Tuesday night, Gram is with Meme and Papa and Dustin is at class. The whole night is mine. Knowing myself, I've committed to sitting at a coffee shop for the duration of the evening, keeping myself away from home which tempts me with mind-numbing TV and housework. No, this time is just for me. Wow, it's been so long. It's hard to not include mind-numbing TV and housework in the things that I want to do when I have free time. Honestly, typically, that is what I do. Either veg out or catch up. Sigh.
Right now I'm feeling a bit soul-less. That sounds so awful, I know, but I'm not for sure how else to describe my insides right now. Life is good, but I'm quite blah. Part of this feeling is coming from feeling VERY pregnant right now. Physically, I'm out of breath, I have heartburn no matter what I eat (including cereal, weird!), I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable and my mind refuses to calm down, my husband has been sleeping in a chair for the last 6 weeks and I miss him in bed. Mostly, this soul-less feeling is from not finding the time or desire to focus on myself, even more to focus on God, to spend time with Him, to let him talk to me, to let myself talk to Him. Why do I do this to myself? I know what the problem is and yet I don't make the time to change it. Well, that's what tonight is all about. Changing my soul. Sigh.
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." (2 Peter 1:5-8 NIV)
I started a Bible Reading Plan for 2012, today is Jan. 18th and I'm 11 days behind. Ugh. This verse was part of the reading plan and it struck me. It struck me that I feel ineffective and unproductive in my relationship with Jesus, in my relationship with others, in my service to His Kingdom. I hate feeling that way, like I'm wasting my days, like I'm going through the motions for my family but me, personally, is wasting away a bit. I don't want to sound dramatic and as I re-read this, it kind of sounds that way. I'm trying to be honest with myself, I'm trying to take the time to reflect, to understand what's really going on with me. So I can change. So I can stop the cycle, so I can hopefully move away from feeling like this. And this is the first step, sitting here alone in the coffee shop, with no expectations of myself but to write and reflect and move towards Jesus. It feels nice. Deep breath.
I've written out my goals for 2012. 8 goals total, 2 for each of 4 categories: Financial, Personal, Marital, and Parenting. My personal goals are: Write more, spend more quality time with God. They sound pretty simple, but they mean so much to my soul. It's through writing that I do spend quality time with God, so they kind of go hand in hand. Through writing, I find my heart, mind and soul which ultimately leads to God. Simple and specific. Exciting.
I'm looking through my journal, reminding myself of what God has done and is doing in my life. Even though I feel a bit soul-less and blah right now. I know God is working in my life, and this is proof.
Date Unknown: Reflection on Acts 6-8: Because I am a part of God's redemptive community I...
- am learning what it means to truly seek forgiveness and honestly grant it.
- am learning what it means to be transparent with myself and those closest to me and to live an honest life.
- am learning what it means to play my part in loving the community- to do no more and no less than what God calls me to.
- am learning that showing up each Sunday is worth the effort.
- am learning these people that I see week after week are part of my family, I rejoice when they rejoice and mourn when they mourn, and feel the loss when even one leaves.
- am learning that God is powerful enough to redeem even the most seemingly hopeless situations.
- am learning that I need this community as a regular part of my life, they keep me grounded and challenged and loved.
- feel closer to God.
I can say that this past year has been one of the hardest and yet most rewarding years of my life. I anticipate 2012 will be more of the same. Two boys this year! Hard and rewarding, for sure. Dustin leading Evergreen and in school. Hard and rewarding. And...me, what's for me this year. What does 2012 have for Kelli specifically? Not in regards to kids or husband, what can I personally look forward to? What can I pursue? These are the questions I need to answer. Finding these answers will help me not feel as I feel right now a year from now, soul-less, blah and lost.
