Psalm 15

¹ LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

² He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart....

He who does these things
will never be shaken.

My resolution for this year is to be more honest. Typically, I'm a sugar-coater. It's hard for me to be completely honest with people sometimes for fear of offending them or hurting their feelings. So, I often sugarcoat my feelings or brush something aside as if it's not that big of a deal, when in fact I think it's a big deal or atleast a deal. This is hard for me because I'm a people pleaser, I want everyone to like me and to think I'm nice and kind and encouraging. And I still want that to be the case, but more than that I want to be someone who speaks the truth. I know people who are so good at speaking the truth into someone's life even when it's hard. I admire their tact and honesty and commitment to love people enough to say things others might not want to hear but need to hear. I want to be like them.

Speaking the truth isn't just about being more honest with others, the heart of it is that I need to be more honest with myself. I need to acknowledge when I've been hurt or when I've hurt someone else more often. I need to be willing to hear truth in my own life as well, which is hard.

One reason I feel the need to make this change right now is because I want to be able to be honest with Gram. I want him to grow up in a home where he can be honest with me and Dustin about how he's feeling and we can be honest with him. I want to be a family of open communicators. I feel like I need to learn that skill before I can teach him.

I guess this post is inviting you to be honest with me and be ready for me to be honest with you!

Wow, it has been so long. I'm realizing when I have guests blogging probably isn't going to happen. Finding time and interest to be on the computer is slim to none.

My mom and grandma have been visiting from Illinois. They leave tomorrow which is sad because I like to hang with my family, but it's always kind of nice to get back to a regular routine. We visited Multnomah Falls today. This is a pic of me and grandma and Gram. Gram was all tucked in his seat, so cute.

I love driving out to the gorge, it's just so beautiful. I'm excited to take Gram hiking this summer, to strap him on and show him all the beautiful waterfalls and trees and blue skies. I hope he loves to hike like we do. After a year of not doing much physically, I hope we still love to hike!

So, yesterday was my birthday, 31! Last year I was pregnant with Gram when I turned 30. It was such a momentous birthday, turning 30 plus being pregnant with my first child. This year was MUCH less momentous and yet completely rewarding, mainly cause I got to hang with my little guy and awesome husband. I definitely know that birthdays will never be the same now that I'm a mom. My day was filled with fun stuff, but not completely relaxing stuff (I REALLY needed a nap today!). Thanks to Facebook, I got tons of birthday wishes, so sweet. My husband made me a delicious meal, yum-o! All in all, good day.

My birthday as a mom also makes me feel a bit older. I've never really felt "older" on my birthdays, but this year I do a little bit and I think it's because I'm a mom. Now that I have a child of my own, I'm in another category of peoplehood...the parent category. That means as the years pass I get less cooler, I start saying cheesy things, and I start acting like my mom, who is a GRANDMA....so weird!!! I'm ok with the changes, it's a part of life, and the change has come because of Gram, the best reason to change.

So, here's to 31! Goals for this year:
1. To be the best mom I can be.
2. To love my husband faithfully.
3. To open my heart and mind to God's leading more consistently.
4. To stay in touch with family and friends more
5. To find joy in the small things.

So, I've started reading the book "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and it's good, really, really good. Shane has been living in one of the poorest neighborhoods in Philly for the last few years in an intentional community house that seeks to share the love of Jesus with their neighbors, both those with and without homes. Books like this are always inspiring. They remind me to look outside of myself and love Jesus and others more. Reading this book is extremely timely. My heart has been moving in this direction - towards finding some way to love the unloved. I feel so blessed right now, I feel thankful to be a stay at home mom, to have an amazing little baby and husband, to have a wonderful church community that supports and challenges me. I honestly feel like I have it all. Praise God!

I guess I'm feeling like I have something to offer though and something to sacrifice. I don't want these years to go by and solely focus on my family, although I have every right to do that. I feel that there is space, though, space for something else, some thing that stretches me, some thing that causes me to trust Jesus more and more (as if having a kid hasn't done that already, right?!!), some thing that I will be able to look back on years from now and know that this time wasn't just spent doing laundry and meeting friends for coffee, but that I devoted time to pursuing Jesus in a way that wasn't about me. I don't know if I'm expressing myself adequately right now and I hope I'm not offending any other stay at home moms. I only know what I feel and I feel like God is calling me to some thing. What that thing is...I don't know yet. I'm praying God reveals it before I finish the book!

I'll keep you posted.

My new rule for posting is that Sunday is my Sabbath. No posting on Sundays. It's so nice to not have to open up my computer for a whole day. As a stay-at-home mom, there are times when HAVING to open my computer is a pain and times when NOT HAVING to open my computer is a pain.

In this case, Sundays are for everything non-virtual.

Monday post to come later.

(This picture wasn't taken tonight, but it has all of us ladies in it. Gram was so tiny here!)

Song of Songs 7:10
"I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me."

I LOVE my husband. I love, love, love Dustin Bagby. I can't get enough of him these days, actually I never could get enough of him. From the moment I became friends with Dustin I wanted to be with him all the time. Dating long distance made me want to spend more and more time with him. After getting married I thought maybe I would get tired of being with him day in and day out, but that has yet to happen.

(By the way, right now Dustin is in the other room rationally explaining to Gram why he needs to sleep in until 7:30 tomorrow morning.. you know..because it's Saturday and it's a day off. I can only imagine what Gram's face looks like!)

I digress, these days time with Dustin is...different. Well, it's shared mainly - shared with Gram, the love of both of our lives. We don't get as much quality time together. It's been an adjustment, a somewhat hard adjustment at times. To be real honest, it's hard for me to share Dustin sometimes because I love his love so much, I want it all for myself! With Gram, however, it's been different. I love to sit and watch Dustin with Gram, I love to listen to Dustin's growls and Gram's laughter, I love to see Dustin be so silly and Gram completely eat it up. Quality time with Dustin now often includes quality time with Gram. And I'm perfectly happy about that.

However, we still need time just the two of us. I most feel the effects of not living near family during the times when I miss Dustin the most, knowing that I can't schedule the grandparents to babysit Gram on a weekly basis giving us a regular date night, or call them up last minute so we can have a quiet cup of coffee together. I was really feeling disconnected and completely exhausted after last week, I knew I needed some good ol' Dusty time.

Thanks to Mallory, she watched Gram on Monday morning for a few hours so Dustin and I could hang out. I had no idea how much this time together would help rejuvenate and strengthen me, but that's what it did. Gram hasn't been sleeping the greatest this week, but I don't care. I feel like I have all of this energy now, just from a few quality hours with my hubby. Praise God!

I have just been reminded how important our marriage relationship is, how important it is to keep it healthy and alive for the sanity of both of us and Gram. I was reminded of how perfect Dustin is for me, how he revives me when I'm at my wits end, how he makes me laugh when I feel like crying, how (all cheesiness aside) he really does complete me. I am thankful to have him in my life every moment of every day. I'm thankful he's Gram's dad. I'm thankful he loves me more than anyone else in the whole world. I'm thankful for my beloved, thankful that he is mine and I am his.

D. Herrold
"Babies are such a great way to start people."

This quote was given to me by Tara at my baby shower and I just love it. Having a baby has been the hardest thing I've ever done both physically and emotionally. There are times that I feel like Gram's cuteness is the only thing getting me through a sleepless night. It's his amazing smile and big eyes that make waking up at 5:45am after just a few hours of sleep not that big of a deal. I can't get mad at the kid cause he's so darn cute!!

His personality is beginning to come out more and more. It's so fun to see him find what he likes or doesn't like, to make him laugh and get so excited by kicking his feet ferociously. Some of my favorite Gram traits:

1. When you help him to stand up he gets a BIG smile on his face and he just looks so proud of himself. It's adorable!2. When he sits on my lap, he'll turn and look up at me with his sweet eyes, as if to make sure I was still the one holding him.
3. His kisses!! Open mouth and slobbery, sweet.
4. He loves looking at our living room curtains. He gets so excited when we hold him up close to them and, again, kicks his feet ferociously.
5. He talks to lights. All the time. Loves to talk to lights. So weird.
6. He loves, loves, loves to smile and laugh. Warms my heart every time. Can't get enough of it!!



I look forward to getting to know him more, to learning what makes him who he is, to seeing traits that are similar to Dustin and I and others that are just all Gram.

Proverbs 17:17
"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."

I have been incredibly blessed to have loyal friends - friends from high school, college, and post college, friends pre-parenting and post-parenting, friends in every part of the United States, friends who make my days memorable, the past pleasant to reflect on and the future hopeful, a few friends I consider family.
Jaime is one such friend. Jaime is my best friend in the whole world and the only sister I've ever known. We met in college and have been attached ever since. We have lived in the same town and across the country from each other. Together we have experienced singleness, married life, and now motherhood. Jaime has been one of my most loyal friends, and I honestly believe she was born to help in times of need. She has been an encourager, jokester, comforter, and confidant. She has been, is, and always will be a loyal friend and part of my family.

I feel like God has blessed our friendship is more ways than I can count. I think the biggest blessing He has given us is experiencing motherhood together. Even though she lives in Florida and I'm thousands of miles away in Oregon, we are bonded once again through this new adventure. As if motherhood wasn't hard or rewarding enough with one, Jaime got two! Twins! Zaya and Chase, whom I consider my niece and nephew, two babies that I am just dying to meet.


Not only have I got to experience Jaime as a loyal friend and sister, I now get to experience her as a great mom. She continues to inspire and amaze me. Her whole life has been that way, actually. A testament to God's goodness and redemption, an example of His promises fulfilled

I miss my best friend and sister. If I could have any wish right now, I would wish to be with her. To watch her love her babies, to introduce her to my little man, to go through the ups and downs of our days together, to make each other laugh when we want to cry, to make each other lunch when we're exhausted, and to witness the beauty of Zaya and Chases' smiles.

One day, friend, one day.

Psalm 149:4
"For the Lord takes delight in his people..."

I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm with Gram all day, every day. Not counting the times he's asleep, I am with him approximately 10 hours out of every day. That's a lot of time with someone else. I'll admit, there are times when I need a break. But mostly, I can't get enough of him. I can't look at him enough, touch him enough, kiss and hug him enough, or laugh with him enough. There are many times throughout the day that I look at him and feel like I'm seeing him for the very first time, I am THAT amazed at him. Amazed at his beautiful dark eyes, amazed at all his dark hair, amazed at the rolls on his legs, amazed at his perfect button nose, amazed at the back of his neck, fingers and toes. I feel like I could watch him forever and never get bored or tired.

Gram is starting to sit up by himself. So I'll sit behind him with my legs on each side to keep him from toppling to one side or the other. I'll hold toys in front of him and watch him play. I was struck today as I was gazing into the back of his neck, completely in love with the the way his hair swirls round in the back of his head, and I thought of God. I wondered if God feels about me like I feel about Gram. If he would rather do nothing else than sit and watch me all day long. If his favorite part of the day is when I wake up, if He misses me while I sleep. I wondered if He delights in everything I do, if He can't wait to see what I'll learn and do the next day. I wondered if He's even amazed that He created me, that I exist, that I live and breathe, that I am His.

I thought about how God sits behind me too. How his strong legs keep me from toppling over. How even though I can sit up on my own, He's behind me for me to lean on whenever I need to. How he puts experiences in front of me, opportunities to learn and grow. How it's up to me to engage those opportunities, to reach out and experience all that he's brought me. How even though He created me, I am my own person, with free will to make my own choices. How even though He's invested so much in me, has great plans for me, even died for me, I can still walk away and break that relationship. How if I chose to walk away, I would break His heart. How Heaven wouldn't be the same without me. How, in His eyes, no one compares to me.

Today, I delighted in my son and my Father delighted in me.

I've decided to make Gram's baby food. This is sweet potatoes. I'm freezing it in ice cube trays for easy access and preparation. I'm really excited to make Gram's food instead of buying it. For me, it's the right choice. There aren't many homemaker things I can or am willing to do. I'm not the greatest cook, I can't sow to save my life, and I've never gardened before. I feel like making Gram's food is one way that I can be thrifty and a homemaker. I'm excited to provide fresh and nutritious meals for him and hopefully save our family money.

It's bizarre to know that he is a clean slate when it comes to food. Everything he tastes is new to him. He hasn't tasted any of the stuff that's bad for you yet. He's only had the most nutritious meals possible, breastmilk and fresh veggies. I wish I could say the same for myself! I want to try to keep him from junk food for as long as possible. I'd like to help him be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I don't know what kind of health Gram is going to have, I'm not for sure what genes he's inherited. What I do know is I can feed him well and hopefully teach him to love the right kind of foods and not be interested in the bad kind. We'll see how it goes!

Matthew 28:1-6
"After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to he tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen..."

Praise God!! I love this description of the events of the very first Easter. And praise God that the pain and loss and confusion felt on Good Friday wasn't for nothing. Praise God that there is hope! Always hope, eternal hope.

There have been times in my life that seem like Good Friday, hopeless. I have friends and family who have been there or are there right now, stuck in the hopelessness of Good Friday - confused and frustrated, sad and ashamed. I have to remind myself and I want to remind them that there is hope! There is Easter Sunday always. Christ as risen, he has risen indeed! And we don't have to live with hopelessness or shame, we have been forgiven because of Christ's sacrifice and love for us. We, too, can rise again just as our Savior has done.

Praise God!!

Happy Easter!

It's 7:45pm on Saturday night, the day before Easter. I just put Gram down and am going to bed. Dustin and I both are just...exhausted.

Father, I need your strength.

Jesus, fill me up.

I've missed the last 2 days of blogging and I apologize. Enough said...

"The only thing that matters is faith expressing itself through love." Gal. 5:6

This has been my favorite verse for many, many years. I feel, at times, overwhelmed by all the richness of the Bible. There is so much good stuff in it, so much truth, applicable to all of my life. Every day I find God's words seemingly spoken directly to me. But this verse has always felt like my center. It brings all those other truths together and wraps them up in me. There are times that I wonder what I should be doing from day to day, how I should be living out my faith. This verse tells me. There are times that I wonder what God's will is for my life, what his purposes are for me this very moment. This verse tells me. There are times that I can't make sense of what's going on in and around me, confused by injustice and pain. This verse directs me. For me, if I could have only one verse from Scripture to keep for the rest of my days, this is the verse I would choose. When I read it, it feels like home.

I think I connect so much with this verse because of the images that come to mind when I read it. I think of my family, my grandma Martha in particular, when I read this verse. She has modeled this verse to me my whole life. When I think of her I think of her faith and her love. And I want to be just like that. I want my life to be about my faith and my love - imperfect, incomplete, but with the purest of motives, the most genuine heart.

I think of Christ, of course, and the way each interaction he had on earth was filled with love. He spoke lovingly, he touched lovingly, he laughed lovingly, he wept lovingly and he even died lovingly. Every movement, every breath, including his last, came from a place of love. His faith in mankind is hard to believe at times and yet he not only believed in us, he loved us.

Today is Good Friday. A day to remember Christ's love for us, his faith that what he was about to do and sacrifice would be worth it, for us. Lord, may you remind me today that the only thing that matters is your love.