Growing up is hard. Being an adult is hard. I assumed that when I became an adult I would stop messing up, that I would never have that feeling in the pit of my stomach for hurting someone else or disappointing them. I hate that feeling. It physically makes me shake and gives me the chills every time. I'm very good at excusing away my actions, actually at having a good, well reasoned explanation for my choices. I use them to convince myself that I'm justified with each choice and have no regrets. I'm beginning to see it for what it is though...pride. I'm prideful. I like to think it's very confident, but it's pride. Regardless of how confident and secure I am in myself as a child of God and His love for me, it's no excuse for being prideful or selfish.
The quote above has me thinking that maybe I've been going about things all wrong. I've been trying to be the best Kelli that I can be rather than being Jesus. And that has changed my heart in many ways. I feel like being the best Kelli has led to pride, but being Jesus is leading to humility. I should have known that would make a big difference in my life, obviously the best Kelli is no where near Jesus. Allowing Jesus to shine his light into my dark corners and being truly honest with myself in a very real way is new for me. I thought I had allowed Jesus in there all along, but I'm realizing my attempts at honesty in the past were somewhat stale and fake. It's with that lens that I am reevaluating me, my life, relationships, etc. It's been humbling and difficult and yet I know as I process through that I will feel more free in the end.
It's exciting to begin to undercover those "deeper desires, those amazing, wonderful, transcendent actions that I so badly wanted to do but couldn't without his help." Thank you Jesus for the gift of your life, for the opportunity to live as you, to renew myself in you each day.
