The Wisdom of Stability

"Life with the God we know in Jesus Christ is lived in community with other people." Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove Dustin and I are starting a home group and will be reading the book, "The Wisdom of Stability" by Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove. I just finished the book yesterday and am so excited to talk through this book with others in our community. It is full of age old wisdom that seems completely new and fresh to me and is based on the idea that "stability's wisdom insists that spiritual growth depends on human beings rooting ourselves in a place on earth with other creatures." A somewhat novel thought to a girl who has moved 10 times in her life and has lived in 6 different states. I joke that I've never had to "deep clean" a place I've lived because I always move first! (Buying a house is definitely a new experience!)

Dustin and I have been in Portland for 4 years now. We LOVE Portland and know this is where God brought us. But when you follow God you never know how long He's going to keep you there. In the back of my mind, I've wondered where His next adventure might take us. Dustin and I have wondered if we see ourselves in Portland forever, if we see Gram graduating from high school here and attending a local university. For a girl on the move, it's weird to think about planting roots long term, sticking with the day in and day out of life in one place with one group of people. At the same time, the idea of raising my kids with the same community, of being there for the ups and downs of life with the same community, of loving each other through our less than ideal moments fills my heart. Especially so because I love my community.

I always assumed the grandest"spiritual" call would be to go, to go on the mission field in some other country. And for some it is. But for me, I'm beginning to think the grandest for me might be to stay, to stay to love and be loved, to forgive and be forgiven, to fight and work for what is right, and to wear my knees out in prayer for what is wrong right here, right where I am.

"Learn to love the people around you, see them with the eyes of God, and accept them as God does." Sr. Aquinata Bockmann

Read More 2 comments | Posted by Kelli Bagby

I could live his life

"He died so that I could live a victorious life, so that I could become like him and no longer be held captive to my own nature and desires but could instead break out of those for my deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help. He died so that I could live his life." Matt Mikalatos "Imaginary Jesus"

Growing up is hard. Being an adult is hard. I assumed that when I became an adult I would stop messing up, that I would never have that feeling in the pit of my stomach for hurting someone else or disappointing them. I hate that feeling. It physically makes me shake and gives me the chills every time. I'm very good at excusing away my actions, actually at having a good, well reasoned explanation for my choices. I use them to convince myself that I'm justified with each choice and have no regrets. I'm beginning to see it for what it is though...pride. I'm prideful. I like to think it's very confident, but it's pride. Regardless of how confident and secure I am in myself as a child of God and His love for me, it's no excuse for being prideful or selfish.

The quote above has me thinking that maybe I've been going about things all wrong. I've been trying to be the best Kelli that I can be rather than being Jesus. And that has changed my heart in many ways. I feel like being the best Kelli has led to pride, but being Jesus is leading to humility. I should have known that would make a big difference in my life, obviously the best Kelli is no where near Jesus. Allowing Jesus to shine his light into my dark corners and being truly honest with myself in a very real way is new for me. I thought I had allowed Jesus in there all along, but I'm realizing my attempts at honesty in the past were somewhat stale and fake. It's with that lens that I am reevaluating me, my life, relationships, etc. It's been humbling and difficult and yet I know as I process through that I will feel more free in the end.

It's exciting to begin to undercover those "deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help." Thank you Jesus for the gift of your life, for the opportunity to live as you, to renew myself in you each day.

Read More 0 comments | Posted by Kelli Bagby

Ride the wings of the morning

"...I can never get away from your presence!..If I ride the wings of the morning,..even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me." Psalm 139

Wow, sitting down to blog, what a treat! Life has been unusually crazy lately with Gram teething. I don't know who writes the books that say babies should only experience about a week of intense teething pain. Yeah right! We are going on 2 months! But, alas, we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Praise God!! Gram has been going down much easier the last day and he even slept a 5 hour stretch last night (as opposed to up every 1 1/2 hours for the last 5 nights, ugh!). Woohoo!! Ironically, when he woke up at 4 am after the 5 hour stretch, he didn't go back to bed. That sounds about right.

So when I read this Psalm as I sat down to write, I was encouraged by the words of David. God's presence is always with me, no matter the time of day, if I've showered or not, if I have the energy of mom-of-the-year or are just barely keeping my eyes open to make sure Gram isn't harming himself - God is here with me.

I like the phrase, "If I ride the wings of the morning". Ha! What a positive way to say if I'm up at the butt crack of dawn (where did that phrase come from anyway?) I rode those wings this morning! And, thankfully, God was there with me to guide and support me, to give me the energy I needed to love Gram with his 4 am burst of energy. I think every morning for the last 10 months I been on those wings, barely holding on for sure. I wouldn't say I've been riding them, maybe a handful of times I took the reigns, but mostly I feel like I've been riding cause I have to, because I love Gram and that's what it takes. Gram wants to ride the wings of the morning again and again and so I go along, to guide and support him just as God is guiding and supporting me.

I feel like since having a kid I have a new understanding of God and his love for me. I have a new understanding of free will and grace, forgiveness and discipline, answered prayer and his silent voice. I have a new understanding of myself as a child of God, what I put him through with my rebellious whims, his hand helping to guide my curiosity and learning, the joy he must feel just being a part of my life, warts and all. Whatever I feel towards Gram, I imagine God feeling that way towards me times 100, and my heart bursts. Nothing particularly amazing is happening in me spiritually, just peace and thankfulness for God's unconditional love which is new every morning.

Maybe I do feel liking going for a ride.

Read More 1 Comment | Posted by Kelli Bagby

The Wisdom of Stability

I could live his life

Ride the wings of the morning

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