"Sensible children bring joy to their father; foolish children despise their mother."
I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with Gram when he's older. Right now he's completely dependent on me, I am the center of his world, and it feels nice. It feels so amazing to be so wrapped up in another human being. Even more, it melts my heart when he smiles at me, especially after nursing, as if to say, "thanks mom for that delicious meal!" As he grows he will go through stages of thinking I am the coolest person in the world to thinking I'm the lamest. There will come a day when he'll fall in love with a girl and get married and start a family of his own, when I won't be the center of his world any longer. I hope and pray that he'll still think highly of me, that he'll want me to be a part of his life, that he'll invite me into his world no matter what he's going through. But that's not guaranteed. We might drift apart, I might not agree with or understand the choices he's made for his life which would strain our relationship, he might not want me to be a part of his life at all.
I don't mean to be so doom and gloom, I've just been thinking. Thinking how he's going to hurt me, disrespect me, maybe even hate me at some point. I hope not, but it's likely. Parenting is hard. 5 months into this adventure and every day I realize more and more how emotionally hard parenting is. How part of me wants to put up walls and protect my heart and the other part wants to love Gram (and any future kids) with everything I've got. I'm realizing what I put my parents through during my teenage years, and I'm sorry, sorry I ever caused them pain because they didn't deserve it, wanting to appreciate them for all of the sacrifices they made for me and all the love they poured into me. I want to treat my parents as I pray Gram treats me, with love and respect.
One of the greatest feelings I've ever felt is when I've brought joy to my parents. And I hope Gram learns to feel that way about Dustin and I. I pray that he accepts our love and the joy we feel towards him for just being him - that he grows up knowing he is our greatest joy and appreciates that he has parents that feel that way about him.
