I've mentioned before how caught off guard I have been about what it takes to run a household with two kids. Maybe it's Pinterest or Facebook or any of the other multitude of blogs/ websites of really amazing moms/wives/women who seem to be running their households in some pretty amazing ways. Not only do they seem to be organized and creative, their homes are clean with homemade cleaners and their dinners are delicious and well balanced every night. Most of these women are completely honest about their stuggles as well, but it's still intimidating. It still makes me feel like I'm always trying to catch up, to keep up I suppose.
What I have realized is that I need a new way of thinking about my household and my days. My perspective is often focused on keeping up, trying to get ahead (yeah right!), and just make it through this time of exhausted craziness. However, that way of thinking leaves me feeling behind all the time. My perspective needs to be - this is life now. These are my days. Life is about cleaning and playing and cooking and more playing and teaching/molding and loving and shopping and saving and projects and all the rest that goes into raising two little boys and living as a family of four and well, being an adult. Life isn't happening outside of these things, it IS these things.
I need to let go of that selfish part of my past life that I am subconsciously clinging to. The past life where I could sleep in and watch 4 episodes of my favorite show and have ice cream for dinner. The thing is, I miss those things, I miss that part of my past life. I miss the feeling of a day full of nothing to do and no responsibility, the carefreeness of being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it.
It's been over 3 years now that I've been a mom and I still feel the tug-of-war inside me, selfish vs. sacrificial. Does that feeling ever go away? How can I feel at the very same time that I just want to do what I want to do and yet get up hour after hour throughout night after night to rock and snuggle and comfort my little guy? These seem to be polar opposite feelings and yet they both reside inside me.
The choice to live sacrificially is one that is made day after day, hour after hour. This make Jesus' sacrifice for us all that more amazing. He didn't just make the choice once, he made it day after day, heartbreaking hour after hour and he continues to make it to this day. I exhaust Him, I'm sure. My sin and pettiness and selfishness wear on His heart because He knows I am more than that. I am more than my weakest moments, and it is He who carries me through. It is He who has over these last 3 years kept me going when I was exhausted. It is He who wrapped His arms around me and my boy both as we rocked and snuggled in the dark nights. It is He who gets me out of bed with each cry heard from the other room. It is He, He who has given me every good thing, who creates good things out of struggles, who makes strength out of weakness.
It is because of Him that I am a mom, and even more His doing when I do it well. May I focus on you, Jesus, in the midst of exhaustion, trusting you to transform my selfishness into sacrifice.
