. I joke that I've never had to "deep clean" a place I've lived because I always move first! (Buying a house is definitely a new experience!)

Dustin and I have been in Portland for 4 years now. We LOVE Portland and know this is where God brought us. But when you follow God you never know how long He's going to keep you there. In the back of my mind, I've wondered where His next adventure might take us. Dustin and I have wondered if we see ourselves in Portland forever, if we see Gram graduating from high school here and attending a local university. For a girl on the move, it's weird to think about planting roots long term, sticking with the day in and day out of life in one place with one group of people. At the same time, the idea of raising my kids with the same community, of being there for the ups and downs of life with the same community, of loving each other through our less than ideal moments fills my heart. Especially so because I love my community.

I always assumed the grandest"spiritual" call would be to go, to go on the mission field in some other country. And for some it is. But for me, I'm beginning to think the grandest for me might be to stay, to stay to love and be loved, to forgive and be forgiven, to fight and work for what is right, and to wear my knees out in prayer for what is wrong right here, right where I am.

"Learn to love the people around you, see them with the eyes of God, and accept them as God does." Sr. Aquinata Bockmann

"He died so that I could live a victorious life, so that I could become like him and no longer be held captive to my own nature and desires but could instead break out of those for my deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help. He died so that I could live his life." Matt Mikalatos "Imaginary Jesus"

Growing up is hard. Being an adult is hard. I assumed that when I became an adult I would stop messing up, that I would never have that feeling in the pit of my stomach for hurting someone else or disappointing them. I hate that feeling. It physically makes me shake and gives me the chills every time. I'm very good at excusing away my actions, actually at having a good, well reasoned explanation for my choices. I use them to convince myself that I'm justified with each choice and have no regrets. I'm beginning to see it for what it is though...pride. I'm prideful. I like to think it's very confident, but it's pride. Regardless of how confident and secure I am in myself as a child of God and His love for me, it's no excuse for being prideful or selfish.

The quote above has me thinking that maybe I've been going about things all wrong. I've been trying to be the best Kelli that I can be rather than being Jesus. And that has changed my heart in many ways. I feel like being the best Kelli has led to pride, but being Jesus is leading to humility. I should have known that would make a big difference in my life, obviously the best Kelli is no where near Jesus. Allowing Jesus to shine his light into my dark corners and being truly honest with myself in a very real way is new for me. I thought I had allowed Jesus in there all along, but I'm realizing my attempts at honesty in the past were somewhat stale and fake. It's with that lens that I am reevaluating me, my life, relationships, etc. It's been humbling and difficult and yet I know as I process through that I will feel more free in the end.

It's exciting to begin to undercover those "deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help." Thank you Jesus for the gift of your life, for the opportunity to live as you, to renew myself in you each day.

"...I can never get away from your presence!..If I ride the wings of the morning,..even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." Psalm 139

Wow, sitting down to blog, what a treat! Life has been unusually crazy lately with Gram teething. I don't know who writes the books that say babies should only experience about a week of intense teething pain. Yeah right! We are going on 2 months! But, alas, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Praise God!! Gram has been going down much easier the last day and he even slept a 5 hour stretch last night (as opposed to up every 1 1/2 hours for the last 5 nights, ugh!). Woohoo!! Ironically, when he woke up at 4 am after the 5 hour stretch, he didn't go back to bed. That sounds about right.

So when I read this Psalm as I sat down to write, I was encouraged by the words of David. God's presence is always with me, no matter the time of day, if I've showered or not, if I have the energy of mom-of-the-year or are just barely keeping my eyes open to make sure Gram isn't harming himself - God is here with me.

I like the phrase, "If I ride the wings of the morning". Ha! What a positive way to say if I'm up at the butt crack of dawn (where did that phrase come from anyway?) I rode those wings this morning! And, thankfully, God was there with me to guide and support me, to give me the energy I needed to love Gram with his 4 am burst of energy. I think every morning for the last 10 months I been on those wings, barely holding on for sure. I wouldn't say I've been riding them, maybe a handful of times I took the reigns, but mostly I feel like I've been riding cause I have to, because I love Gram and that's what it takes. Gram wants to ride the wings of the morning again and again and so I go along, to guide and support him just as God is guiding and supporting me.

I feel like since having a kid I have a new understanding of God and his love for me. I have a new understanding of free will and grace, forgiveness and discipline, answered prayer and his silent voice. I have a new understanding of myself as a child of God, what I put him through with my rebellious whims, his hand helping to guide my curiosity and learning, the joy he must feel just being a part of my life, warts and all. Whatever I feel towards Gram, I imagine God feeling that way towards me times 100, and my heart bursts. Nothing particularly amazing is happening in me spiritually, just peace and thankfulness for God's unconditional love which is new every morning.

Maybe I do feel liking going for a ride.

Dustin and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary last week. It was a great day! Dustin asked what I wanted to do special for our anniversary and I said, "Go see a movie!!" Funny how what use to be such a simple activity is now a treat. Thanks to friends we got to see a movie and have dinner together, just like the old times. =)

The old times...it seems like so long ago that it was just Dustin and I. Every day was about just us. We had a lot of good quality time together, time to make each laugh, time for lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles, time to talk about anything and nothing, time to love and feel loved. We came so easy for each other I think. Our personalities are so much alike that, honestly, marriage hasn't been as difficult as I know it is for some couples. We mesh really well together and so, without a ton of effort, we happened well.

We have realized, though, that more effort is needed for our marriage now that little Gram has entered our lives. It takes more effort to be us when there's the sweetest, cutest little person around all the time, taking our attention and affection, which we gladly give! It's hard to not have as many moments together, moments for just us, moments to focus solely on the other, to give our attention and affection completely. It's hard. It takes so much intentionality, it doesn't come as easy any more.

What I've also realized anew is that there's nothing greater worth fighting for. Nothing that I want to work harder for. I love my husband. This past year I have loved him in a new way, as a father. I love seeing him with Gram, making Gram laugh hysterically, cuddled up with Gram on the couch napping, feeding Gram at the dinner table, and especially changing Gram's stinky diapers! Do men know how sexy it is to be a father?

But I don't want to forget why I feel in love with Dustin or how I have loved him more and more each year we've been married. I love Dustin because he makes me laugh like no one else in the whole world, he knows how to lift my spirits in the hard times and to make life light again. I love Dustin because he loves Jesus and he has given his whole life to following Him and helping others to do the same. I love Dustin because he loves to learn and is constantly challenging me to grow. I love Dustin because he loves my quirks, I think he thinks I'm the funniest person in the whole world and I love that! I love Dustin because he has such a sensitive and truthful heart. I love Dustin because he is hard working and a man of integrity. I love Dustin because he would do anything for our family, for me. I trust him more than I have trusted any one. He has never given me one reason to not trust him or to doubt his love for me. He is one of the most steadfast people I know and I admire him more and more each year.

This year, like the last 4, I feel priveledged to be Dustin's wife. I don't know how God orchestrated Dustin falling in love with me, but I am and will be forever grateful. I couldn't have asked for a better partner to share life with. In the midst of a group of people, he continues to be the person I want to be hanging around with, the man I want coming home with me at night, the one person I would choose to be stranded on an island with. You're it Dustin!

I love you....forever.

Happy Anniversary.

Anyone who's been keeping up with me lately knows that I have been consumed the last 9 months with Gram's non-existant sleeping patterns. I have gone back and forth about how to train him to sleep through the night, or the very least not want to eat throughout the night. I have read article after article and talked to countless moms about this issue. In my more sleep deprived moments, I have been convinced that I shouldn't let one more night pass with feeding him every few hours. In my rested moments, I can't imagine not giving him whatever he wants whenever he wants.

I had a bit of a revelation this past weekend. While it's hard night after night to wake up every 3 hours, I realized that Gram is already 9 months old! And I won't have these moments forever. These 9 months have flew by and in another 9 months Gram won't be nursing anymore and will probably be more into Dad instead of me. So I want to enjoy these 3 am feedings, those quiet, intimate moments that I will cherish in my heart for the rest of my life.

This mom thing has been so much more amazing than I ever dreamed of. I don't want to forget that throughout my days and nights. I want Gram to know that I love being with him any time of the day or night. So, I'm choosing to not worry/ freak out about his night wakings. I continue to pray for patience and strength and rest to care for him in my sleep deprived moments. And although I tend to feel a bit guilty about taking naps during the day, maybe they should be a regular part of my weeks during this season of life. I do love naps!

As I write this I am feeling very tired, physically drained from lack of sleep, but so energized by this little man growling next to me. And so I say....Grrrrrr!!!!