"The rituals just seemed to stop, like all the other natural endings- such as the last time one of the boys crawled into bed with us, or I carried them on my hip, or saw them naked, even. Such moments evaporate so quietly that you don't realize it's the last time until long afterward."
I'm reading this book called, "A Year by the Sea: Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman" by Joan Anderson. She is writing about her experience to not move with her husband when he accepted a new job and to, instead, spend a year in their Cape Cod cottage, basically trying to figure out now that her kids were out of the house and married what she wanted out of life. It's been a good read so far. I empathize with her, knowing that I could very well feel as she feels 20 years from now. I don't want to feel like she does, but I can understand how easily it is for women, in particular, to spend their whole lives managing their households that we forget to be us, to maintain our sense of self and purpose outside of our family.
This passage in particular really hit me because I've been feeling a bit of the same lately. Gram is almost 2 and, wow, how the time has flown. The days, however....they have not flown. And that's why this passage hit me. Because many days I feel like I am just trying to make it through the day with Gram, trying to meet his needs and keep crying/tantrums to a minimum. But I don't want to just make it through the days. Because one day I'll wake up and I won't have those days...the days of nightly baths and feet pajamas, the days of cuddles when he's tired or hurt himself, the days of pure elation when I come home from being gone, the days of "mom, mom, mom" in his sweet voice, the days of him wanting me to be with him all the time, of choosing me above anyone else. Those days won't be here forever. I don't want to push them along. I want to savor them. I want to savor this time with my baby boy.
But I also need to make time for myself, time which does not include watching TV or reading Facebook. I need meaningful time, time to read and write, time to pray and reflect, time to have adult conversations with those I love, time for silence and rest.
So this is where I'm at, trying to find the balance of savoring my time with Gram as well as carving out time for myself. I get the feeling this will be my challenge for the next 20 years, which is ok. I accept this challenge as opposed to the alternative, completely giving into serving my family at the expense of myself and feeling like I lost 20 years of my life. Life is so short, I want those 20 years to be meaningful to myself and to my family. I know it's possible. I know God has equipped me for it. I depend on Him to see me through.
